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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said this?

44 replies

miniegg1980 · 09/11/2012 06:31

Last night dh bathed ds1 while i fed ds2 and then put both boys to bed. Finally sat down at 8pm.

I'd asked dh to look at a few possibilities for ds1s birthday and asked him if he'd done so as i sat down. He got really offended and asked me to thank him for bathing ds1. It got to the point where he wouldn't talk to me.

So i snapped. And pointed out that he has never thanked me for bathing either boy, ds2 he has never bathed in 4 months and not bathed ds1 for 21/2 years! He works 3 days and i'm full-time (when not on mat leave) and for three whole years have done the bedtime routine on my own.

This all sounds so petty now when i write it down, but just keeps going round in my head that i was unreasonable to say this?

OP posts:
cogitosum · 09/11/2012 06:33

Yanbu. It is ridiculous for him to expect thanks for caring for his own children.

olibeansmummy · 09/11/2012 06:34

YANBU!

Original poster
miniegg1980 · 09/11/2012 06:35

Thank you! Thats what I think! He also wanted praise for taking DS1 to the zoo when normally i take the boys out when hes off to work to give him an hour or two on his own. I know his work is stressful, but its 3 DAYS!!!!

OP posts:
ShhBoom · 09/11/2012 06:36

YANBU! Why should he receive thanks for looking after his child?! Complete madness, I'd be fuming.

FolkGhoul · 09/11/2012 06:37

YANBU.

Wheels79 · 09/11/2012 06:37

YANBU but my mum swears that this is one of things that makes men different for women.

50ShadesOfGreggs · 09/11/2012 06:38

YANBU caring for your DCs should be more of a shared responsibility

LittleChimneyDroppings · 09/11/2012 06:38

YANBU. His attitude would really piss me off. I would be looking at re adjusting the list of responsibilities here. It doesn't sound like he is doing enough at all.

Hyperballad · 09/11/2012 06:40

YANBU. At all.

But unfortunately if you want more help from him perhaps praise and thanks is the route you need to go down if it means so much to him.

Goes very much against the grain though! So perhaps just chuck him out instead ;)

EMS23 · 09/11/2012 06:41

YANBU.
The fact that our DC's are not mine to give him permission to look after has been an ongoing debate between DH and I for years. It implies they are my responsibility only and irritates the life out of me.

MoleyMick · 09/11/2012 06:41

YANBU at all but a lot of the women I know would think you WBU. They are of the "men are different/can't be trusted to care for their own kids alone/should be praised for slightest thing" school of thought.
So this kind of thinking is still out there, absurd as it is... Angry

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 09/11/2012 06:44

We have three children, and my husband has always taken care of them as much as me when he is around. He has never asked for thanks, and I've never thought to give it, as WE have three children not I!

maddening · 09/11/2012 06:46

Yanbu - my Df baths ds every night and he works full time and expects no thanks. It is a job he chooses as he enjoys it - it really is one of the easier and enjoyable childcare tasks. I would split it 50/50 going forward.

Goldenjubilee10 · 09/11/2012 06:46

I don't think it ever does any harm to show your appreciation but it should be reciprocal.

MammaTJ · 09/11/2012 06:48

If my DP wanted thanks every time he sorted the DC for bed, I would be thanking him every night!! Grin

On the other hand, the rare occasions I do it do not need flag waving and a parade either!!

Original poster
miniegg1980 · 09/11/2012 06:49

I don't know how he managed to look after ds1 2 days a week before we had ds2 without me constantly in the background cheering him on!!!

Thank you everyone for replying. Has really calmed me to think I'm not alone in thinking this and that he is not the only male like it!!

OP posts:
LivesInJeans · 09/11/2012 07:05

Calmed you? It should have made you fuming & more determined not to accept such shoddy attitude!

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 09/11/2012 07:17

Jesus I dont thank DH for doing stuff with the kids every time, and they're not even biologically his children.

Yanbu

Original poster
miniegg1980 · 09/11/2012 07:27

Livesinjeans - its calmed me knowing that i'm not being unreasonable and that he is not a rare species! I feel that i now have the upperhand and more ammunition should the topic arise again.

Perhaps i should now kiss his feet in gratefulness that hes made ds1 a drink [biggrin]

OP posts:
Olympicrock · 09/11/2012 07:31

One of the ones that Bugs me is dads 'babysitting' their children if the mother goes out! It's not babysitting , it's parenting!

Fakebook · 09/11/2012 07:46

YABU. You should have been waiting outside the bathroom with a glass of champagne and a garland of flowers for him. Then put on a display of various twirly dances followed by a finale of fireworks and cake.

ivanapoo · 09/11/2012 07:51

What golden said.

YANBU to be annoyed at all and I'm shocked that he's never helped in 2.5 years - but perhaps if you both showed appreciation you'd both be happier about it.

Of course this requires your DH thanking you for all you do and it sounds like that might not be on the cards - but maybe he didn't realise the work involved if he's never done it.

Original poster
miniegg1980 · 09/11/2012 08:27

I love it fakebook! Am off out now to buy said fireworks, champagne, chocolates. Might also put a letter in the local paper showing my whole hearted appreciation.

You are all right. These are 'our' kids. Its not my responsibility to do it all. Perhaps it is my fault for getting into this routine in the first place

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 09/11/2012 08:30

He is a fucking tit.

MoleyMick · 09/11/2012 08:39

Have you spoken about it with him any more OP? I would be really annoyed!