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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go to PIL's over x mas

39 replies

allthatglittersisnotgold · 23/10/2012 13:29

I think I probably am, but wonder if I can be kind about it? I don't particularly like my Pils, went over last x mas for a few days, it was "fine" but I feel a little alienated and was told off for not finishing my dinner amongst other things ( I am in fact in my early 30's).

My partner and I would love to host x mas, but we usually spend x mas with our own respective parents. This year I am supposed to be staying at his. I deperately don't want to. Christmas is a time for fun and good spirit? Right? I just feel that they are neither of these and the atmosphere is frosty. How do I tell them I don't want to go without being like you're rather arsey to me and I could do without it?

(Should add the reason we are not having anyone over is because the contents of our flat reside in our kitchen whilst we renovate and will still be a building site by xmas) but I am a keen host and love having people over.

OP posts:

Bubblemoon · 23/10/2012 13:34

You could be with your DP for life and I'd start of as you mean to go on. Once you've started these traditions (however "fine"/dreadful/glorious) they go on and on and on nd you'll be given severe guilt trips if after 4 years you finally man up and decide to do what you want. Get it over with now, enjoy Christmas your way and leave your sprouts if you don't want them.

bonzo77 · 23/10/2012 13:39

YANBU. Yes start as you mean to go on. Avoid "traditions" that bind you to certain arrangements. Different things will work different years. Things with my PIL are a bit crappy, and they live far enough away that we have to stay at least one night. If we have to go we keep the trip as short as feasible, and find lots of reasons to get out the house.

FunBagFreddie · 23/10/2012 13:41

OP I really sympathise. I really don't get on with PIL and had a fight with BIL who is golden boy was being an insulting, drunken total twat and telling me what a crap mum I was because I don't make DS do football or rugby, and I don't take that sort of shit from anyone frankly last Xmas and I don't want to go again. For obvious reasons I am persona non grata.

I'm getting a dog, so problem solved. That's not reason for getting a dog, obviously, but it's a welcome side effect! You could always say 'fuck off, I'm not going' to DP and ride the storm.

sooperdooper · 23/10/2012 13:43

If you went last year you don't need to go this year, do your own thing - could you all go out for Christmas dinner & then back to your own places after?

Trills · 23/10/2012 13:44

Nobody is ever unreasonable to not go anywhere over Christmas.

HTH

Original poster

allthatglittersisnotgold · 23/10/2012 13:47

I remember last year, we would go for "walks" to the pub to acquire some edible food. Always an interrogation about where we were going etc, as it isn't usual/normal apparently to want to go and get a little fresh air. Sneering at my offerings of wine and food, that I always bring as a guest as good manners.

I'm painting a bad picture, they're not terrible and their house is very clean and comfortable. I guess I feel like you work all year and x mas is a time to enjoy yourself with people you love.

OP posts:

dreamingofsun · 23/10/2012 13:52

if you went to their house last christmas i think you can use this as a rational for not going this year. we had a lovely time last christmas but this year we are going to......

i agree - nows a good time to start as you mean to go on. But you are a member of a family and therefore other people's feelings do need to be taken into account. Over future years they will probably do things for you that they don't really want to either.

However, its not unreasonable to not go to their house every christmas if you don't want to.

Trills · 23/10/2012 13:53

You don't need to say "we are not going this year because we went last year". That suggests that next year you will go to theirs again.

You can say "we are doing X this year", with no explanation required.

Original poster

allthatglittersisnotgold · 23/10/2012 14:05

Exactly dreamingofsun, they are certainly helpful with some things for us, that I'm sure isn't on the top of their to do list. Although I suspect this is to do with love for their son, rather than a liking of me. So I ceratinly don't want to piss them off needlessly at the moment! What happened last year was I went to theirs till 24th then partner and I went to mine till 26th ish. So now this year it's meant to be reversed ( complicated?!) so where I am being unreasonable is that I don't even want that compromise! I just don't want to be there, it makes me miserable.

Also know that sometimes you can't have it all your own way, so wonder if I should be a bit miserable to make my partner happy. Pils just don't like me/aren't interested in me. I don't get it, I am likeable (unless I've been under someones armpit on the commute home-then i'm in a rage), they just couldn't care less. So what will happen is, if I don't go it'll be a snub, but if I do go it's like they'd prefer their son to themselves, well my MIL more than FIL.

Over a pre x mas, x mas dinner I was told off for leaving my washing up on the side over night (in my own home) for not cooking every night for my DP (we both work full time) for not finishing my food, being told off for spending their son's money on the occasional tescos finest item (they seem to think I don't earn a very similar wage to DP-but just spend his money!)

This situation is as old as the hills I know ladies, and not serious as such, just interested in your opinions and sage advice.

OP posts:

Trills · 23/10/2012 14:06

Would going actually make your partner happy? Or not?

Original poster

allthatglittersisnotgold · 23/10/2012 14:08

Yes Trills I think it would, deep down.

OP posts:

Trills · 23/10/2012 14:10

Maybe you need to discuss with your partner, how his parents are not very nice to you. This is more important than just Christmas.

