To think my DP doesn't have a clue

[mmmnoodlesoup]

Last night cuddling with my DP in bed, I was joking around about becoming a sex chat operator (saw thread on here) once noodlebaby is here as I won't be at work anymore.

He then says 'well you need to think about how to earn more from home and what extra work you can do while off' . I replied, well actually darling, I'll have just given birth and will be bringing up our son for a while so won't have time to work from home.

It's like he expects me to start another at-home job right after giving birth. I really don't think he has a clue how difficult it is with a newborn and adjusting/breastfeeding etc.

Nb. I currently run my own business which is very stressful and have for years now. I've been looking forward to a little mum and baby time without work.

Aibu?

[Jingleflobba]

Well we have 3 now and DH only took pat leave with DD2 earlier this year. Shock to the system just about describes it! Don't get me wrong, he does know how much I do around the house but this time I was so tired after the birth (hb) that he insisted I rest and he would do everrything. Including dealing with the DC's school run, visitors and mw who turned up 6 hours afterwards to do DD's check.
I just pretended to be asleep and sniggered to myself in bed...
After 2 days of pat leave he just looked at me and said "how the hell do you do it?" I think he was relieved to go back to work

[mmmnoodlesoup]

CatsRule

[diddl]

Well I had easy pregnancies & easy births.

PFB was prem-& some twat told me I was lucky as I could sleep through the night with a newborn

When they came home they fed every 2hrs initially-day & night.

In theory I could have done stuff in the day.

In reality & was too busy sleeping!

[CatsRule]

And my spelling and grammar this morning is terrible....I blame 8 month old ds and sleep deprivation

[CatsRule]

Oh and every mum (and dad) needs time to bond and enjoy their snuggly newborn

[CatsRule]

When noodlebaby arrives he will find that if you have time to pee once all day, eaten anything at all and fed the baby it will be considered a very productive day

Your dh will change once he is on pat leave and has no sleep!

[aufaniae]

Your DP is in for a shock!

[mmmnoodlesoup]

I think my DP thinks his life isn't going to change much.

[derekthehamster]

Oh the joys of new parenthood. My dh thought he'd get loads of reading done whilst the baby was awake at night! We still snigger over that one!

[NeedlesCuties]

In that case OP, he's in for a treat when the LO (and the reality) arrives

[mmmnoodlesoup]

Thank you Workingmummy

Needles of course, you are right. I don't have a clue either! But, reading lots of threads about the transition from pregnancy to birth to newborn, plus talking to lots of RL mums at my work and I worked in a baby room for a few years; I feel like I have more realistic expectations than my DP, who has never even changed a nappy or held a baby!

[NeedlesCuties]

Don't mean to be cheeky, OP, but as this is your 1st baby neither you nor your DP will know what'll be like.

Just wait a while till the baby is born, rest for a while and then see what you want to do regarding work hours.

[WorkingMummyof1]

YANBU - I agree - women put up with 9 (usually!) months of physical work and then many more sleepless nights after, esp as "we do not have to get up to go to work" and if breast feeding. Just bcos these things do not bring in money does not make them any less valid (and indeed perhaps contribute more in some ways) towards the running of the household.

If able and willing mums can make money for the rest of their lives and bring in money - but will never get back these precious first few months with that newborn. Hopefully he will appreciate your hard work towards the baby - especially after the birth - and re-address his immature/insensitive attitude. Would have been better if when he realised baby was coming, he had planned for the finances with you by discussion rather than assuming you will be earning and looking after a newborn. However it is not uncommon for some men to overlook this and be insensitive, although on the whole they might be good DPs.

Some women might want to get back to work the next week after the birth - but some don't and that is their right, a DP's responsibility is to accept and support that. For those of you women who will now think this is sexist as he might also want to reduce his hours to spend time with newborn - some things are dicated by biology not society - often men will indeed come to an arrangement with DP to also be able to stay at home with newborn as and when they like.

