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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is shoddy behaviour from a friend?

33 replies

IcouldstillbeJoseph · 10/10/2012 19:58

I am 22 wks preg. I am recovering from a rather nasty bout of pneumonia (week in hospital - lucky to still be pregnant etc). One of my friends has not contacted me AT ALL since I was admitted to hospital. I have been out about 6 weeks now.

She bumped into my DH (we live quite close) and said "yeah I'm just letting her get on with it, I'll see her when she's better"

I saw her today for coffee. She mentioned another friend of hers who's toddler DD is just out of hospital with meningitis. She said a similar thing to me about her "I'll just get in touch when everything's better"

AIBU to think this is a bit shoddy? Surely times of illness/crisis are times when you need the support of your friends the most? I'm not expecting a large bouquet of flowers and a card but a bloody text would have been nice!

Just to point out she considers herself such a good friend she has asked me to be her bridesmaid next yr.....

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 10/10/2012 20:00

perhaps she has a phobia of illness? I agree it isn't the way to treat friends.

pictish · 10/10/2012 20:00

Maybe she doesn't want to impose during a stressful time?

thebitchdoctor · 10/10/2012 20:00

I agree it's a bit shoddy. My exBF is like that and I now no longer talk to her because she 'left me to get on with it' after my mum died.

Original poster
IcouldstillbeJoseph · 10/10/2012 20:01

It's not imposing to text offering support though?

OP posts:
pictish · 10/10/2012 20:02

No, that's true.

Maybe she just doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself?

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 10/10/2012 20:03

Sounds like she doesn't know what to say and do in those types of situations, so avoids them altogether.

If your baby was in danger and your other friends child was very poorly, can be difficult to know what to say and do.

I do however, completely agree that's not any kind of an excuse for not getting in touch at all. Yanbu.

Glad you're better hope you enjoy he rest of your pg.

rosyposyandc · 10/10/2012 20:04

It is shoddy and I have had similar experiences with one friend as well. I think so much less of her now

GoSakuramachi · 10/10/2012 20:06

Maybe if she was in those situations she's prefer to be alone to get on with it and assumes other people think the same.
Thats no worse than you assuming your way is the only way to behave.

LouMacca · 10/10/2012 20:09

YANBU. I was rushed into hosp last year and spent 10 days in there (inc. surgery)

I was overwhelmed with the amount of texts, cards, gifts and offers of help with the DC's that I received - that's what friends do! Your friend sounds a bit odd tbh - is her head filled with wedding plans??

Original poster
IcouldstillbeJoseph · 10/10/2012 20:10

I could buy that but she's always calling on me in times of mini crisis!

OP posts:
youarewinning · 10/10/2012 20:10

ah my message dissapearded!

YANBU. She could have text to say she is there when you need her and/or can help with XYZ. There's not encroaching and theres not making an effort.

IvorHughJackolantern · 10/10/2012 20:11

YANBU, I've seen my 'best' friend three times since DS was born 18 months ago. She 'doesn't like children'. In that time DS has been seriously ill in hospital once, I've had 2 lots of surgery and am waiting for a third, DHs (she was 'friends' with him too) mum has been seriously, seriously ill and died last week. Not a dickie bird have we heard. And she knows all of this because other friends keep her updated. Some people are worthless cunts when you get right down to it. She was bridesmaid at my wedding, btw.

Jux · 10/10/2012 20:13

Some people simply can't cope with illness, and particularly hospital.

What did you say to her when she told you she would wait for her other friend's life to get better before she bothered? That would give you an insight into whether she's a seriously fair-weather friend, or whether she might have an issue of some sort.

Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname · 10/10/2012 20:13

Shoddy. I would make a point of being a lot less available to help with her 'mini crises' from now on.

Tryingtothinkofnewsnazzyname · 10/10/2012 20:14

No issues with hospital, illness or whatever would stop friend sending a text or card. As I said, shoddy.

piratecat · 10/10/2012 20:15

bizarre behaviour. even if you don't 'do' illness or have a fear of hospitals, you would surely send a greeting.

OneNiceGreenLeaf · 10/10/2012 20:16

I'm constantly surprised at just how crap some people can be.

I've got a "good" friend who has been completely rubbish during the few times of serious crisis in my life. Doesn't get in touch or offer any support. I'm still friends with her but I do get pang of anger when I dwell on how little love she showed me when I really needed it.

Boomerwang · 10/10/2012 20:17

Is she generally awkward about other people's lives? If you have another example of what you believe is shoddy behaviour from her then I'd swing one way or the other but right now I'm inclined to think she's just not a naturally supportive person and might not be aware of how she's coming across. Would you say she was more of an acquaintance than a close friend? Obviously you've pointed out that she's asked you to be a bridesmaid but perhaps that's a surface level friendship thing to her.

I was always paranoid that I was being intrusive or imposing on my friends (when I had them) and that would be down to my mother and father bringing me up to believe that other families might prefer to keep things close and personal. They wouldn't even visit my dying fiance in hospital because they were afraid that his parents might think it was inappropriate.

TheLightPassenger · 10/10/2012 20:19

I think it's worth digging a bit deeper as to why she does it, just in case there's some reason that isn't pure selfishness, as it would be appear to be on the surface.

Original poster
IcouldstillbeJoseph · 10/10/2012 20:19

Jux - I'm ashamed to say I didn't really say anything. I just said 'oh' and she carried on talking.

OP posts:
TheLightPassenger · 10/10/2012 20:19

I think it's worth digging a bit deeper as to why she does it, just in case there's some reason that isn't pure selfishness, as it would be appear to be on the surface.

purplehouse · 10/10/2012 20:20

Possibly a question of friends (incorrect) upbringing

Original poster
IcouldstillbeJoseph · 10/10/2012 20:23

Boomer - tbh I was completely astounded she asked me to be bridesmaid. Our friendship, as far as I was concerned, was based mainly around our DC being v close in age and us living within walking distance. I don't really feel that close to her and can't rely on her - even more so now! I'm not too hurt by her behaviour, I have better friends, just wondered whether I was bu.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 10/10/2012 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ohsiena · 10/10/2012 20:32

She obviously thinks this is the correct way to behave.

She thinks people prefer to be given space and not bothered when they're I'll.

Maybe she is like this, maybe her family are.

Actually I like to be left alone and not bothered with the small talk and explanations when ill or in difficulty, so I can sort of see it.

But I don't find receiving cards too intrusive!

She obviously cares abut you, she's asked you to be a bridesmaid. She doesn't realise you want or expect acknowledgement of your difficulties at the time, as her belief is 'you leave people alone'.

As with most AIBUs: she may be a super bitch, she may not be. Hard for us to tell. You should have a fair idea thugh. Is she a good friend in ther ways?

The fact she told you about her strategy to leave people alone suggests she's not a bitch. People don't usually openly announce 'I'm a bitch and I think like one'. She thinks she's doing the right thing,

Maybe let her know you'd like to see her, want support, and she'd change her view and actions.