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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

daughters melt down my fault

54 replies

juedanlil · 13/10/2012 22:43

Today shopping with my dd(4),ds(12)and dp . dd wanted some shoes she couldn't have so started crying ect and demanding the shoes and kept repeating "shoes shoes shoes " I told woke her to stop and to be a good girl . We carried on shopping she carried on crying ect. We went past a chocolate shop and she started screaming " chocolate chocolate " she then said we never let her have anything , and continued to scream and would hold hand ect , the shops were packed so u can imagine . During all this dp didn't help at all ! I took dd in to the toilet and told her quite sternly to stop acting like this and to pls be a good girl . We went back to the shops but she was having none off it , while dp was trying on sum clothes she didn't want to be waiting for him she kicked me and started screaming in a packed shop I had hurt her feeling and she wasn't my friend . Didn't know wot to do so took her out side to wait for the boys to finish , she then spat at me (she has never had a melt down like this ever ). When dp came out told him and said we need to go back to the car as she was been really naughty . ( don't know if I should have ). We were bout hr away from home . Get home kettle on really upset bout the whole thing as she hasn't behaved like this before . Dp turns round to me and says I have a short temper and a low threshold with her !! And he doesn't understand how it came to her kicking and spiting andI must have provoked her . Well I am really upset bout it all can you guys tell me where I went wrong and wot I should have done differently . Thanks in advance .

OP posts:

Fishwife1949 · 13/10/2012 23:09

nailak sorry dont agree at the assertion that children will always be naughty if they are not getting somthing

WHY the fuck should a child always be brought somthing everytime tou go to the shop

That is storing up trouble in my book I am always amused when i see chikdren demanding things when were in tesco and its because they are used to always getting somthing and themoment you havent brought any money or are to busy they will kick off

WorraLiberty · 13/10/2012 23:11

Oh no they wouldn't pull my knickers down >

But the embarrassment of being smacked in public was more than I could bear because in those days, shop assistants and strangers were allowed to stick up for your parents and remark about how naughty you were being

Mrsjay · 13/10/2012 23:11

a little tip I used I would say to mine now teens we are going shopping or wherever and after we have finished what we have to do we will go and get X Y Z . and also yes maybe you asked her to be good wasn't the right words maybe say you have to stop asking for things being naughty, and don't ask her tell her, kids and shopping in a busy centre is stressful you handled it well I wouldve probably took mine home at that age,

Mrsjay · 13/10/2012 23:13

I used to tell mine if they didn't behave id sing or dance in the shop that worked in Asda cos they always have music , the thought of me sining like a strangled cat brought them rushing to my side

Inneedofbrandy · 13/10/2012 23:13

Why can't they have something though? It doesn't have to be something that you wouldn't get already. It could be something like choosing their own yoghurts, or having a piece off the french stick dressed up to make it seem great to them.

I say that and I am old school on paddys, I have picked my son up in a firemans lift and carried him home when he threw a strop at leaving the park. He never threw another strop though.

Fishwife1949 · 13/10/2012 23:14

All you can do is make it very CLEAR that you wont tolrate that behaviour and leave to to act how she wants with her dad let him deal with it

Giving in might work in the short tem but he will have regrets in the long term

MrsWembley · 13/10/2012 23:15

Getting her chocolate after you'd said no would have been completely out of order! What did he think would happen then, eh? In her 4yr old mind it would immediately register as 'throw a tantrum, get what I want' and you'd never have another moments peace.

You sound like you stayed calm and talked to her at her level, just like you're supposed to. Don't sweat it, everyone has DCs that do this and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying!

If when my 3yr old throws a wobbly when we're out and about, she either gets strapped in her pram or taken straight home, depending on whether or not I've got more to do. I've had to take her home from the zoo half-way through a day out before now, because she's been playing me up. She is learning that my threats are followed through and it's starting to have an effect.

Mrsjay · 13/10/2012 23:18

I have taken mine home or made them sit on a seat to calm down and stop what they are doing, I did once go home myself and leave them in town because they were bickering and fighting in the shop , I walked off and left them ,

before we they were 17 and 13 and had busfare home

Original poster

juedanlil · 13/10/2012 23:18

Yes I should have told her to be good or else , but not used to this behavior . Will know better for (hopes there isn't) but nxt time x

OP posts:

Fishwife1949 · 13/10/2012 23:19

Op when my 10 year old played up i took him home from thope park we hot all the way up there paid no less but he was told if he didnt behave we were going stright home and bapecause we had paid and only just got there he didnt think i would do it

I did hes never played me up when on a trip again and i took the price of his ticket out of his bike fund he had been saving for

MrsWembley · 13/10/2012 23:19

moment's

Original poster

juedanlil · 13/10/2012 23:20

Yes I should have told her to be good or else , but not used to this behavior . Will know better for (hopes there isn't) but nxt time x

OP posts:

MrsWembley · 13/10/2012 23:22

Good for you, Fishwife! It's a harsh lesson, OP, but one soon learnt and life is so much happier for everyone.

