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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or should i....

35 replies

justbitching · 09/11/2012 20:10

Mess up dps night out?

back story: dp goes out every weekend even if it just round to a friends house and i have had enough i rarely go out any day of the week let alone a weekend so tomorrow night he is suppose to be going out with his friends for one of their birthdays i have also planned to go out with the girls so i asked him yesterday to look after dcs so i can go out and he told me no as he had plans with the boys.

So heres my dilemma i really want to go and he's being an arse about it i have no other babysitter so i was planning on getting up in the morning and just going to my dsis for the day and get ready at hers leaving him with dcs so he can't go out.

what do you think wibu to do this or shall i just say fook it and go?

OP posts:
Iceaddict · 09/11/2012 20:12

Why does he do as he pleases but you have to ask?

frootshoots · 09/11/2012 20:14

Or you could talk about it like mature adults and not play daft games? You won't be able to enjoy your night out knowing the grief you will be returning home to if you go out like that. He would also probably be in a foul mood all day if you just left in the morning, which will be unfair on the children.

NatashaBee · 09/11/2012 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
justbitching · 09/11/2012 20:20

iceaddict i really couldn't tell you.

froot i have tried to talking to him but he acts like a child an tbh i want to give him a taste of his own medicene childish on my part i know.

OP posts:
Original poster
justbitching · 09/11/2012 20:21

He will not have none of it bee as he sees it its his friends birthday and because us girls are just going out there is no comprimise.

OP posts:
Iceaddict · 09/11/2012 20:26

You really should sort it out long term. if you do what you're thinking of you will probably have massive fall out. If you stay in and he goes out you will likely be miserable and fall out anyway. Is there no way you can get a sitter? Defo sort this out though its not healthy

fenix · 09/11/2012 20:28

Funny how you think you'd be messing up his night out, as if he were entitled to it and your social life were just a mere afterthought.

YANBU to want the same amount of fun, child-free leisure time as he takes. Your proposed plan, however, isn't a sustainable way to sort this out for good. I think you need to look carefully at his attitude towards fatherhood and more importantly, his actions. Was he like this before kids? Does he fully do his share with feeding the kids, playing with them, cleaning the house and bathing them? Or do you do everything, and he sometimes deigns to 'help' you?

If he's a half-arsed parent, then to be honest, you can try as much as you like but if he doesn't want to change, you'll go nowhere. If this were the case, I'd really consider whether your life would be just as good, if not better and easier, without an entitled twat hanging around.

If he is a devoted, hands-on father, then your problem is how he sees you, and you need to carve out boundaries to ensure you have your leisure time too. Alternate weekends and roughly equal amounts of leisure time is a good benchmark.

AgentZigzag · 09/11/2012 20:30

Is you referring to yourselves as boys/girls telling?

It would be if you tricked him into staying in while you go out, and what frootshoots said.

MammaTJ · 09/11/2012 20:32

I say do it!!

KenLeeeeeee · 09/11/2012 20:32

I think your plan is very childish tbh, and not the right way to handle it. Perhaps on this particular occasion you could let it be, seeing as it's his friend's birthday and his night out was already arranged. NEXT weekend, however, tell him you are going out. No asking permission or negotiating. Just tell him you're going, and have fun.

Original poster
justbitching · 09/11/2012 20:37

Really zigzag i am not going into the boys/girls argument!

No he is not really a hands on dad and i do pretty much everything since we have had dcs he has changed so much we used to do alot of things together i know having dcs does mae that hard but it would still be nice to do things with him and tbh going out once a month now would suit me fine.

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Hassled · 09/11/2012 20:39

If you can trust him to look after the DCs and won't spend the day fretting about them then yes, I'd bugger off to your sisters in the morning if I were you. Not mature, and not really a good way to resolve things, but it will get the ball rolling.

Original poster
justbitching · 09/11/2012 20:40

Kenleemy night was already arranged i told him about it last week as my op states he has had plenty of time to tell me that he was going out but only chose to tell me on tues night.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 09/11/2012 20:42

If your night was arranged first that takes precedent. Simples.

StuntGirl · 09/11/2012 20:43

My post sounds very trite actually, of course I know it's not that simple. He's a selfish bugger if he thinks the way things currently stand is fair though.

Original poster
justbitching · 09/11/2012 20:49

I would love it if he were like that stunt but as you said he is very selfish.

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Barnetbelle · 09/11/2012 20:55

If by doing this you think he will finally take the situation seriously and talk to you properly then do it. If it is just going to cause grief then I would think about another way to tackle this. But you must tackle it as it is deeply unfair and selfish on his part.

AgentZigzag · 09/11/2012 20:56

And my post makes it sound like I would never do such a thing in a million years, but I probably would if he was fucking me off lots Grin

RatherBeACyborg · 09/11/2012 21:03

Depends on whether you are okay to deal with the ensuing shitstorm.

TBH in your situation, if my night had been arranged first, yeah I probably would do that. Not terribly grown-up but fuck him if he's going to be a selfish, childish arse about it.

Hopefully then you can both have an adult conversation about who gets to go out when.

fenix · 09/11/2012 21:09

He's not a hands-on dad, bingo. There's your problem.

This isn't about nights out, really, it's about how your life has changed and his hasn't. It's not too late to bring him on board, if he wants to. Make him do stuff. Don't do his share for him, or you're exacerbating the problem.

If he doesn't improve, what's the point in having someone who doesn't respect you and models this for your children?

pictish · 09/11/2012 21:13

I say fuck it - do it.
Sounds like he's one entitled bastard that wouldn't care to listen to any 'talking it through' so I say lead with actions rather than words.

How unfair. I don't know how you can stand him.

mynewpassion · 09/11/2012 21:14

If you just leave him to it, will he leave the kids alone while he goes out as he is not a hands-on dad?

Original poster
justbitching · 09/11/2012 21:17

I know that if i do go out there will be holy hell in the morning but i really feel like i have to do this like i said i know it's childish but i think he needs me doing this to show him i have taken enough bullshit and yes for the past few months we have been arguing over pretty much everything so this will just add fuel to the fire.

i have tried speaing to him so many times but he either walks out or if were on the phone hangs up on me because he does'nt like the things i say to him. I just don't think he is able to hold an adult conversation atm FENIX no it's not really about nights out because i'm not really that bothered but it's the principle of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
justbitching · 09/11/2012 21:21

I don't know how i stand him it's getting to the point where i just feel angry whenever he is near me which imo is not good at all.

no passion he can be somewhat useless at times but i now he would'nt leave them on their own (he may take them to mummys for her to look after them though)

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lovebunny · 09/11/2012 21:51

leave him. why are you with him anyway?

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