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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to forget, not remember?

29 replies

mmmerangue · 04/11/2012 10:26

Today is the anniversary of the death of a guy who bullied me at School.

Every year, my facebook becomes flooded with messages of remembrance and I just get as really strong urge to delete everyone who mentions him. We went to a pretty small country school and lots of our friends are mutual, perhaps from different times in our lives, but he was absolutely awful to me through most of primary and secondary school.

I feel like I should be able to let it go seeing as I'm here and he's not. But hearing people go on about what a stand-up guy he was and how much they miss him, really hurts me, still.

He was in a horrific car crash with another local boy who I have no strong feelings for in either direction, it was one of those avoidable accidents caused by going too fast on small country roads. IE they did it to them selves.

I feel terrible every year, but I just want people to SHUT UP about him.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 04/11/2012 10:35

Sorry I think YABU. He bullied you at school,I'm assuming that was quite some time ago. Let it go.

myphonesexdrama · 04/11/2012 10:35

People became saints for dying young and it must be tough if your experience of the man is different to others.

Ignore, ignore ignore and maybe consider speaking to someone about residual issues you have regarding this.

Original poster
mmmerangue · 04/11/2012 10:50

I am trying Alis, it was 7 years ago that he died (I was in 6th form) and I'm 24 so not all that long ago really.

I would never say his friends shouldn't remember him how they want to, either.

I'm saying it would be easier if I didn't have to yearly get reminded that he was capable of being nice to some people but obviously not me Hmm, that he made me hate myself, and that all the bad stuff someone can do can instantly be forgotten because they get themselves wrapped round a tree.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 04/11/2012 10:55

Same age as me OP!

You can hide people from showing up on your newsfeed,that might help. You can unhide them again once the day has gone by.

SillyBeardyDaddyman · 04/11/2012 10:56

I remember a news story about the deaths of 2/3 young men a few years ago. Their family and friends were all filmed describing them as wonderful individuals, stand up members of the community and all round angels. They were killed escaping across railway lines during their attempted robbery of a sporting goods warehouse. Go figure.

Original poster
mmmerangue · 04/11/2012 10:56

Thats a good idea actually, Thanks.

OP posts:
queenrollo · 04/11/2012 10:56

YANBU to feel this way. This year someone I went to school with died, natural causes but brought on by lifestyle choice and I just had to be polite when people wanted to talk about it in the immediate aftermath. He was an unmitigated bastard to me, and a few other people I know.....so we talked to each other about how we felt.
I do understand what you're saying, because it is hard when everyone else is singing the praises of someone who made your life hell (in whatever way).

You know the anniversary, so maybe just avoid social networks around this time.

Mrsjay · 04/11/2012 10:57

I think you should Hide these people today and all their comments obviously he was their friend or maybe they are doing the collective mourning and hardly knew him, bullying can stay with you for a long time and it wasn't that long ago for you , just hide them all ,

Mrsjay · 04/11/2012 11:00

A girl who made my life hell at school died a few years ago and people were saying isn't it awful poor X well X died of her own doing and she lived her life chaotically and it was a matter of time, I am not a heartless person at all but I wasn't going to be part of what a wonderful person and mother she was,

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/11/2012 11:01

Also,OP,tbf given that 6th form wasn't that long ago I can see why it's still a bit raw and you simply don't want to hear about it. And I suppose now he's dead part of you feels you can't say anything negative about him,ever,which must be frustrating,given the way he treated you when alive. So you're not being completely unreasonable at all,on reflection.

SirBoobAlot · 04/11/2012 11:08

I totally understand how you feel. I had such a shite time at school, it was hell. One of the worst bullies had an accident a little while ago, and facebook was full of "Oh my God, poor X, she's such a good person, she didn't deserve this, can't wait for her to be better". It made me want to scream.

And when people die, they become utter saints, never done a thing wrong. Dare you speak a word against the dead, right? Hmm

Block the news feeds on facebook, or delete those people that you're not actually close to.

WorraLiberty · 04/11/2012 11:11

You don't have to be reminded of him because you don't have to log into Facebook.

It's just a website, stay off it for a couple of weeks til your news feed is clear.

CookingFunt · 04/11/2012 11:13

Goes to show how bullying effects in adulthood.
Hide the posts until this day has passed.

TwitchyTail · 04/11/2012 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trills · 04/11/2012 11:29

YANBU to not want to remember him.

But other people are allowed to remember him if they want.

They are not posting it to you, they are just writing it in a place where you can see it.

Just stay off Facebook for a few days.

