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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry I'm being a neglectful mother?

36 replies

MissJayTea · 04/10/2012 13:24

I recently separated from my husband and at the moment he is not able to see the dc so I am very much going it alone, especially as I have no family or friends who can help me out at all.

Dd1 is a teenager and attends a club 2 evenings a week. It doesn't finish until after 9pm which is way after my toddler dd2 needs to be asleep.
I
So I'm left with the problem of getting dd1 home but at the same time dd2 is in bed.

I toyed with the idea of letting 12yo ds baby sit bearing in mind dd2 would be asleep anyway. But ds was a little anxious about it. It would take about half and hour there and back.

So I have decided to take dd2 for a drive in the car when it is her bed time (7pm) knowing she will fall asleep in the car. I can then wait outside dd1's club until it finishes, drive home and then transfer dd2 to her bed.

I can't decide if this is a sensible solution or if I'm actually being a bit neglectful by letting dd2 spend the evening sleeping in the car.

OP posts:
Original poster
MissJayTea · 04/10/2012 16:52

She is 3 going on 17!

OP posts:
Kiwiinkits · 04/10/2012 23:35

MissJayTee, make a point of getting to know your neighbours. Really. You'll be surprised how kind people can be if they know you're in need of help. No harm at all at asking the people around you for help. You never know, they could become good friends.

[shakes head at how sad it is that neighbours aren't truly neighbours anymore]

santaisNOTathreat · 04/10/2012 23:40

can you afford a taxi or can she walk home with a friend and then take friend home leaving dc1 to babysit.

you are making the best of the situation you are in. you sound like a good mum spending hours in a car to make sure your DC1 is safe is not neglectful

HissyByName · 04/10/2012 23:46

MissJayTee, your Ex wasn't very nice was he? IIRC?

You will be feeling wobbly after all you have been through, you are doing a GREAT job! Your DC will be fine, your DS will be OK, you can programme your mobile number into the phone and he can call you if he's worried while you are out.'
You re not being neglectful, it will get easier.

Ozziegirly · 05/10/2012 06:08

I would run through the things your DS is concerned about - the 3yo waking and him not knowing what to do, the house catching fire, someone breaking in, hearing a "funny noise", power cut etc and then how he would deal with these.

It'll probably be great for his confidence.

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 05/10/2012 09:58

How old is your DD1? That would make the difference to me in terms of how I would deal with this difficulty.

If she is just 13 in Y8/Y9, only a little older than your DS, then I would pick up with little one in the car.

If she is 15 and in Y10/11, then I would probably arrange a taxi.

I WOULD NOT make a 12yo that is uncomfortable with the idea babysit a 3yo. If they were happy with that then yes, but if worried then no.

I know how hard it is to be a Lone Parent with DC's of varied ages - my 4 DC's are 14, 10, almost 9, and 20mo.

Sometimes in this situation, you have to make parenting decisions that you just would not have made were you still in a relationship where you can 'divide and conquer' with things like this.

I think the answer to your problem hinges on how old your DD1 is, tbh.

Flisspaps · 05/10/2012 10:02

monkey out of interest why would you not let your child come home by taxi?

The driver has to be licensed and will have had an enhanced CRB check, the same as the club leader, childminders and teachers!

CouthyMowWearingOrange · 05/10/2012 10:07

And no, you're NOT being a neglectful mother. Just wanted to reassure you of that.

You are trying to ensure continuity for your DC's by helping them to continue to attend their usual activities. That's not neglectful, that's good parenting!

Your Ex did a number on you, didn't he? You need to trust your own parenting decisions more, and ignore whatever your ex says.

Whatever you decide, know that you are making the best decision for your FAMILY, which is good parenting.

Ithinkitsjustme · 05/10/2012 10:12

Doesn't sound like you are being neglectful to me, I would do whatever feels right to you. I would leave my 12 year old with a younger sibling in bed without a second thought, but then my 12 year old is comfortable with that. I have also dragged younger children round at all hours to suit older childrens activities, and now my 11 and 13 year old regularly cycle home at night with helmets and lights on their bikes. Don't beat yourself up, you are doing great.

secretlyahippy · 05/10/2012 10:19

You sound very sensible. I would work on the 12 year old to babysit but I can understant if he is nervous if you have just recently split with your ex. Maybe you could do the toddler in car thing for a few weeks until he gets more confident?

Definately get to know your neighbours, catch their eye and introduce yourself or knock on their door to give a quick hello and introduction. You'll be surprised at how supportive neighbours can be. Mine are looking after my 3 year old this evening while I take the oldest and the baby to a birthday party. We've often sat in their house when their youngest is asleep so mum can pop out to get the older child.

I don't know your history but well done for being brave and taking the decision to parent on your own.

secretlyahippy · 05/10/2012 10:21

Obviously get to know your neighbours first before asking for help but get the ball rolling by getting to know them Smile

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