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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my DP doesn't have a clue

33 replies

mmmnoodlesoup · 06/11/2012 08:48

Last night cuddling with my DP in bed, I was joking around about becoming a sex chat operator (saw thread on here) once noodlebaby is here as I won't be at work anymore.

He then says 'well you need to think about how to earn more from home and what extra work you can do while off' . I replied, well actually darling, I'll have just given birth and will be bringing up our son for a while so won't have time to work from home.

It's like he expects me to start another at-home job right after giving birth. I really don't think he has a clue how difficult it is with a newborn and adjusting/breastfeeding etc.

Nb. I currently run my own business which is very stressful and have for years now. I've been looking forward to a little mum and baby time without work.

Aibu?

OP posts:

twolittlebundles · 06/11/2012 08:57

no, you're not BU. I assume that this is DC1? Is it possible your DP may also just have no idea what it'll be like and is thinking it will be easy for you after having run your own business?

There's no sense making solid plans until the baby has arrived- you're working off assumptions at the moment- you can figure it out later. In the meantime, save as much as you can so you have more options later!

Original poster

mmmnoodlesoup · 06/11/2012 09:02

Yes, dc1. It's not the first time he's said it now and it's pissing me off. Maybe after he sees me push a watermelon out of my fanjo he will be more sensitive and give me a break.

OP posts:

WildWorld2004 · 06/11/2012 09:09

Dont you know that stay at home mums are all coffee mornings, trips to the salon & lots of sitting around while the housework/baby fairies do it all

Your dp is clueless.

Original poster

mmmnoodlesoup · 06/11/2012 09:12

Exactly Wild

Ill still be running my business from home - stock keeping, rotas etc plus ill have to go back fairly soon, am I not entitled to a little me time with my new baby?!

OP posts:

comixminx · 06/11/2012 09:46

Make sure he does a good amount of childcare as soon as poosibke, so he can see what being at home with a baby entails, and how little other stuff can get done!

OneMoreChap · 06/11/2012 09:53

I think you could well let him stay off work, so he can see how much fun it is having "a little dad and baby time without work".

wordfactory · 06/11/2012 09:55

It sounds to me like he's worrying about money.

Are your finances in order for when the baby comes?

Original poster

mmmnoodlesoup · 06/11/2012 10:00

He will have paternity leave Chap which will be lovely. He's a bit of a workaholic though, so I'm sure he'll still be logging in from home and working in that time.

Yes he does worry about money word but we have things in order. I hate he puts that stress on me

OP posts:

OneMoreChap · 06/11/2012 10:14

I bet after his paternity leave he won't think it's so easy!

Original poster

mmmnoodlesoup · 06/11/2012 10:16

me too! But you never know, I might have one of those babies that never cry and sleep all day!

OP posts:

Fancydrawers · 06/11/2012 10:21

No, you are not BU and you should tell him to cock off

gail734 · 06/11/2012 12:50

Men. My DP asked me (I've been on mat leave for four months) what it's like "to be on holiday all the time". I feel like I NEVER stop, like I have a new job that's 24 hrs a day! I tell this anecdote like it's a laugh, but actually I was gobsmacked by his insensitivity. And immaturity. He genuinely seems baffled if he comes home and everything isn't perfect. Like, what do you DO all day?
Your DP sounds similar in that he refers to you as being "off". You are NOT being unreasonable!

CajaDeLaMemoria · 06/11/2012 12:53

I'd talk about this now - you don't need the stress when the baby comes. Tell him your plan is to have x weeks off, more if you need it, and then you'll go back to running your current business as much as you can.

Make sure he is aware that being "home" does not mean you are relaxing, and that you will be bringing up your baby (and no doubt looking after the house too). His paternity leave should help to show him how much needs to be done, but it's really better to approach this first rather than put up with his insensitivity and odd expectations that you'll be back at work the next day. He may need a few days to reshuffle those expectations, and support you. It's better that he does it now!

MamaMary · 06/11/2012 13:01

Well, I think you are being a little U as you yourself introduced the topic by saying you could do phone sex work. It may have been a joke, but you introduced the idea of being able to work from home while on maternity leave. SO perhaps not surprisingly he took you seriously about the concept of working from home.

Also confused as why you're annoyed with him expecting you to work from home when you ARE actually planning to do that with your own business? Genuinely

Original poster

mmmnoodlesoup · 06/11/2012 17:02

Mary he's actually brought it up before and I was gobsmacked, so when I was joking it was tongue in cheek at his prior insensitivity. The work I will be doing from home is very minimal but it isn't expected, so if I can't do it, my business partner can.

