To have said this?

[miniegg1980]

Last night dh bathed ds1 while i fed ds2 and then put both boys to bed. Finally sat down at 8pm.

I'd asked dh to look at a few possibilities for ds1s birthday and asked him if he'd done so as i sat down. He got really offended and asked me to thank him for bathing ds1. It got to the point where he wouldn't talk to me.

So i snapped. And pointed out that he has never thanked me for bathing either boy, ds2 he has never bathed in 4 months and not bathed ds1 for 21/2 years! He works 3 days and i'm full-time (when not on mat leave) and for three whole years have done the bedtime routine on my own.

This all sounds so petty now when i write it down, but just keeps going round in my head that i was unreasonable to say this?

I haven't spoken to him again. Hes at work today so won't see him till 8. I don't really want to rock the boat. It won't get me anywhere or change anything. Just wanted other peoples opinions to stop the guilt / angry feelings i had this morning

YANBU - that is ridiculous. Imagine if you were thanked for everything you do!

He's a tool.

My DH does this sort of thing OP.

I say thank you for washing your own child. Bravo.

He has now seen the error of his ways and when he does help he also says he's now waiting for his medal

Oh, thats right up there wiht "i've done the washing up for you" and looking hurt when i say, "oh, well done" in a sarcastic tone!

Actually, its worse!

Actually fakebooks idea is inspired, i dare you!!

oh, why don't you want to rock the boat? are things not great just now?

What a total dick.

Whatnowffs - i also love i've put some washing on / started tea/ changed a nappy for you.

Its the 'for you' bit thats so offensive or 'i've done your washing for you'. Ffs.

Things are ok between us, i'm just sleep deprived and i'm scared if i start i will just keep going!!

Ooh yes my DH said he'd buy ME a new washing line
I then did only MY washing for a week.

But then he did buy me RAC membership for Valentines day

I know he does all the things round the house / garden i wouldn't think of, but i don't say go and cut your grass!

Why hasn't he helped you before?

No, don't thank him for looking after his kids.

YANBU

maybe you should then minnie :) here have some Tell him, to make his dinner for you!

I don't mind when i'm on maternity leave but things aren't any different when i work full time

When someone here expects congratulations for something routine (or announces they've farted) they usually get "Your medal's in the post" or "Your mother must be so proud" (confuses the kids nicely)

God its so depressing to read this stuff, the game of massaging mens egos for doing things they wouldnt even notice a woman doing much less dish out praise for

So basically he's of the opinion that they're actually 'your' kids and he's just some kind of extra adult who lives in the house, and generously does the occasional baby-help job?

Perhaps it would be better if he didn't refer to himself as 'Daddy' then. Or expect to discipline them, or be involved in any of the major decisions about their future.

Make those points to him and see if the light begins to dawn...

Doctord you have said exactly what i think!!!!

YANBU. He is their parent too, and both of you should be sharing, or at least reasonably eager and competent, at all of the tasks of caring for the children.

From his point of view though, it seems you've never called him up on it. Why the hell would he just suddenly change when he's clearly having a good run of it? He hasn't bathed your son in 2.5 years? That's really pathetic as a father.

Your complaint is not at all petty, but it is pitiful how you, as his partner, are enabling his fecklessness. Why should you work longer hours, do more childcare and more housework, while he sits around and then expects praise for the rare occasion when he does something useful?

You have two choices, you can carry on as you are, bury your head in the sand and toss out a flippant "oh men, they never see mess, bless 'em!". But living as a martyr is such a pathetic, limited way to exist. Or you can have a frank talk with him about expectations and responsibilities. If he doesn't shape up, then it shows he really doesn't appreciate you and is modelling a terrible relationship for your children. In which case, get rid.

if h said he had done the washing up fo me he might find he gets his dinner served straight onto the table.

however, as he no-longer lives here he does technically do the washing up for me if he does it... though it is also part of looking after his children hile he is here!