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AIBU?

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Original poster

daughters melt down my fault

54 replies

juedanlil · 13/10/2012 22:43

Today shopping with my dd(4),ds(12)and dp . dd wanted some shoes she couldn't have so started crying ect and demanding the shoes and kept repeating "shoes shoes shoes " I told woke her to stop and to be a good girl . We carried on shopping she carried on crying ect. We went past a chocolate shop and she started screaming " chocolate chocolate " she then said we never let her have anything , and continued to scream and would hold hand ect , the shops were packed so u can imagine . During all this dp didn't help at all ! I took dd in to the toilet and told her quite sternly to stop acting like this and to pls be a good girl . We went back to the shops but she was having none off it , while dp was trying on sum clothes she didn't want to be waiting for him she kicked me and started screaming in a packed shop I had hurt her feeling and she wasn't my friend . Didn't know wot to do so took her out side to wait for the boys to finish , she then spat at me (she has never had a melt down like this ever ). When dp came out told him and said we need to go back to the car as she was been really naughty . ( don't know if I should have ). We were bout hr away from home . Get home kettle on really upset bout the whole thing as she hasn't behaved like this before . Dp turns round to me and says I have a short temper and a low threshold with her !! And he doesn't understand how it came to her kicking and spiting andI must have provoked her . Well I am really upset bout it all can you guys tell me where I went wrong and wot I should have done differently . Thanks in advance .

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 13/10/2012 22:48

I don't think you had a short temper at all!

She was probably tired/hungry/bored/all of above, shopping is shit at the best of times even for adults.

If your DP had any problems with the way you handled it, I'm sure he'd have been most welcome to step in and give a hand.

Don't worry about it, she was naughty and you dealt with it Smile

GlassofRose · 13/10/2012 22:50

I don't see what part of the above exhibits your short temper.

What you did does not sound unreasonable.

Parrish · 13/10/2012 22:50

Sounds like you handled it well! 4 year olds do this in shops. I don't take mine to shops as I think all their buttons are pushed to crave things as soon as they walk in the door. Ignore DP.

plantsitter · 13/10/2012 22:50

Sounds like what I would've done, but I'd've got out of there sooner!

Actually, I never go shopping with my 4 year old if I can help it, in case of exactly those kinds of tantrums. Some days kids are just that way about and I wouldn't worry about it.

I can see why your DP would be upset by it, but unless there's something you're not sayng I don't see how it was your fault!

lisad123 · 13/10/2012 22:51

She four and you thought taking her to a big shopping centre on a busy Saturday afternoon so dh could try on clothes was a good idea?
Sorry it's not your fault but please remember her age.

LFCisTarkaDahl · 13/10/2012 22:51

You did nothing wrong. Your dp is a twat.

But shopping is boring for 4 year olds, they don't really get why they can't have everything. Next time stay at home or do something fun, can't see a need for all of you to go.

Fishwife1949 · 13/10/2012 22:53

Sorry but i think you were right a four year old should not be acting like that and should be told off

The reason why she may be like this is your dp he seems quite soft and also clearly dosent support you when parents are devided on discipline bad behaviour follows

Personally would off took my child home and i would have told er off in front of the whole shop not taken her away in the loos it implies that you are doing somthing worng

WHY IS IT SO MANY THINK SETTING BOUNDIRES IS HARMFUL to a child no wonder so many children behave the way they do

Fishwife1949 · 13/10/2012 22:55

Yes children do get board shopping but sadly somtimes it a must and screaming for shoes is not on i think at four your old enought t be told so

IneedAsockamnesty · 13/10/2012 22:57

it sounds like you remained calm. have you tried asking him how he would have delt with it?

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 13/10/2012 22:58

You handled it fine.

Your dp on the other hand is unsupportive and not helpful.

Remind him that you're supposed to present a united front, not be left to manage on your own and them undermined and criticised.

Inneedofbrandy · 13/10/2012 22:58

The only thing you did wrong was say please be a good girl. I would of had a sterner word telling her she will be a good girl or x y and z would happen and bribery would have been involved, ie you can choose a comic/sweets/cake/play on iphone at the end.

