Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Freakish or typical behaviour for a grieving sister?

40 replies

poopnscoop · 31/10/2012 08:24

My cousin died last year at age 23 from an asthma attack. Tragic. A beautiful young woman. Ever since then her sister has been posting from her account... with little messages from heaven... posting music videos, 'cute' pics etc.

I find it disconcerting and odd. I hid the feed as it really bothered me, and don't wish to de-friend my now deceased cousin. I was close to her, hardly know her sister.

AIBU to find this really odd and be hacked off with the sister for doing this?

OP posts:
ZombTEE · 31/10/2012 08:26

YANBU but neither is she.

She's lost her sister. She's dealing with it the best way she can.

Fakebook · 31/10/2012 08:27

That is a bit strange. Is this on Facebook? How does she have her password?

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 31/10/2012 08:29

It's her way of grieving and keeping her sister alive I should imagine.

Maybe accept rather than judge what she is doing?

What is right for her may not be right for you. As far as I know there isn't a grieving handbook to abide by.

Maybe trying to understand why she needs to do this rather than calling her a freak would be kinder?

KittyFane1 · 31/10/2012 08:30

It's not my thing but it's obviously getting this woman through a bad time. I wouldn't want to read it personally and would hide her posts.

dysfunctionalme · 31/10/2012 08:32

Actually I have seen quite a bit of this sort of thing with family keeping the account active. I guess it's just their way of coping.

I think just hide any posts/feeds that bother you but try to accept her way of coping.

YerMaw1989 · 31/10/2012 08:32

A lot people who have lost children/babies do this also its their way of coping,
I think you should probably have a bit more compassion.

MsVestibule · 31/10/2012 08:33

I do think it's a bit odd, but not freakish. We all experience grief in different ways, and this must be her way of handling it.

As you can easily hide the feeds, I don't really see the big problem. I am very sorry for your loss; don't let this affect your own grieving or memories of her.

mutny · 31/10/2012 08:34

How old is the sister?

Everyone grieves differently neither Abu.

Original poster
poopnscoop · 31/10/2012 08:36

It's just so strange - the music videos et al are all her taste... not her (RIP) sister's taste. At all. They were very different as people. Surely this should be on her own FB page, not her sister's?

I am not calling her a freak (perhaps not the best word to use).. I do think the behaviour really weird though. Writing messages to her family and friends as though they were from her sister in heaven? Confused

If my husband did this were I to pass, I'd throttle him (from the grave).

OP posts:
SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR · 31/10/2012 08:36

I'd fine it icky as well but it's not actually doing you any harm and is probably helping the sister feel better, so just ignore it.

ditavonteesed · 31/10/2012 08:39

poor girl has lost her sister, that is a big thing and she should be allowed to del with that however she feels. you dont sound like you like her very much.

Original poster
poopnscoop · 31/10/2012 08:44

As someone who has nearly died a couple of times from an asthma attack myself, her death affected me deeply. Huge wake up call. Plus we were really close.

The feed is hidden. I checked her page today, thinking about her, and there was so much stuff on it, nothing connected to her, except the messages from heaven.

And the email wishing me on my birthday ... from my cousin who is no longer with us Shock

I would never say anything to anyone about this.. understand people grieve differently. This way of doing it can be hurtful to others though.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 31/10/2012 08:44

I find it a little disrespectful to the rest of her family and friends if I'm honest and I do think someone should respectful ask that she stops doing it.

I also find it very sad and your cousin sounds like she's not coping with her grief at all, so deserves compassion and love from people around her.

Original poster
poopnscoop · 31/10/2012 08:48

Re not liking the sister... no, I do not dislike her, I hardly know her... just what I know of her from her sister.

I am speaking of her behaviour here.. wondering if it's seen as a normal way to grieve... and I see some think it is.

OP posts:
TomsBentPinky · 31/10/2012 08:52

My family all post on a deceased relatices FB page. i find it odd but i feel i have to leave a message on birthdays/annivetsarys or it would cause upset.

Its not really my kinda thing but it brings them comfort.

Just defriend the sisters page?

poozlepants · 31/10/2012 08:55

What age is she? It sounds quite immature really. She is not really thinking how this sort of thing can impact on other people. I'm all for people dealing with their grief whatever way they can but it shouldn't hurt other people. I would be very very upset if someone posted birthday messages from a dead person even if it was her sister. I would ask her to stop sending you messages in the kindest way you can.

blueemerald · 31/10/2012 08:55

I think I would be ok with it apart from sending one-to-one messages from your cousin to friends and family, I'm afraid I think that is very strange and wonder how much it is helping her/hurting her relatives and friends.

Original poster
poopnscoop · 31/10/2012 08:57

Posting on someone's page as yourself... leaving messages to a deceased friend/family member is one thing - I do this too.

But going into the deceased person's account and posting (as if you were her) is a different ball game. In my eyes anyway.

OP posts:
MadamFollywillFreakyouout · 31/10/2012 08:58

I think it would be ok if she was posting on your cousin's wall from her own account with messages.

However I think that sending messages from your cousin is out of order and I would ask if someone could have a word.

Bunbaker · 31/10/2012 09:02

I realize that this girl is still grieving, but I still think this kind of behaviour is odd and a little spooky. I guess that I just find it odd that it is done on a public forum (I am just not a fan of Facebook), but I am a private person and would grieve privately.

I think that public displays of grief are a bit attention seeking. Sorry.

Original poster
poopnscoop · 31/10/2012 09:04

She's mid 20s.

OP posts:
WelshMaenad · 31/10/2012 09:07

I write on my friend's wall sometimes, she died just over a year ago. I miss chatting to her so much. Plus I want her daughter to see hiw much her mum is still loved and part of people's hearts.

But posting messages 'as' a deceased person is a bit beyond, IMO. Yes, everyone grieves in their own way, but this impacts on others, it would freak me the fuck out to get a 'message' from my deceased friend via find family member of hers. I agree that someone needs to have a gentle word.

FairhairedandFrustrated · 31/10/2012 09:11

So for example, Mary Jones passed away, but her sister Annie Jones is still with us.

Mary Jones's comments still appear all over Facebook as if it's HER posting? Sending people birthday wishes and leaving people messages from heaven? Yet it's Annie posting as Mary?

I'd definitely speak to someone close to Annie and make sure she has all the emotional support she needs right now.

I'm very close to all 4 ofmy sisters, but I find this behaviour worrying.

CrapBag · 31/10/2012 09:18

Ccould you not send her a private message stating that it upsets you when you get a message from your deceased cousin?

I wouldn't like this at all. I understand she is grieving but so is the rest of the family and someone should have a gentle word with her about what is appropriate.

YerMaw1989 · 31/10/2012 09:18

the sending messages as if she is the deceased cousin is worrying, is there anyone you could have a word with?.