[mmmnoodlesoup]

Thanks mary and Ali I will definitely bring this up over the weekend as I'm pretty upset at his outlook. But maybe it won't be until the baby is here for him to understand.

I was hoping for a partner that didn't put pressure on me when I have a baby and is supportive. Instead he's stressed about money and is making me anxious. Hopefully he will come around soon.

[EuroShagmore]

I went to an NCT class with a friend as her husband couldn't get there and the leader had us all do an exercise along these lines. It was all about seeing it from the other partner's point of view. So the man comes home after 8 hours in the office to find his wife looking like cr@p, the baby wearing only a nappy, vom soaked clothes everywhere and the breakfast things not cleared away and wonders how the wife isn't managing to get things done. The wife hasn't had time for a shower, has sick in her hair and could do with a little more help. That sort of thing. It was done in a jokey way but I think it was a good exercise.

[babybythesea]

My DH didn't have a clue either.
Then when I went back to work part time, we arranged it so that of my 2.5 days, he had her by himself for a full one of those days (saved money and gave them 'bonding' time!). It is amazing how much he couldn't do because 'he had dd'. Couldn't get to the shops, couldn't hoover (what if she wakes up?) ....
It was quite useful being able to say "How do you think I manage?" - even if he thought it was somehow linked to a special gene that I had and he lacked (which meant I was more capable of doing jobs with a little one in tow) at least he had some understanding of just how much time looking after a baby could take up.
We have continued this arrangement - he also now knows how hard it can be with a toddler. In terms of time needed to feed etc it is obviously less, but now dd needs entertaining (ie he can't just do his own thing all day and leave her in front of the TV but has to put his own wishes aside and go to the park etc). Does tend to stop him wondering what I do all day!

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

You need to get this all thrashed out now, before the baby comes. Do not underestimate how damaging the tiredness wars can be, even without resentment over money.

[MamaMary]

Ok well in that case mmmmnoodle you're probably right: he doesn't have a clue. Most men don't until baby is there. You need to stand your ground and tell him you are not working during your maternity leave.

A friend of mine who runs a home business tried to keep running it and never took proper time off with her baby. She has run herself into the ground with illness - so just be careful, you will need time to recover and concentrate on the baby.

[mmmnoodlesoup]

Mary he's actually brought it up before and I was gobsmacked, so when I was joking it was tongue in cheek at his prior insensitivity. The work I will be doing from home is very minimal but it isn't expected, so if I can't do it, my business partner can.

[MamaMary]

Well, I think you are being a little U as you yourself introduced the topic by saying you could do phone sex work. It may have been a joke, but you introduced the idea of being able to work from home while on maternity leave. SO perhaps not surprisingly he took you seriously about the concept of working from home.

Also confused as why you're annoyed with him expecting you to work from home when you ARE actually planning to do that with your own business? Genuinely

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

I'd talk about this now - you don't need the stress when the baby comes. Tell him your plan is to have x weeks off, more if you need it, and then you'll go back to running your current business as much as you can.

Make sure he is aware that being "home" does not mean you are relaxing, and that you will be bringing up your baby (and no doubt looking after the house too). His paternity leave should help to show him how much needs to be done, but it's really better to approach this first rather than put up with his insensitivity and odd expectations that you'll be back at work the next day. He may need a few days to reshuffle those expectations, and support you. It's better that he does it now!

[gail734]

Men. My DP asked me (I've been on mat leave for four months) what it's like "to be on holiday all the time". I feel like I NEVER stop, like I have a new job that's 24 hrs a day! I tell this anecdote like it's a laugh, but actually I was gobsmacked by his insensitivity. And immaturity. He genuinely seems baffled if he comes home and everything isn't perfect. Like, what do you DO all day?
Your DP sounds similar in that he refers to you as being "off". You are NOT being unreasonable!

[Fancydrawers]

No, you are not BU and you should tell him to cock off

[mmmnoodlesoup]

me too! But you never know, I might have one of those babies that never cry and sleep all day!

[OneMoreChap]

I bet after his paternity leave he won't think it's so easy!