To not go to PIL's over x mas

[allthatglittersisnotgold]

I think I probably am, but wonder if I can be kind about it? I don't particularly like my Pils, went over last x mas for a few days, it was "fine" but I feel a little alienated and was told off for not finishing my dinner amongst other things ( I am in fact in my early 30's).

My partner and I would love to host x mas, but we usually spend x mas with our own respective parents. This year I am supposed to be staying at his. I deperately don't want to. Christmas is a time for fun and good spirit? Right? I just feel that they are neither of these and the atmosphere is frosty. How do I tell them I don't want to go without being like you're rather arsey to me and I could do without it?

(Should add the reason we are not having anyone over is because the contents of our flat reside in our kitchen whilst we renovate and will still be a building site by xmas) but I am a keen host and love having people over.

Ha ha yes Ledkr, I like to all pile into the living room (ideally wearing a onesie) watch something ridiculous on telly with a loud game of scrabble going on. Enough food to choke a pig and an IV drip of sherry. DP's parents do like a good drink, but it doesn't seem to make them any more amicable to me or inclined to bundle into the living room (get a bit "cats bum mouth" when the sofa looks lived in).

choceyes-my MIL is very PA, and only communicates to me in non x mas life via my DP. Last year I rung her personally re x mas and she was a bit .....

get a bit "cats bum mouth" when the sofa looks lived in

Heh we are definitely on the same page here... Is the TV only to be turned on if there is something specific someone has requested to watch (as indicated in the pre-agreed manner of having circled it in the Xmas RT) and only select one quality street during the 3-hourly passing round of the tin?

And you're only allowed breakfast if you attend the table at the same time as the rest of the house, woe betide anyone makes themselves a slice of toast after 9am

Yanbu. I minimize the time I spend with pil for similar reasons as you. Dh agrees his mother is hard work, so we visit on a day trip after Xmas but spend the rest of the time with my family. Start the traditions as you mean to go on and make sure you live far from pil and never answer the phone

ViviPru, aha, a sister in arms! Well TV in actually on permanently but only to watch if you are sat at the table in the kitchen. Living room is like a cold abyss and dining room (surely the one time the room does get used being x mas) doesn't get used! The ferrer roche sit unopened and unoffered on the kitchen work surface as does the hamper I bring full of treats!

Stop being so ungrateful and appreciate your damn quality street, woman.

There is no breakfast made :( or offered ( which is fine, happy to make my own) but MIL patrols the kitchen like a rottweiler with a crumb trigger.

Xmas with my inlaws is basically a torture. If we go to them there is bugger all to eat badly cooked, they don't turn the heating or the TV on. If they come to us they moan that they'd rather be at SIL's whilst I run around after them. DH is grumpy because he doesn't want them either. We were meant to do it year about- his parents and then my mother except SIL wouldn't have them when it was her turn.
So for the first time in 20 years I've put my foot down and said no no no.
They have been horrible to me this year (again) so I have put aside a lifetime of guilt and refused. They wanted to go to SIL's again but she doesn't want them so I presume they think we are their back up plan. We will see them the weekend before but I am not spending my DS's best Christmases with the pair of them tutting at the toys and making it all about them. DH has still to tell them.
If I were you I would go to neither set of parents for Christmas Day and have it yourself. See them at some point but for a short a time as you can manage.

Regardless of Christmas I wouldn't be treated like that tbh.

Yanbu

Christmas can be so shit can't it......

You are a couple, so why on earth spend xmas apart? Just tell everyone that you will be having xmas at home. If you can, then make visits together to each set of parents either just before or after xmas (and maybe not stay overnigh).

Sounds like a grim Christmas and I wouldn't want to go either!

Regarding the rest of their behaviour (telling you off re: dishes, money spent etc) why aren't you challenging them on this? I would challenge every single thing, and really labour the point.

I would be livid if someone told me off about not doing the dishes in my own home. I would just smile very nicely and say 'my house, my rules - but feel free to get stuck in if you like, will save me a job later!'

I have challenged her for nasty comments in the past and on this occasion, didn't want to upset the rest of the dinner or make a scene.

I can assure you there was some serious tongue biting! If I do go this year I will not be so nice if the time calls for it. I don't judge others so why should I be judged. I do my bloody best!

All I can say is that if my children had partners (they're in their early twenties) and if I was lucky enough for them then to want to come to my house for Christmas, I'd do everything I could to make it a lovely and relaxing time. The whole point is that you want them to enjoy themselves and to want to come back again, isn't it?

What exactly are these people thinking of? I would LOVE to shine a light into their eyes and ask them.

I had Xmas at my ILs last year and hated it. Think it's just a culture thing, my family is female dominated and Xmas is filled with gossip, silly games and booze, we barely watch TV.

My DPs family don't drink so it was a dry Xmas which was very different for me and they are all sport obsessed so they just spent the day watching cricket and football. The TV was always on. It felt like the longest day of my life and I'm worried I'll have to do it again every other year.

Establishing Christmas Day at yours is a good idea, I agree.

I sympathise. I'm a bit of a homebody and had all my Xmas's at home with my parents throughout my childhood. Now I have DH and DS I want to provide the same environment. I think it's lovely as a child to wake up in your own home on Christmas Day. However on DS's first Christmas we took him to stay with PIL's and it was the worst time ever. He was tiny, we were up all night, everyone made a racket when I tried to get him to sleep, dinner was delayed for hours, DS wouldn't feed properly, the travel cot we'd borrowed from SIL was years old and she 'forgot' there was no mattress to go with it. The list goes on. None of this is terrible stuff but it all added up to a stressful time that I will never repeat.

Nowadays we say that we're having Christmas at home and if people want to join us then they are welcome. End of.

Oh and another tip - we always (ALWAYS) book a mini-break for the 3 of us right after Christmas. We book it at least a year in advance. Somewhere like Butlins or Centerparcs where there's lots to do whatever the weather. It's a good antidote to all the Christmas stuff and, when the discussions start with the PILs over who's spending Christmas where, we can say that we're already going away from, say, 27th to 30th so we're not available. And by the way, we're having Christmas Day and Boxing Day at home because we'll be going away straight after. Sorted. Long may it continue.

For me, it comes down to whether you want to spend some christmases with your parents. If you do, and your DP also enjoys spending christmas with his parents, then you know that you're just going to have to go for it and deploy survival strategies.

If you prefer to have christmas solely with your DP, then you have an easy answer.

It shouldn't be this hard, should it?!