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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry I'm being a neglectful mother?

36 replies

MissJayTea · 04/10/2012 13:24

I recently separated from my husband and at the moment he is not able to see the dc so I am very much going it alone, especially as I have no family or friends who can help me out at all.

Dd1 is a teenager and attends a club 2 evenings a week. It doesn't finish until after 9pm which is way after my toddler dd2 needs to be asleep.
I
So I'm left with the problem of getting dd1 home but at the same time dd2 is in bed.

I toyed with the idea of letting 12yo ds baby sit bearing in mind dd2 would be asleep anyway. But ds was a little anxious about it. It would take about half and hour there and back.

So I have decided to take dd2 for a drive in the car when it is her bed time (7pm) knowing she will fall asleep in the car. I can then wait outside dd1's club until it finishes, drive home and then transfer dd2 to her bed.

I can't decide if this is a sensible solution or if I'm actually being a bit neglectful by letting dd2 spend the evening sleeping in the car.

OP posts:
ProudNeathGirl · 04/10/2012 13:26

I think that is a good solution. But I also think a 12 year old can be trusted to baby sit for 30 mins of an evening - particularly if there might be a friendly neighbour they can call on if things really do go pear shaped.

DameFanny · 04/10/2012 13:27

It doesn't sound neglectful but I think it might not be practical as the nights get colder.

Is there a neighbour you could ask to be around for ds if he has any scares? A second opinion if something seems off?

alienreflux · 04/10/2012 13:28

hmmm tricky, i would be tempted to do the ds 12 yo babysit thing, it's only half hour and she is asleep, but if he's really not up 4 it,(even after bribery?!!) there's not a lot else you can do. It certainly won't hurt her to spend a couple of hours kipping in the car, but it's going to get cold soon, and 2 nights a week every week might be a bit much, does no one else from where you live pick their kid up? people can be really helpful if you just ask. How are you anyway?

charlottehere · 04/10/2012 13:28

Not neglectful at all, car sounds the best solution.x

Original poster
MissJayTea · 04/10/2012 13:48

Nobody else from club comes anywhere near our area to drop dd1 off.

I might try talking to ds again about babysitting. Hes a real worrier though. I don't really know any of the neighbours as such but there are one or two who are parents too and I guess they would help ds if it was an emergency.

OP posts:
monkeysbignuts · 04/10/2012 15:09

poor you! I would be tempted to say the 12 year old sitting is the best option but out can't force it if not comfortable. Is there any friends at the club that could drop your dd home?

monkeysbignuts · 04/10/2012 15:10

sorry just seen your last reply!

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2012 15:12

Reassure the 12 yo that his worrying is what will make him a great babysitter, it's what makes people think about what they do. You sound like you are trying very hard to make things work.

NowThenNowThen · 04/10/2012 15:14

Christ. If you think you could be described as neglectful you have not encountered actual neglectful parents, have you ?
What you are doing is fine. If you could get someone to drop the teen home that would be even better, but if you can't, you do what you can. You have your hands full with 3 kids of very different ages.
My hat is off to you !

wherearemyGOLDsocks · 04/10/2012 15:17

Is it possible to arrange a taxi to bring your dd home?

maddening · 04/10/2012 15:20

Once it's cold the petrol to run the car for 2 hours might make a taxi more affordable

mamalovesmojitos · 04/10/2012 15:22

What NowThenNowThen said.

Numberlock · 04/10/2012 15:28

How old is the teenager you're picking up? Could he cycle home? (I presume it's not on a bus route.)

Will the 12 year old be OK being left for 2 hours twice a week if he's a worrier?

It definitely doesn't sound neglectful but through the winter it could get very cold waiting outside for 2 hours.

Coule the toddler be transferred to the car once asleep or would he/she just wake up?

ivykaty44 · 04/10/2012 15:29

It isn't easy having one at clubs and one in bed - been there and done that..

Taxi

Ask the club leader if they know of any parents that would share lifts - you pick up and take and they bring home

Neighbour on call for ds2 whilst you pick up - so ds2 feels more comfortable babysitting

monkeysbignuts · 04/10/2012 15:40

I don't think I would send my kid in a taxi but it is another option.
do you have no family around? I feel for you op, sounds like you have a lot on your plate and your doing very well managing xx

CailinDana · 04/10/2012 15:44

I would say the same as maddening - in the dead of winter you're going to have to run the heater in the car the whole time for your toddler and the cost is going to mount up. It might be more sensible to pay a friend to drop and collect, or arrange a regular taxi with someone you can trust (a lot of taxi drivers take long term regular work and will give you a good deal if it's weekly). Otherwise I think it's totally fine to leave a 12 year old with a toddler, as long as he can be persuaded that he'll be ok. If he's nervous I wouldn't force him though, it might cause him a lot of anxiety.

cestlavielife · 04/10/2012 15:53

is the 12 yr old going to be left at home anyway ? or 12 year old also coming in car?

if 21 year old happy to be home alone then he should be fine with sleeping toddler and mobile phone to hand . just persuade him to babysit ie let toddler be there, sleeping. it will be fine.

cestlavielife · 04/10/2012 15:53

sorry 12 year old !

slartybartfast · 04/10/2012 15:54

can you pay a teenager or neighbour to baby sit, perhaps that will change the 12 year olds mind. or reduce your teen to one club per week.

monkeysbignuts · 04/10/2012 15:55

Maybe offer a cash incentive? £2 would be cheaper than getting a taxi or petrol costs of running car and its a bit of gentle bribery :)

Leena49 · 04/10/2012 16:28

My eldest dd (12) nearly 13 minds my youngest (7) for brief periods whilst I pick DH up. She is very mature and sensible.
Kids can be very different so only you know. Trust your intuition.

catwomanlikesmeatballs · 04/10/2012 16:33

A 12 year old is old enough to babysit for half an hour! Unless it's a particularly immature or dimwitted one in which case you wouldn't have considered that an option in the first place.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 04/10/2012 16:40

Are you saying you are prepared to spend four hours a week sitting in the car outside a club for a teenager rather than sitting at home with your feet up and a glass of well earned wine. You are a better Mother than me for sure. I would definitely be looking at lift shares or a recommened taxi home. Could your ex DH pay for this taxi?

Original poster
MissJayTea · 04/10/2012 16:40

Don't feel like I'm doing a good job tbh, my head is spinning.

It's a very good point that ds being a worrier will make him a good baby sitter. I'm going to try it and see how it goes. He is very sensible and I do trust him. I just worry that I'm putting too much on him.

Thank you all for not flaming me. Thought I'd get told how neglectful I am.

OP posts:
slartybartfast · 04/10/2012 16:48

if you are optimistic about it i am sure your 12 year old will be, they can chill, watch tv enjoy the peace? how old is dd2 who has to be baby sat?

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