Your DP shouldn't of been trying clothes on while she was being like this it should of been a in and out as fast and painless as possible jobby. Oh and if she's having a paddy suddenly its your dd and your fault when he's a parent to pffttt I'd of told him to fuck right off and try and do a better job.

ivykaty44 · 13/10/2012 22:58

you were great with the situation and didn't give in to her, which is great as next time she will know you don't say no then yes if she keeps on about what she wants.

Your dh though may prove to be a problem - sorry

WorraLiberty · 13/10/2012 22:58

On the contrary you sound as though you have the patience of a saint.

I take my hat off to parents with young children today because when mine were small, it was perfectly acceptable to give them a smack across the bum for that sort of behaviour.

I'm not advocating smacking by the way because I realise times have changed...but a short, sharp smack on the bum or the back of the legs would almost definitely have stopped the behaviour in it's tracks there and then...without escalating into spitting etc.

I don't know how people manage now with things like "Wait til you get home (2hrs later) and you won't get a star on your chart."

And before anyone suggests it, no my kids are not scared of me and nor was I scared of my parents...but the thought of a smack on the bum in front of a shop full of people was what made me behave.

If your DP is so wonderful at coping, perhaps he should have stepped in himself.

Original poster
juedanlil · 13/10/2012 23:00

I think she was tired or she just wore her self out cause she fell asleep on way home. He said I lost my temper because I said enuf is enuf we need to go . I asked why he didn't help me out , like use the daddy voice !! He said he didn't want to interfere . He feels I should have just ignored her and let her get on with it . But in this situation I feel I couldn't as she was very vocal . I have really been questioning my parenting skills . He also said we could have defused the tantrum by getting her sum choc then she would have behaved after . X

OP posts:
LFCisTarkaDahl · 13/10/2012 23:02

To be fair he's got one bit right - bribery can work.

What doesn't work is saying no to everything and not trying to distract them. They just get frustrated in a world of no.

WorraLiberty · 13/10/2012 23:03

Yeah rewarding bad behaviour with chocolate is always the way to go Hmm

Mrsjay · 13/10/2012 23:04

your daughter was being naughty and demanding and you did what you are supposed to do and sort her out , dont feel bad about it would you feel better if you gave in and got her shoes and chocolate so she got her own way?

, shopping is rubbish for kids and some adults she was probably bored but it is ok for her to be bored and do what others want sometimes,

nailak · 13/10/2012 23:05

i normally get the kids something from poundshop, to keep them quiet.

Fishwife1949 · 13/10/2012 23:05

Op you are a good mother a bad one would have given in

Sorry but your oh is the one who may need a pareting class and i guess he lets her get away with murder hence why she thinks she can try it on with you

Never doubut your self again op boundries , rules and a firm gental hand are what children need to grow i never meet a child yet who is allowed to run wild who is happy

nailak · 13/10/2012 23:05

before they start behaving badly btw, as i know if they are bored and are not getting anything from the shopping they will behave badly, if we in asda or something i would buy them a book.

LFCisTarkaDahl · 13/10/2012 23:06

Bribery could have worked earlier, as part of an overall 'let's get through this shit shopping experience together'.

Not at the end to shut them up.

waltermittymissus · 13/10/2012 23:07

So he wanted to give in to her? How does that help her learn what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't?

Does he always give in to her? Maybe that's where the meltdown has come from? Maybe she's not used to the word no?!

You handled it fine.

IneedAsockamnesty · 13/10/2012 23:08

worra your totally right,i have a memory of my knickers being pulled down and bum spanked, not one other person batted an eyelid.

obviously these days the gun squad would be called and all hell would break lose.

clearly im also echoing your viewpoint that its not ok at all to smack and just agreeing thats how my parents would have delt with it. fwiw ive never smacked any of my kids and i dont like it.

Original poster
juedanlil · 13/10/2012 23:09

Yes I know its not ideal for a 4 year old to come shopping but she hasn't behaved like this before and normal enjoys a little look round , we are never out hours . And today we decided to travel a little further to a shopping village !(never again !)
Dp is very soft and acts like a child him self . I did feel like telling him to f off but was quite shocked by wot he said . Thanks for your comments was really doughting myself x

OP posts:
Inneedofbrandy · 13/10/2012 23:09

Your boundries wern't clear enough when you asked her to please be good. That there put her in charge. Your DP is being a dick about it but it could have got stopped before the meltdown, without turning her into a spoilt entitled brat.

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