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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have put dh straight.

35 replies

advance01 · 05/10/2012 12:55

So we have a lovely newborn dd. Obviously she wakes at night and takes a while to settle. I am breastfeeding and therefore dealing with all the night waking. For the 1st week or so dh slept on futon. However, now back in our bed as futon not as comfortable as bed.
The other night I was up feeding for the best part of 2 hours in the middle of the the night plus usual 11pm and 6 am.
Dh was overheard on phone to his mum saying dd must have slept well as I didn't hear her or maybe I slept well as I am so tired.
Just had to point out that no, dd and I did not have a good night.
WIBU

OP posts:

Madmum24 · 05/10/2012 12:57

Get used to it. Men have a way of being selectively deaf where a new born is concerned, yet often give the impression that they are doing all the work!

Congratulations btw!

lynniep · 05/10/2012 12:58

you can point it out lovey but he probably won't believe you LOL! Sorry to make light of it, but mine still wake occasionally during the night (DS2 nearly 3) and DH always comes downstairs saying 'why do you look so knackered - DS2 slept through!?'

Pancakeflipper · 05/10/2012 13:02

We still have this and our kids are 4 and 7.

DP will wake up saying "Ooh that was a good nights sleep wasn't it?" whilst I have been up since 2am with a ill kid, a nightmarish kid, a cat going crazy etc...."

OneMoreChap · 05/10/2012 13:05

XW would wake to DS but not to DD, at all.
DW tells me that I'd always wake when DD was staying with us, but not to DS.

FWIW, I used to do the night feeds so DS had a baby-cry alarm so I'd wake for him, or DW would prod me awake.

controlpantsandgladrags · 05/10/2012 13:10

Yanbu at all and you are soooo not alone op

Dh used to wake in the morning as fresh as a daisy and remark on how well dd had done to sleep through. Invariably this was after I had had approximately zero sleep and had spent the night pacing the landing with a screaming baby....

ThreeWheelsGood · 05/10/2012 13:16

Aw, you could tell him. But he might be trying to reassure his mum that everything is going alright, just a passing comment if she asked. You're probably knackered and taking what he said very personally when he might not have put much thought into what he was saying.

DeWe · 05/10/2012 13:19

Dd1 slept through at 8 weeks and never woke more than once.

Dd2 woke 2-3 times a night until she was about 2yo. Dh used to wake up regularly from when she was 8 weeks until over a year and say "she slept through last night" . Eventually I got a bit cross with him for saying that and he stopped saying it.

Dh still doesn't get how often I am disturbed with the dc (11, 8 and 5) because if they wake, even if it's something he can deal with better than me (eg spider) they still come and wake me as they "know he won't wake up for them".

PigeonPie · 05/10/2012 13:24

I remember something similar the week after DH went back to work after his leave after DS1 was born. He was asked at lunch how DS(1) was sleeping and he proudly said he was sleeping through!

DH told me about this conversation in a coffee shop whilst DS1 was feeding and I nearly knocked DS off with laughing so much.

In the, almost, seven years since DS1 was born, I've just come to accept that he won't realise. However, I might mention to the DSs in the morning that they'd had a disturbed night etc (I've completely stripped a bed, remade it got child washed down and settled and he hasn't noticed!).

Try not to get upset about it as it won't do your relationship any good being resentful, but do let him know that you are up a lot and will need help / extra sleep in the day.

SuzySheepSmellsNice · 05/10/2012 13:27

I think I made a rod for own back, as I decided to do all of the night feeds as DH was back at work... So now surprise surprise DH tends to sleep through the crying, and I wake up if a mosquito coughs in the lounge... I used to be a light sleeper, but this is ridiculous! DH tries to go in to comfort him, but DS (19 months now) keeps crying until Mummy comes... Silly SuzySheep...

Llanbobl · 05/10/2012 13:28

Aaaaarrgggghhhh. Why do you all enable your partners to do this?

You're breast feeding - he can do the nappy change - seems like a fair deal. Me and DP did this - but I s'pose I'm lucky to have a partner who is not a selfish pig and obviously cares about me and his child and wanted ( and still does and is) to be involved (deliberately being provocative)

As for the kids know he won't wake up for them or those of you up and about with poorly kids or batty pets - you have elbows - wake your partner up. Of course they'll sleep through if you are daft enough to let them.

I despair

PigeonPie · 05/10/2012 13:34

When the DSs were babies, I didn't think there was any point in both of us being up in the night. DH works, I was at home / now work from home, so it made more sense, when they're little and I was at home for me to do the nights.

DH is a bit better now, and sometimes I kick him out to deal with them, but if I'm going to need to get up anyway or am already awake, I'll do it.

Pancakeflipper · 05/10/2012 13:35

Lianbobi -giggling at that. My DP is not a selfish pig, he does care about me and he cares his children. Bit of on OTT statement. Not sure how you can jump from not hearing kids up in the night and batty pets behaving badly as not loving your family.... Ummmm

He is a deep sleeper, slept through a few earthquakes in his time. I am a light sleeper. I probably do it as he works away alot and at 2am I am in auto mode and possibly not registered if he's actually in the bed next to me.