OP posts:

MamaMary · 06/11/2012 17:34

Ok well in that case mmmmnoodle you're probably right: he doesn't have a clue. Most men don't until baby is there. You need to stand your ground and tell him you are not working during your maternity leave.

A friend of mine who runs a home business tried to keep running it and never took proper time off with her baby. She has run herself into the ground with illness - so just be careful, you will need time to recover and concentrate on the baby.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 06/11/2012 17:37

You need to get this all thrashed out now, before the baby comes. Do not underestimate how damaging the tiredness wars can be, even without resentment over money.

babybythesea · 06/11/2012 17:43

My DH didn't have a clue either.
Then when I went back to work part time, we arranged it so that of my 2.5 days, he had her by himself for a full one of those days (saved money and gave them 'bonding' time!). It is amazing how much he couldn't do because 'he had dd'. Couldn't get to the shops, couldn't hoover (what if she wakes up?) ....
It was quite useful being able to say "How do you think I manage?" - even if he thought it was somehow linked to a special gene that I had and he lacked (which meant I was more capable of doing jobs with a little one in tow) at least he had some understanding of just how much time looking after a baby could take up.
We have continued this arrangement - he also now knows how hard it can be with a toddler. In terms of time needed to feed etc it is obviously less, but now dd needs entertaining (ie he can't just do his own thing all day and leave her in front of the TV but has to put his own wishes aside and go to the park etc). Does tend to stop him wondering what I do all day!

EuroShagmore · 06/11/2012 17:49

I went to an NCT class with a friend as her husband couldn't get there and the leader had us all do an exercise along these lines. It was all about seeing it from the other partner's point of view. So the man comes home after 8 hours in the office to find his wife looking like cr@p, the baby wearing only a nappy, vom soaked clothes everywhere and the breakfast things not cleared away and wonders how the wife isn't managing to get things done. The wife hasn't had time for a shower, has sick in her hair and could do with a little more help. That sort of thing. It was done in a jokey way but I think it was a good exercise.

Original poster

mmmnoodlesoup · 06/11/2012 18:05

Thanks mary and Ali I will definitely bring this up over the weekend as I'm pretty upset at his outlook. But maybe it won't be until the baby is here for him to understand.

I was hoping for a partner that didn't put pressure on me when I have a baby and is supportive. Instead he's stressed about money and is making me anxious. Hopefully he will come around soon.

OP posts:

WorkingMummyof1 · 06/11/2012 18:22

YANBU - I agree - women put up with 9 (usually!) months of physical work and then many more sleepless nights after, esp as "we do not have to get up to go to work" and if breast feeding. Just bcos these things do not bring in money does not make them any less valid (and indeed perhaps contribute more in some ways) towards the running of the household.

If able and willing mums can make money for the rest of their lives and bring in money - but will never get back these precious first few months with that newborn. Hopefully he will appreciate your hard work towards the baby - especially after the birth - and re-address his immature/insensitive attitude. Would have been better if when he realised baby was coming, he had planned for the finances with you by discussion rather than assuming you will be earning and looking after a newborn. However it is not uncommon for some men to overlook this and be insensitive, although on the whole they might be good DPs.

Some women might want to get back to work the next week after the birth - but some don't and that is their right, a DP's responsibility is to accept and support that. For those of you women who will now think this is sexist as he might also want to reduce his hours to spend time with newborn - some things are dicated by biology not society - often men will indeed come to an arrangement with DP to also be able to stay at home with newborn as and when they like.

NeedlesCuties · 06/11/2012 18:57

Don't mean to be cheeky, OP, but as this is your 1st baby neither you nor your DP will know what'll be like.

Just wait a while till the baby is born, rest for a while and then see what you want to do regarding work hours.

Original poster

mmmnoodlesoup · 06/11/2012 19:51

Thank you Workingmummy

Needles of course, you are right. I don't have a clue either! But, reading lots of threads about the transition from pregnancy to birth to newborn, plus talking to lots of RL mums at my work and I worked in a baby room for a few years; I feel like I have more realistic expectations than my DP, who has never even changed a nappy or held a baby!

OP posts:

NeedlesCuties · 07/11/2012 08:27

In that case OP, he's in for a treat when the LO (and the reality) arrives

derekthehamster · 07/11/2012 08:33

Oh the joys of new parenthood. My dh thought he'd get loads of reading done whilst the baby was awake at night! We still snigger over that one!

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