Freakish or typical behaviour for a grieving sister?

[poopnscoop]

My cousin died last year at age 23 from an asthma attack. Tragic. A beautiful young woman. Ever since then her sister has been posting from her account... with little messages from heaven... posting music videos, 'cute' pics etc.

I find it disconcerting and odd. I hid the feed as it really bothered me, and don't wish to de-friend my now deceased cousin. I was close to her, hardly know her sister.

AIBU to find this really odd and be hacked off with the sister for doing this?

[Jusfloatingby]

I don't think its healthy. I think she's prolonging the denial stage of the grief process and is really upsetting other people in the process. She sounds as if she needs help in trying to move forward without her sister.

[MurderOfGoths]

"And the email wishing me on my birthday ... from my cousin who is no longer with us"

I think that would really upset me

[NomNomingiaDePlum]

yanbu, it would freak me out. BUT she is probably virtually deranged with grief - i cannot imagine losing one of my sisters, and the idea of it happening when i was a (pretty immature) twentyish year old - i doubt i would have coped. so i'd just hide the posts, and let her re-find her equilibrium at her own pace

extremely sorry for your loss

[TennisFan42]

Firstly, my condolences to you on losing your much-loved cousin, especially at such a young age.

Personally, I agree with you and would find it strange to see postings from someone who has died. I think you have done the right thing for you in hiding these updates from your feed. However, other than gaining a straw poll on here to establish you're not the only one who thinks it's odd, there's not really anything else constructive you can do about it.

I have also had a couple of friends die over the past couple of years who had FB accounts. Like you, i do not want to defriend them, but it makes me sad every year when FB reminds me to wish them a happy birthday. I think about them regularly so I don't need a reminder for them to be in my thoughts. I also realise it's not FBs fault the accounts are still active.

[SirBoobAlot]

Can understand it bothering you... But at the same time, you can't really tell someone how to grieve.

[Latara]

So so sad, poor woman to have lost a sister - horrible at any age.

I can't comment on what she's doing as everyone reacts differently to grief - it's obviously helping her, she must be totally devastated

[Autumnchill]

It's her way of coping but I have to admit I wouldn't like to receive messages 'from beyond the grave' so to speak. Perhaps she isn't coping that well at all and needs some more support.

I'm surprised other family members haven't already had a word. Is there anyone that you can mention it to if you aren't comfortable speaking to the sister about it?

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

If she's in her 20s then it's possibly a bit of a generational thing: she may well have been on Facebook since her mid teens and Myspace before that and basically, everything happens on line.

[Ithinkitsjustme]

I think I'd be tempted to suggest some sort of counselling as it doesn't sound as if she's coping at all well, if you are not close to her is there anyone (her parents maybe) who you could speak to and raise this with. I feel for you, but with regards the fb posting just hide the posts and don't worry about it.

[GiserableMitt]

But that's not really affecting anyone else lovebunny, unless she was putting the ashes on the table and expecting people to talk to them; it was a private way of grieving for your cousin.
I think there's a lot of difference between knowing your friend, cousin etc has her mother's ashes with her, and receiving birthday wishes from someone who is deceased.

[lovebunny]

leave her to it. she's doing what she can.

my cousin carried her mum's ashes around for a year, taking them on outings to cafes in nearby towns, because that's what her mum enjoyed. when she was ready, she sprinkled the ashes on her grandma's grave.

[GiserableMitt]

My Nan died last year (87 years old and had a FB account

I miss her dreadfully and do post on her wall to wish her a Happy Birthday and to tell her how much I miss her on the anniversary of her death; that gives me some comfort. However,if my Mum started posting as my Nan, and especially wished me a happy birthday from my Nan I would be quite upset by it.

[WeAreEternal]

A very close friend of mine passed away three years ago,
I post 'thinking of you' type messages on his Facebook page on his birthday and I have noticed other friends posting messages occasional.

But if someone were to do what your cousin has done and post messages as him 'from heaven' I would be very angry and upset.
I would find it extremely disrespectful, and I know that my friend would not appreciate it.

It is very sad that she is possibly not coping very well, although this could also just be something that she thinks is acceptable.
I would have a family member who is closer to her suggest that she set up a memorial page in her sisters honor, instead of posting with her account.
I would then report the misuse to Facebook, as technically she has hacked someone else's account.

[YerMaw1989]

the sending messages as if she is the deceased cousin is worrying, is there anyone you could have a word with?.

[CrapBag]

Ccould you not send her a private message stating that it upsets you when you get a message from your deceased cousin?

I wouldn't like this at all. I understand she is grieving but so is the rest of the family and someone should have a gentle word with her about what is appropriate.

[FairhairedandFrustrated]

So for example, Mary Jones passed away, but her sister Annie Jones is still with us.

Mary Jones's comments still appear all over Facebook as if it's HER posting? Sending people birthday wishes and leaving people messages from heaven? Yet it's Annie posting as Mary?

I'd definitely speak to someone close to Annie and make sure she has all the emotional support she needs right now.

I'm very close to all 4 ofmy sisters, but I find this behaviour worrying.

[WelshMaenad]

I write on my friend's wall sometimes, she died just over a year ago. I miss chatting to her so much. Plus I want her daughter to see hiw much her mum is still loved and part of people's hearts.

But posting messages 'as' a deceased person is a bit beyond, IMO. Yes, everyone grieves in their own way, but this impacts on others, it would freak me the fuck out to get a 'message' from my deceased friend via find family member of hers. I agree that someone needs to have a gentle word.

[poopnscoop]

She's mid 20s.

[Bunbaker]

I realize that this girl is still grieving, but I still think this kind of behaviour is odd and a little spooky. I guess that I just find it odd that it is done on a public forum (I am just not a fan of Facebook), but I am a private person and would grieve privately.

I think that public displays of grief are a bit attention seeking. Sorry.

[MadamFollywillFreakyouout]

I think it would be ok if she was posting on your cousin's wall from her own account with messages.

However I think that sending messages from your cousin is out of order and I would ask if someone could have a word.

[poopnscoop]

Posting on someone's page as yourself... leaving messages to a deceased friend/family member is one thing - I do this too.

But going into the deceased person's account and posting (as if you were her) is a different ball game. In my eyes anyway.

[blueemerald]

I think I would be ok with it apart from sending one-to-one messages from your cousin to friends and family, I'm afraid I think that is very strange and wonder how much it is helping her/hurting her relatives and friends.

[poozlepants]

What age is she? It sounds quite immature really. She is not really thinking how this sort of thing can impact on other people. I'm all for people dealing with their grief whatever way they can but it shouldn't hurt other people. I would be very very upset if someone posted birthday messages from a dead person even if it was her sister. I would ask her to stop sending you messages in the kindest way you can.