Llanbobl · 05/10/2012 13:42

My response was meant a bit tongue in cheek. Suzy hits the nail on the head - you're all making a rod for your own backs by "enabling" your partners not to share care/responsibility. Get'em trained from the get go

prettypleasewithsugarontop · 05/10/2012 13:43

tuts

MEN

My DH slept through...even if he offered to take his share, he would just sleep right through, with the baby bawling at his side of the bed. Maybe 3 nights a week DD2 (4) is waking in the night

Pancakeflipper · 05/10/2012 13:43

I think I prefer to leave him sleeping but be in charge of picking up dead animal duty... swings and roundabouts...

Weasleyismyking · 05/10/2012 13:52

My DH was the opposite. DS started sleeping through really early (sorry not stealth boast!) but DH was still haggard.
When i eventually asked him what was the matter, he thought he'd been woken numerous times every night since the birth! I explained that DS had been sleeping through for a couple of weeks and he was shocked.
The next day DH woke looking fresh as a daisy!

Lonecatwithkitten · 05/10/2012 13:57

Could try channelling what my friend did baby wakes DH brings baby to her to feed, he goes downstairs makes her cup of tea and then returns baby to bed. All the while she stayed toasty in bed.

SofaKing · 05/10/2012 13:59

Things might change. I have had nearly five years of night wakings as my three DC are poor sleepers, but now I keep sleeping through ds2 waking up and dh hears him.

I think I am too knackered now to spring awake instantly so now dh has time to realise what the noise is and get the baby. I just have to persuade him not to bring him into our bed now as he always ends up asleep on my pillow!

CailinDana · 05/10/2012 14:06

I am always when I read thread like this. From day one DH did night wakings with DS (he was mix fed, so had one bottle in the evening while I went to bed, then we switched), and now that DS is 21 months and sleeping through we share getting up in the morning with him (he's an early riser). There is no way I would ever put up with my DH snoring beside me while I dealt endlessly with a waking child. I would go mad. I don't know how so many women put up with it.

Nagoo · 05/10/2012 14:12

DH doesn't wake up, so I help him to if it's his turn.

But if you are BFing then why would you make the DH get up and go downstairs? That's a bit off IMO, there's no point in both of you being knackered.

YANBU to let your DH know that just because he is sleeping, doesn't mean everyone else is. If he doesn't understand the situation then he won't be so inclined to help you out when you need it.

YABU if you are martyring yourself and trying to make him feel bad for sleeping through.

diddl · 05/10/2012 14:18

Sometimes ours would both wake up & come into bed with us.

Husband would wake up in the morning & say "oh-how long have they been here?"

Mind you I I would more likely than not go into one of their beds-they both have a double each!

OHforDUCKScake · 05/10/2012 14:38

Llanobi my partner is far froma selfish pig.

He goes to work and works fucking hard building gardens, with chainsaws up trees etc.

Im at home with my son, if Im tired I can nap when he does. My dp cant be up a tree after 2 hours sleep.

This does not make him a selfish pig. He'd gladly help, but Id rather he was we slept so all his limbs stayed on during work hours.

Judgemental much?

Spuddybean · 05/10/2012 14:53

I am trying to find a fair routine for us to share. Ds is 3 weeks and atm i am doing everything and DP is continuing like nothing has changed. The other night DP went to bed at midnight and got up at 8 and complained to me that he was tired as he 'only' had 8 hours sleep. I have not had more than 2 hours in one go for a week. I was not impressed.

We are chatting about it this weekend. It isn't helped by everyone in our families saying he shouldn't do anything as he 'has to go to work' so it's not fair for me to expect help. People are even saying poor him. And poor him for the awful birth i had etc. I am reaching boiling point.

Sorry to hijack, i needed to rant. But yes i would put him straight OP. :)

SuzySheepSmellsNice · 05/10/2012 15:08

Um, just for the record my DH is an amazing father and would do anything for me or our son. He changes most of the nappies at the weekends and is always playing with DS, sorts his dinner etc... The whole nighttime thing is my fault, he gets quite upset that DS goes to sleep straight away as soon as I give him a cuddle, but the won't settle in the night for him.

CailinDana · 05/10/2012 15:12

The attitude of your family baffles me Spuddy. Your DP could help and still get 5/6 hours sleep, which is what a lot of people get anyway, even without a baby. Being up and down all night every night with no guarantee of anything more than 2 hours in a row of sleep is torturous and not something anyone should go through over a long period. No matter how hard the man works there will always always always be at least one night in the week where he can ease the load.

I don't know if it helps but the way DH and I worked it was that I went to bed at about 9 while he stayed downstairs with DS and gave him a bottle when needed, then he brought him up to me in the bedroom at 1/2 for a bf(depending on how well DS slept) and DH went to sleep in the spare room. DH got up for work at 8 so we each got a chunk of sleep and we were both fine. I was never exhausted, even though DS was the world's worst sleeper.

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