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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a normal thing to do?

37 replies

exbrummie · 23/10/2012 09:31

I am trying to get back in touch with someone I worked with many years ago and have had no joy on Facebook or friends reunited as he has a very common name and I can't be sure I have the right person.
I want to use the electoral roll to find him,but dh thinks this is weird and in his words"stalker-ish"
Surely lots of people use this method to find long lost friends etc and there is nothing weird about it.

OP posts:
AlmostAHipster · 23/10/2012 09:32

It is a bit weird IMO. Why are you so keen to get back in touch with him?

wishiwasonholiday · 23/10/2012 09:32

Does sound like you are very keen to find him, maybe dh is worried about why you are going to such lengths?

slartybartfast · 23/10/2012 09:34

he mgth not even be on facebook

lurkedtoolong · 23/10/2012 09:34

If you already know that he has a very common name I'm not sure how the electoral roll will help.

The electoral roll available to the public is also edited with people having opted out not visible so while I'm not sure if it's stalker like behaviour, I'm just not sure it will be very helpful.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 23/10/2012 09:34

I think using the electoral role is taking it a bit too far, but it depends why you want to get in touch. If its for an actual reason, then go for it. But if its just because you fancy a catch up, I think it's a bit wierd.

It would freak me out if someone from my past got in touch just for the sake of it and said they had found me through the electoral register. I'd think it was creepy.

redpanda13 · 23/10/2012 09:35

Does sound a bit "stalkerish"
I have a very common name and I often get people messaging me on FB. They just ask are you so and so who used to live in such an area or work wherever. I just let them no it is not me and hope they find who they are looking for. I don't see why you cannot just do that.

LunaticFringe · 23/10/2012 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
exbrummie · 23/10/2012 09:35

Just because we got on well and we lost touch a while ago.

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 23/10/2012 09:36

why do you want to contact him so much?

Icelollycraving · 23/10/2012 09:41

Perhaps your dh is a bit worried why you are so keen to see him?
I would find it a bit odd if it was just an ex colleague.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 23/10/2012 09:43

I think if you've gone through facebook, asking old friends to pass on that you want to get back in touch, friends reunited ... you probably have to accept he isn't that fussed about being contactable!

It's sad to lose touch but I think it's not very respectful of his privacy to try anything more.

Original poster
exbrummie · 23/10/2012 09:43

I have sent a few people with the same name on facebook messages but there are just so many of them I could be looking forever.(his surname is probably the most common one in the country).

The electoral roll helps because it lists other people who live at the address and I know his wifes name(God,yes I do sound stalker like now)

Ok I'll except,it's weird,I hate it when dh is right!

OP posts:
AlmostAHipster · 23/10/2012 09:50

People often lose touch with other people for a reason. I think back to friends I had years ago and yes, it would be nice to see then again as we had some great times but I'd never go looking for them anywhere but a quick google, if I was bored and had nowt else to occupy my thoughts for five minutes.

There's that old saying that friends are friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

I'd let it go and concentrate on the life you live now.

NotGeoffVader · 23/10/2012 09:53

Would it not be better to put an ad in a local paper?

There is a friend I lost touch with many years ago, through a combination of circumstances and I'd love to find her again. I know her sister is on facebook, but only on an intermittent basis. I have asked her to pass my regards on, and said I'd welcome hearing from my former friend, but so far, nothing.
I don't want to come across as stalker-y so I have just left it.

AMumInScotland · 23/10/2012 09:55

Electoral role would come across as very stalkerish to me - why not stick to facebook and Friends Reunited, and contact the possible candidates. You should be able to give them enough information for them to tell you if they are not that person, and I'm sure no-one would be offended by a note explaining that you're looking for x with the same name.

I'm not surprised your DH is concerned - if you lost touch years ago, then why is it suddenly so important to you to get back in touch? Have a think about why this matters so much to you. And think about why you lost touch - there's usually a reason. If you had really been getting on well then a change-of-address card, an email with new contact details, a quick text message etc would have been exchanged, wouldn't it?

RuckAndRoll · 23/10/2012 09:56

If you worked with them could you try linkedin?

It'll show contacts in common which might make it easier.

Alligatorpie · 23/10/2012 09:59

I had an old female friend of my brothers contact me through FB and ask if I send on her details to my bro. I did, he never contacted her, she msg'd me again, I ignored it, she sent another msg... It was ridiculous.
I agree with the pp who said - let it go!

Original poster
exbrummie · 23/10/2012 09:59

the ad in the local paper idea sounds like a good idea,might go with that.
Thanks for all your replies.

OP posts:
missymoomoomee · 23/10/2012 10:00

If someone I worked with years ago traced me through the electoral roll I would stop talking to them the minute I found out so there would have been no point doing it in the first place. Seems very stalkerish to me.

Original poster
exbrummie · 23/10/2012 10:03

linkedin also sounds good but it was a very small company and most of the other people were older than us so probably not very computer savvy.

OP posts:
dysfunctionalme · 23/10/2012 10:05

Sure use the electoral roll, ad in paper, mail box drop, hire a neon sign...

imnotmymum · 23/10/2012 10:08

Your DH sounds very understanding

MrsReiver · 23/10/2012 10:17

Have you tried looking for someone you might have as a mutual friend and seeing if he's on their friends list?

HyvaPaiva · 23/10/2012 10:35

OP, I really don't think the ad in the local paper is a good idea. You ask if this is normal. Having not maintained a friendship or even contact with this person, a quick facebook search would be normal. Wondering how they are doing and having good memories of working together is totally fine. A more extreme manner of searching isn't very normal. There's an urgency and importance about this level of search that makes no sense - is there more to this than you have said? If not, you need to think about this scenario from the ex-colleague's perspective. They haven't put an ad in the local paper looking for you. I don't think you should. That level is more akin to someone searching for a long-lost relative or to provide urgent information. Stick to facebook searches and mutual friends. Please don't go beyond that without a significant reason because the ex-colleague could easily be put off by the urgency/desperate search that a newspaper ad would suggest. It's nice that you care and by all means look out for this person, but it becomes rather odd when you search electoral rolls or take out newspaper ads.

Trills · 23/10/2012 10:40

Ad in the local paper also sounds a bit over the top - plus who actually reads their local paper?

Do you actually need to get in touch to inform this person that he is the father of your child?

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