MummytoKatie · 04/11/2012 11:39

Facebook gives people maximum attention for minimum effort. If people were genuinely heartbroken over his death they would go and visit his grave, send a sympathy card to the family, go to church or do something that takes more than 40 seconds out of their day. Instead they choose to do something that means everyone knows they are "thinking of him" so they get lots of attention for being such a lovely caring person.

(A very good friend of mine got a serious illness a few years ago. It was fascinating what happened. And how few of the people who said they'd do "anything to help" actually turned up at their house to do the vacuuming.)

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/11/2012 11:59

OP

A couple of years ago (more than a couple if I'm completely honest)
The gang of bullies that terroried the school that I went too died in a car crash, (the crash killed three and left the fourth crippled).
When I was told the convosation went something like this

Friend: You remember X, Y and Z
me: Yup, those bastards that made my life hell at school
Friend: they died in a car crash
me: never mind, shit happens, next topic.

I got a lot of flack from "friends" and the family of the deceased, But as I told the father when he came round to my house threatening me, "If you want to remember your son as an angel, fair enough. But he was always a twat to me"

As posters have said up thread hide the people that post for a couple of days.

ShellyBoobs · 04/11/2012 12:14

I'm with you OP.

For some people, for some reason, once someone is dead they are suddenly absolved of all the bad things they did.

It's that 'never speak ill of the dead' thing.

Why though?

If someone was a cunt when they were alive, they're still a cunt when they're dead.

Lovecat · 04/11/2012 12:22

Hide them on the anniversary. I had a very problematic relationship with my father and since his death last year my mother has canonised him and all the bad stuff just never happened, was 'just his way' or we (the children) are exaggerating and misremembering.

The idea that you're somehow a bad person for bringing up/knowing/thinking the inconvenient truth is both depressing and makes you feel like your feelings are worth nothing.

It stinks, tbh, but that's how some people are when someone dies and the best thing to do is ignore/avoid and look after yourself.

CreamOfTomatoSoup · 04/11/2012 12:49

I knew a horrible girl at school. I wouldn't go as far as saying she bullied me but she had some issues and was very unkind to me and others. When we were 19 my friend told me she had died of a drugs overdose. I had very mixed feelings about her because I hated the girl but obviously I was sad she had died so young. It was a difficult time.

However it turned out she hadn't died after all (chinese whispers, her mum had died) but that didn't change my feelings when I thought she had been dead.

YANBU, it's hard to not feel sad when someone dies and society doesn't acknowledge that people feel like this sometimes. I hope you feel better soon.

SirBoobAlot · 04/11/2012 12:53

BoneyBack the dad turned up at your house?! Shock

maddening · 04/11/2012 13:33

I think it's an impotent feeling - as he is dead there is no way you could tell people what a cock he was - as you would be seen to bu by doing so - whereas if he were alive and someone said what a nice chap he was you would be fine to advise them otherwise - but instead you have to quietly seethe.

SirBoobAlot · 04/11/2012 13:41

Something I'm learning on my therapy course - there are no good or bad emotions. Emotions are not rational or logical. They just are. How you react to them can be positive or negative, but its important to let yourself feel the way you do without trying to change it.

catsmother · 04/11/2012 14:00

I don't think you should necessarily "let it go" just like that as you have every reason to feel angry and upset and what he did to you. The only thing I would say is that if this is something which regularly still gets to you - and not just when reminded of the anniversary of his death - perhaps you should consider counselling so your day to day life isn't further spoiled by this boy (as he was). If it's not an every day issue though as others have said, set your FB so you're protected against as much as possible from these comments because sure, I understand seeing them must twist the knife.

I agree with all those who've said that if a bad person dies they don't suddenly become good via death. I can't bear the sentimental hypocrisy that often appears when someone's died and the horror expressed by some if you dare speak ill of the dead - even when it's absolutely justified. I wouldn't suggest that you go around setting people straight - after all why on earth would you want to give him any more head space than he already occupies but I think - if you felt comfortable doing so - you'd be quite within your rights if ever any old school acquaintance spoke about him directly to you (face to face) .... as in, unfortunately, my memory of him isn't as fond as yours etc. I don't think it's unreasonable to set someone straight even if the person being discussed is dead - after all, think of current news.

TheCunnyFuntWearingAPoppy · 04/11/2012 14:12

I agree with others, hide the posts!

A short while ago I found out that someone I went to school with killed himself. I couldn't believe it, was all decided to go to his funeral. And then I found out that he'd spent time in prison, for getting jealous of his ex girlfriends new boyfriend and he strangled her till she was unconscious then smashed her face on the pavement so many times that when the ambulance turned up, one of the paramedics knew her but didn't even recognise her!

I didn't go, and now it makes me feel slightly sick when I see FB posts from mutual friends saying how much they miss him and what a decent bloke he was.