Annoying PILs can be dealt with, but only if both halves of the couple agree that their behaviour is out of order.

If the person whose parents they are think that their behaviour/treatment of the SIL/DIL is OK, then that's a pretty big problem for the relationship.

Original poster

allthatglittersisnotgold · 23/10/2012 14:18

Yeah again, same old boring story, I've told him I don't like how they are to me and he's agreed and actually last year he did reprimand her for being rude, at the same time though their manner is normal to him I suppose. Now we tend to not talk about it too much to avoid an argument (as we have had arguments in the past about it). Luckily they don't live close, so it's not like we have day to day problems.

OP posts:

Wingedharpy · 23/10/2012 14:19

How would you feel about him going to his parents and you going to yours?

toddlerama · 23/10/2012 14:28

Don't get sucked into "we were at yours last year, so we're doing x this year" either! This happened to one of my sisters and every other year she now has to have a crap time with people who clearly hate each other and christmas, beacuse "It's our year".

sue52 · 23/10/2012 14:36

You are now a couple and can set your own arrangements for christmas. Maybe your DP can visit his parents in the period between Chritstmas and New Year. Be tough now or you will set a pattern for years to come. I wish I had done this years ago as for the last 30 years I have had all my extended family over for Christmas dinner because "we always come to Sue's" , I long for the day when it's just me and DH having beans on toast in front of the tell.

Original poster

allthatglittersisnotgold · 23/10/2012 14:37

Wingedharpy-Yes I'm fine with that, the problem is last year they said oh you'll have to both come for the whole x mas next time. I agreed because one x mas I would like him to come to mine for the whole thing, as my parents love him (as they rightly should-he's a good egg). So it's a bit of tit for tat. Now x mas is looming and I don't want to go! Looking forward to the year I say everyone can come to mine (next year fingers crossed). Then I'll be in charge

OP posts:

dreamingofsun · 23/10/2012 14:41

i think you either have to reverse the dates or do something entirely different like stay at home together. i think it would be unfair for you to visit your parents each christmas but not his (unless like my mother you hated/ignored christmas anyway and then it doesn't matter).

i think that sometimes you have to accept less than ideal christmas' in the interests of family fairness and union.

Personally i'd like to go somewhere hot, with a swimming pool and have a barbecue but thats never going to happen

dreamingofsun · 23/10/2012 14:44

if thats the case then why don't you say you mentioned this to your parents and they were a bit upset. so you will only be able to visit them on xyz dates you hope they will understand.

Original poster

allthatglittersisnotgold · 23/10/2012 14:46

Thanks all, I'd like to have a x mas with all our friends in an ideal world, abroad! Drinking mojitos whilst singing jingle bells in a jacuzzi. Dreamingofsun, you're welcome to come!

OP posts:

ledkr · 23/10/2012 14:48

I think if you like a relaxing informal Xmas most people wouldn't have that at pils as you feel on best behaviour,
I have always said no to actual Xmas day with them largely cos mine are very formal drink minimally and have very small portions and not many luxuries. I like to curl up on sofa with dds and watch tv and eat and drink too much not put on posh frocks and sit bolt upright making polite convo with grandma whilst sipping on cheap wine hoping for another mortal of food. They also make a big fuss of dd2 who is dh's and leave out dd one who isn't.
Xmas is best kept at home IMO

choceyes · 23/10/2012 14:49

Pre Kids I would just go to my parents over christmas and DH would go to his. My in-laws don't like me much either. We now have 2 kids. Last year we went to theirs, and the year before that and the year before (my parents don't celebrate christmas as such, different religion). But this year we are staying at home for christmas...yayyyy!! IN-laws, especially MIL is the quitely simmering type and I can't take any more of her passive agressiveness.
TBH, if I never go there again, it would be happy!

ledkr · 23/10/2012 14:50

And they don't put the tv on! Are they mad?

waltermittymissus · 23/10/2012 14:53

allthat my eldest ds was born in January. I'd always had Christmas with my parents (who I love and have a great relationshio with). So I was 8 months pregnant when I last had a Christmas with them.

For ds's first Christmas we decided to stay home. DS wouldn't have noticed but I wanted to make the break for the future. We have 3 DC now and I know my mother was hurt and disappointed (occasionally makes references to it even now) but...

She got over it for the most part and after the initial guilt I'm really happy!

My rambling point is hurt feelings, whether your dp's or theirs, will be recovered from and a bit of guilt in 2012 is a small price to pay for a future of Christmasses you want!

ViviPru · 23/10/2012 14:57

OP are you my SiL? Your situation sounds very similar to mine.

Seriously though, I'm 9 years in with DP and have come to accept that a couple of days' endurance visit at Xmas keeps them off our backs for the most part (erm... don't read my other thread!!)

We now have established a 'tradition' whereby we visit them for a couple of nights before Christmas, but near enough for it to feel special for them, but get to spend ACTUAL Christmas somewhere fun, warm, comfortable and relaxing.

I make it all sound so easy but it's taken years of wrangling and miserable visits to get this this happy utopia. I had to make it happen though, for my own emotional wellbeing.

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