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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

kissing babies

32 replies

nightowlmostly · 05/10/2012 08:21

I'm not sure if IABU, I don't think so but I need advice on how to handle this if not!

I have a 6 month old DS, and he has a cousin who is a year older. Whenever we go to visit, my SIL gets her baby to kiss mine on the lips. It's quite sweet, but I'd rather she didn't, as when we get back, a couple of days later one of us inevitably gets some kind of cold. She even says, oh, my DC gets every bug going, ha ha, then gets them to kiss. I'm pretty sure she kisses him on the lips too.

AIBU? I just think that toddlers get loads of bugs, that's to be expected, but I don't want them to actually get so close, the snot, yuk!

So if IANBU, how do I say something? She is my DH's sister, so it'd be nice if he would, but I don't think he's as bothered. I am thinking about this today because we saw them a couple of days ago and I can feel a sore throat coming on. We don't see them that often so that's why I've not said anything before, but I don't want it to always happen. I don't think I'm being pfb, am I?

OP posts:

EdwardtheEagle · 05/10/2012 08:22

Yanbu. We said right from the first visit we're not doing kissing on the lips with DD, for us or anyone else.

Original poster

nightowlmostly · 05/10/2012 08:25

That's the thing, we hardly ever do it even! I just don't get why she thinks it's ok. She did it on the first ever visit I think, when he was just a few weeks old.

I know I'm supposed to be able to mention it, but we've not always had the easiest relationship, and I find it hard to assert myself.

OP posts:

hopenglory · 05/10/2012 08:28

Then the next few times you see her say "don't let DD kiss the baby. I think he might be coming down with something and we wouldn't want to give her any more bugs"

Original poster

nightowlmostly · 05/10/2012 08:28

But what do I do? It's happened a few times, so how do I stop it now? I know I'm a wimp, it's shit but there it is!

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Original poster

nightowlmostly · 05/10/2012 08:29

x post hope! That'd work, I need to get DH on board as well.

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bamboobutton · 05/10/2012 08:30

It won't make any difference where he is kissed, he can catch a cold just being in close proximity.

If you don't want your ds to get colds i suggest you keep him indoors all the time.

OiMissus · 05/10/2012 08:30

I think that sharing kisses is what all babies do. Mine is 9 months old and he practically snogs the face of his teddies, and me, for that matter. Relations kiss him, DH and I kiss him all the time (our pfb!), and he's learnt that from us. It's what young children do. It's also very lovely. It's nice that they grow up to be loving and affectionate, and nice to other kids, and that they aren't scared to go near, and aren't held at arms length.
It's normal for babies to have lots and lots of colds as they gradually build up their immunity, this has very little to do with being kissed, I would think. He needs to build up his immune system. Let him kiss and be kissed!

Original poster

nightowlmostly · 05/10/2012 08:33

Maybe you're right, oimissus, but I do balk at a snotty 18 month old kissing my DS.

bamboobutton, I could do without sarcasm, thanks very much.

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zippey · 05/10/2012 08:33

Id agree with hopenglory, say something like that, or that you think dd may have gotten a cold sore, that should put parents off their child kissing yours.

Can I just add though as an NB that I think children kissing each other isnt a bad thing! But you are the parent.

scarletforya · 05/10/2012 08:36

Just tell her no OP ! I don't even kiss my own baby on the lips , it's very unreasonable of her to expect you to let your baby be kissed on the lips. Germs and besides I think it's invasive to kiss a babies lips, that's what their little chubby cheeks are for!

Original poster

nightowlmostly · 05/10/2012 08:37

Maybe I'm BU then. I suppose they'll all be old enough to run around doing it without help soon anyway! I'd rather be U, as that means I don't have to deal with it really. My instinct just said no, because the baby was all snotty.

OP posts:

scarletforya · 05/10/2012 08:40

Yanbu, it's totally fine not to want others kissing your baby on the lips.

Pagwatch · 05/10/2012 08:40

You are being pretty PFB.
People kissing your baby are fine. Its nice actually. Imagine if you had a baby people didn't want to kiss.
But on the other hand people making babies kiss are a bit odd.

YABU

And fwiw if you post a complaint about people kissing babies on the Internet it is a little unreasonable to think you may not get a mixture of responses including sarcasm.

Original poster

nightowlmostly · 05/10/2012 08:42

I do still feel I'd rather she didn't do it. They're quite young babies still, the closest they get is when she puts them together to kiss. I'm aware that babies will get colds, I'm fine with that, I just think that this is an unnecessary contact with a baby who is at nursery picking up all sorts.

