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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect dh to feed the baby while I'm out

49 replies

Mybabyseyes · 02/11/2012 06:16

Help me to rationalise this please. Just had an argument with dh. I went out for the evening. Ds who is 12 weeks has been feeding every 2 hrs through the night tonight which is not like him. I woke dh to ask him how much ds had to eat & when he changed his nappy last night when he was out. He said he didn't. I bf him at
7 then when I got back in at 2 which means he didn't eat for 7 hrs. Ds sometimes needs waking to feed & doesnt wake if he is sleeping on dhs chest. I usually wake ds up if he hasn't fed for more then 5 hrs. I feel so guilty for going out & I know I am probably being unreasonable for expecting dh to follow my routine. I know rationally it won't do him any harm but I expected my dh to know what to do as this is our fifth.

OP posts:
pictish · 02/11/2012 06:22

Is your little son ok?
If so, then drop it. It's making a fuss over nothing.

However, if your dh has a history of neglecting the kids or being overtly lazy, then let's talk about that.

TanteRose · 02/11/2012 06:22

so DS was sleeping from 7pm to 2 am?

or had he been crying and your DH had ignored him?

first scenario is fine
second, not fine

btw, why do you have to wake DS to feed him if he goes more than 5 hours? is it a preemie/nutrition thing?

MissWinklyParadiso · 02/11/2012 06:23

He's a dickhead. Who leaves a tiny baby for that length of time?! Not your fault; he's your baby's dad & you ought to be able to expect he would care for his child's basic needs.

Cheeser · 02/11/2012 06:24

Why would you wake him to feed? Not being snarky, am curious. I feed DS when he wakes but pray for a longer time between wake ups!

Cheeser · 02/11/2012 06:26

...and could he haven been nice and full from the two hourly feeds and genuinely wasn't hungry so didn't wake?

Original poster
Mybabyseyes · 02/11/2012 06:28

I don't know if ds had been crying but I suspect he was as dh usually puts him on his chest to soothe him. Otherwise he would've been asleep in his cot.
He usually wakes up at 11 for a feed then sleeps until 2. I was told by an hv when he was born not to let him go more than 6hrs.

OP posts:
pictish · 02/11/2012 06:30

My babies would feed every two hours one day and then every six or seven hours the next - there was no predictable pattern to any of it in the early weeks. They settled into their own routines of a sort at five months or so...
That goes for all three as I recall.

I think 7 hrs is ok. Sounds like he had a good long sleep. Lucky dh!! Grin Wink

pictish · 02/11/2012 06:33

Btw - the HV offers guidlines. Her word is not law.

thetrackisback · 02/11/2012 06:34

6hrs when they are newborn but at twelve weeks some babies sleep through. My little baby girls had two hourly feeds but were full up at night and slept longer. I would let DS sleep until he wakes but ask your HV if you are not sure.

TanteRose · 02/11/2012 06:34

obviously you shouldn't let a newborn go more than 6 hours, but your DS is now 3 months old, so you can let him sleep if he wants

Stinkyminkymoo · 02/11/2012 06:36

My 12 wo goes through the night without a feed and that's about 8 hours. If she's hungry she'll wake earlier like this morning, woke at 5.30. I'd never wake her for a feed, it doesn't make sense to me to do so...

Original poster
Mybabyseyes · 02/11/2012 06:37

Thank you ladies. Maybe I just feel bad for going out. It's the first time I've left him. Dh Needs a lot of sleep. He didn't wake up when my sister took ds from him & could easily sleep for 12 hrs. That's probably where ds gets it fromSmile
I just worry as he's still a newborn to me. If he was 6 months I probably wouldn't worry as much.

OP posts:
pictish · 02/11/2012 06:37

Yes - all of mine started sleeping through at about that age as well.

controlpantsandgladrags · 02/11/2012 06:37

You really don't need to be waking a babyto feed unless he was premature or has problems with weight gain. My pfb was sleeping straight through for 10 or 11 hours by 12 weeks...I would never have woken her to feed.

If ds had been truly hungry he wouldnt have been soothed by a cuddle on dhs chest Smile

pictish · 02/11/2012 06:38

Don't feel bad for going out.

Certainly don't feel so bad that you look for things to feel guilty about, and rope your dh in for the bashing as well! Your guilt is nothing to do with him! Come on now - chill some.

Original poster
Mybabyseyes · 02/11/2012 06:39

You're right as usual. He's obviously changed his sleeping pattern. Am probably jealous that dh had an easy night.

OP posts:
FeersumEndjinn · 02/11/2012 06:47

YANBU to expect him to do this if it is needed - but in that case I would not expect him to know by intuition but to talk to him before you go out about how much DS needs at what times, and if you didn't do this then YABU to expect him to guess.

How long ago did your HV give you this advice? Feeding at that frequency is normal for a very new baby but by 12 weeks it would be expected that a baby can go a bit longer without milk and wouldn't normally need to be woken to feed.

If your DS has some condition which means this is really necessary then YAdefinitelyNBU and your DH is being awful to neglect DSs needs like this, assuming he is aware of the health necessity.

MarjorieAntrobus · 02/11/2012 06:47

You sound a bit down, OP. You OK?

woopsidaisy · 02/11/2012 06:47

Completely derailing thread, but I have a nearly 11 week old, and he still feeds loads at night! Amazed at all these babies sleeping for long stretches at 12 weeks. YABU OP, sorry! But also jealous.

FeersumEndjinn · 02/11/2012 06:48

(sorry I started composing my reply about half an hour ago and missed the other replies which make mine probably redundant now...)

MummyCoolski · 02/11/2012 07:10

I think that waking babies to feed is just until they have gained back their birthweight unless they have a particular special need to feed regularly. My boy is 16 weeks and has slept from my bedtime until 8am for about 6-8 weeks, now. If he was hungry he wouldn't just settle, so we wouldn't be able to get away with not feeding him if he needed it!

It sounds like your DH has inadvertently found that the baby is ready to start sleeping longer. Why not go with the flow & monitor using weight as a guide?

AThingInYourLife · 02/11/2012 07:32

YANBU

Waking a baby to feed at 11 means they are less likely to wake at 2am, which is a poxy time to be awake feeding.

I (or DH) always feed DD3 before we go to bed. Then we get a decent night's sleep.

Not bothering his hole to feed the baby and leaving you with a crappy night of sleep after a night out was really selfish.

And where was he with the baby asleep on his chest?

I hope not on the sofa (if your sister picked the baby up). That is really fucking dangerous.

I don't care how much sleep he "needs". His baby needs him to be awake sometimes when he is on duty.

bissydissy · 02/11/2012 07:39

2 breast feeding advisors told me that you could stop waking them at 2 weeks or 6 weeks (so range of opinion but not anything like 12 weeks)

Obviously no one told my baby.

Indith · 02/11/2012 07:45

My first used to wake MORE at night if I woke him for a feed when I went to bed!

Anyway sure your dh would have fed him had he not been able to settle him. If your baby had been hungry your dh would not have been able to settle him.

I agree with those asking where your dh was asleep with him though. even in bed is not ideal. I'm all for co sleeping and do it myself but research shows that co sleeping is safe for bf babies with their mother who responds to them in their sleep. A baby sleeping on a very deeply sleeping father is not an ideal situation.

don't feel guilty for going out. we all need a bit of time away!

nkf · 02/11/2012 07:52

If he didn't wake up, then he was okay. Might even indicate that he can go for longer. If he woke up and wasn't fed, not okay.