AgentZigzag · 13/10/2012 23:29

'He said he didn't want to interfere'

If he was saying the same as you it's called backing you up, which is what he should have done.

You say your DP is soft on them, to me that translates as he's not confident enough to tackle the DC about their behaviour for fear of being seen as the 'baddie'.

Whereas DC actually respect someone more for letting them know what's acceptable/not.

What's he like when they're with him without you? Does he get walked all over and they twist him round their little fingers?

Original poster

juedanlil · 13/10/2012 23:44

He is soft with them I think your rite he doesn't want to handle them if they kick off hence y he went off to the changing rooms !
I have been speaking with my dd since bout how upset I was with her behavior ect and how only good girls get treats ect . But she doesn't seem to remember anything about it , she was really upset when I said she kicked me . Has she blocked it out sum how (wishes I could do the same !) X

OP posts:

lovebunny · 14/10/2012 01:59

you were quite right.

does she need shoes? are her feet hurting?

defineme · 14/10/2012 02:19

Don't doubt your parenting skills-you did fine and your dh was being a wimp/has no clue.

However, I really don't think shopping is a suitable leisure activity-fair enough when needs must-mine have all been to the shoe shop/supermarket, but a trip out is not a trip to a shopping village. Can you tell I think it's shit how we're all obsessed with shopping? Go for a walk in the countryside not round the shops...

defineme · 14/10/2012 02:21

Sorry-you probably do that.
Mine would often tantrum, get severely told off and then it would turn out they were coming down with a virus or something.

Astelia · 14/10/2012 02:30

If our DCs had done anything like that we'd have got straight in the car. Terrible behaviour.

However I rarely took took the DCs shopping as they hated it, I would go by myself to get things or use online or catalogues. DH also hates shopping. He goes once a year to stock up on his clothes.

Why didn't you go shopping by yourself? I don't count taking children (or DH) shopping in my list of fun activities. It is to be avoided at all cost.

Your DH sounds like a soft touch and as for blaming you- unbelievable. He will create a spoilt princess if he isn't careful. Plus she will behave increasingly badly to you if she thinks she can get away with it. All this needs nipping in the bud. Spoilt 4YOs can soon turn into spoilt 14YOs. Not nice.

rockinhippy · 14/10/2012 02:37

You did nothing wrong, your DP on the other hand was an arse + I suspect he was the reason she was playing up, little girls are very good at spotting the cracks + playing parents off against each other to get what they want - DP is soft with her & undermined you, I'd lay bets he wasn't there for the other shopping trips when she DID behave.

I was always old school strict with mine, our catch phrase at that age was " I want doesn't get" & I never gave her any treats if she demanded. Like yours she never played me up, not even with DH as he always backed me - shopping with my SMALL though was another matter all together, because DD quickly cottoned on that Nana was a sift touch + that Nana liked to undermine me.

Keep up the good work + have a word with your DP,

rockinhippy · 14/10/2012 02:46

Don't you just love predictive text SMALL should be DM + I give up wither the rest

HermioneHatesHoovering · 14/10/2012 03:16

As the mother of 3 now 27, 24 and 18, it sounds like you handled it just fine. Kids NEED boundaries. Giving in can be easier at the time but in the long run causes problems and makes life harder.

Your dp sounds like a bit of an idiot, sorry.

yourallbutthurtsoccermoms · 14/10/2012 04:54

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Sokmonsta · 14/10/2012 05:00

YANBU. But your dh could have handled it better. There was no need for him to avoid dd and her behaviour. He should have supported your actions, especially as it was getting to him too.

I don't give in to dd. she is also 4. If we are doing that type of shopping trip, I've found explaining the 'rules' before we go helps limit meltdowns. Ie we're going shopping for clothes/shoes/a present for x. Please don't keep asking for anything as mummy and daddy can't promise you'll get it. We're going to for lunch if you try to be good. You're not setting her up to fail by asking her to try, but it's made a treat by putting that condition to behave on it. she's more likely to comply as there is the possibility the treat will be withdrawn.

TheHumancatapult · 14/10/2012 05:06

You did the right thing by saying need yo take her back and by following through .
Your dd needs learn if you say your going to do it then Yiu will do it .

But well done sounds like you handled it really well

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