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Pagwatch · 05/10/2012 08:44

If you feel strongly about it then I would go with hopenglorys suggestion.

FredFredGeorge · 05/10/2012 08:45

I think sharing kisses is part of transferring "good bacteria" process that is necessary for humans to survive - and that it's pretty hard wired in humans as a survival mechanism. It's why everyone has the attraction to do it, from young babies to old grannies, it's more than social, it's required.

OiMissus · 05/10/2012 08:55

Nightowl I don't think you're being unreasonable, and the snotfest is truly balk-worthy. My pfb goes to nursery 2 days a week, and he's had a different cold almost every week. He is a snot monster. He forces his kisses on me (but thankfully not on other kids). I spend my once rather glamourous existence now with various streaks of green snot swipes.
hopenglory's suggestion was a good one. And may help you out for a while.
However, one day, your own snotfest will come!

TheManInTheMoon · 05/10/2012 08:56

YANBU!! This is one of my pet hates along with relatives sticking their fingers in DS's mouth to "feel for teethies". You just have to be strong and say something. TBH I think she should have more respect! There is no way in hell I would let my DS kiss anyone, let alone a baby, if he had a cold and snotty nose. Not only is it disgusting but it is spreading whatever he has, yeah babies may get colds and bugs while building up their immune system but why invite the trouble?

ledkr · 05/10/2012 08:58

My 19month old hardly ever gets I'll and is into everything and kisses everyone, catching lots of colds is more to do with the immune system than being kissed

Safmellow · 05/10/2012 09:08

DD is 18 months and kisses everyone too. She definitely caught colds from kisses when she was younger but I tried just to think of it as building up her immune system. The only time I said 'No!' was when someone approached her with a coldsore!

I had lots of colds when I was tiny and rarely get them now, I suspect I have had most strains :)

The tables have now turned and she gives bugs to them! Grandma and daddy both have hand, foot and mouth...

lakeofshiningwaters · 05/10/2012 09:18

You are being pfb but it's your baby. I think it's lovely that cousins are being encouraged to show love (especially boy cousins which some people cn be weird about). Just use one of the non-aggressive suggestions above with a smile, but don't be surprised if SIL thinks, as I do, that you're being a bit odd.

Some babies get everything going, some don't. Doesn't seem to matter whether they're in nursery, have siblings, go to lots of groups etc.

elizaregina · 05/10/2012 09:45

yanbu.

babies WILL PICK UP GERMS with or without people adding extra chances for them to get germs.

what got me with DD was STRANGERS anywhere out and about in LONDON, leaning in to touch her or kiss her.

I am sorry but with all sorts of nasty dieases on the rise again like TB and WC etc..i really dont want a bloody stranger leaning right into DD face to touch or talk to her!

I caught my dad swigging from our milk bottle the other day and I was horrified.

WHY invite trouble! there are ENOUGH colds going round.

RikersBeard · 05/10/2012 09:47

YABU on a number of fronts, and PFB, but I'm not judging you for it as I was exactly the same! :)

It won't be long before your DS is licking the trolley handle in Tesco, or you find him sucking the sole of your welly. A bit of toddler goo pales into insignificance. It also won't be long before that sticky toddler is your DS and wants to kiss other people. Are you planning on any more children? If so, you don't have a hope of keeping a snotty toddler from showing affection to a newborn sibling, and to stop them would be unkind.

When your DS gets a cold it is unfair to blame a particular other child. You have no idea where he got it - and iirc the incubation period is more than a couple of days so you are looking in the wrong direction there. Siting next to someone, touching a changing table in a cafe, a trolley seat are all just as likely.

That said, I do understand your feelings, but I would just shrug it off if I was you

MrsRhettButler · 05/10/2012 09:48

Noooo, eeeew to snotty kisses! Its not even germs I care about but all that slobber and snot is disgusting!

Original poster

nightowlmostly · 05/10/2012 11:13

I'm taking all points on board, and I'm now not sure if IABU!

The thing about trolley handles, surely the bacteria won't live on them for very long, whereas a mouth will be full of germs at all times? And chewing wellies and eating random stuff, I know that'll happen, but if you find your child doing that, you'd stop them wouldn't you? You wouldn't exactly encourage them to do these things, that's why I find it a bit odd that she's actively encouraging a baby with a cold to kiss my LO.

I'm really not anal about cleanliness, I don't mind little old ladies touching him and saying hello, I just find the specific lip kissing to be a step too far.

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