Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dh drinks after work with woman

39 replies

rabbitsnap · 28/09/2012 23:38

Two or three years go dh told me he had fancied this woman previously. Since then she has been moved to another department in their large company. They have stayed friends, though he insists they just have the occaisonal coffee. However, a year ago he directly lied about having dinner with her(he said he'd been with a male friend), only admitting it later accidently. This evening he came home late from work, and had obviously been drinking. He was evasive about who he was with, but I assumed it was his usual group of male friends. Later, when I asked directly asked who'd been there, he said he had 'shared a bottle' with this woman. I made a sarcastic comment, and he said I was irrational. She is single. AIBU to feel he shouldn't be going out drinking with a woman he used to fancy, rather than coming home to me and our baby?

OP posts:
OrangeImperialGoldBlether · 28/09/2012 23:39

I'm on your side there and he's a fool if he can't see your point of view.

Try to nip this in the bud, OP. If he can't see what you mean, distance yourself pretty rapidly.

somedayma · 28/09/2012 23:40

I was ready to say YABU get a grip going by the thread title but...yanbu

MsVestibule · 28/09/2012 23:42

YANBU. I would still be unhappy if my DH went for a drink with a woman after work, whether or not he'd previously fancied her.

lovebunny · 28/09/2012 23:42

there isn't really a good reason for a married/partnered man to go out drinking with a woman. he should have been at home.

Original poster
rabbitsnap · 28/09/2012 23:43

Thank you. It is good to get another perspective. Though I'm sure someone will soon be along to tell me to get a grip.

OP posts:
SomersetONeil · 28/09/2012 23:46

If he doesn't get why this is inappropriate, then I fear you'll have a hard time explaining it to him.

He's an arse, and he doesn't want to get it, since getting it would mean he'd have to stop, and he clearly doesn't want to.

All the reverse situation explaining, 'how would he like it if you were doing this with a bloke you used to fancy' won't make a blind bit of difference, since he'll just say he wouldn't mind. Even though he bloody well would if it was actally happening.

SomersetONeil · 28/09/2012 23:47

I say this as somone who is a vehement supporter of male-female friendships, as well.

ceeveebee · 28/09/2012 23:47

YANBU

lovebunny that is an odd viewpoint. I am married, so are most of my male colleagues, and we often go for a drink after work either as a group or one-on-one. Nothing wrong with that. It's only because the OP's DH has admitted to previously fancying this woman that I think he is beibg unreasonable here.

squeakytoy · 28/09/2012 23:47

"there isn't really a good reason for a married/partnered man to go out drinking with a woman. he should have been at home"

I would say it depends on the relationship. IF they are just mates, then it shouldnt be a problem, but if he has admitted to fancying her, then no, it isnt right.

I am married and go out drinking with male friends, but that is all they are, just mates. They are also part of the social group that I share with my husband, and equally if he was to go out drinking with one of our female friends, I would have no problem with that either, but if I knew he was with someone he fancied that would be different, and the same would apply to me too.

So it may depend on how long ago he fancied her, was it before he met and married the OP?

Mayisout · 28/09/2012 23:48

And meanwhile you were doing what ---- out on the piss with old college mates (of both sexes)? joining a birthday party of some old colleagues?
No?
Well, if you were sat at home alone it was totally out of order. He should have been out having a drink with you. So this is not on.

TodaysAGoodDay · 28/09/2012 23:51

I hate to be the one to say this, but are you sure it's just been a bottle of wine?

Original poster
rabbitsnap · 28/09/2012 23:53

Squeaky toy: it was before we had met. What has bothered me is that he has been evasive and actually lied previously about seeing her.
Mayisout: I was at home with our one year old.

OP posts:
Original poster
rabbitsnap · 28/09/2012 23:57

Today: Fairly certain. I don't think he would actually cheat, and that is how he justifies seeing her to himself. I hope not anyway.

OP posts:
Backtobedlam · 29/09/2012 00:00

I would say by calling you irrational he's trying to divert the attention of himself-my dp has done this when pulled up on things and it's really not nice. If it upsets you or you are uncomfortable about it he should be trying to reassure you, not twist it around. YANBU to feel he shouldn't be out drinking with this woman whilst you are sitting at home caring for your baby.

squeakytoy · 29/09/2012 00:00

He shouldnt have lied, I agree, but if he was upfront, would you give him grief about it or tell him he couldnt go?

DebbieTitsMcGee · 29/09/2012 00:02

YANBU, why did he lie?

My DP has female friends at work, and sometimes he goes for lunch/coffees with them and occasionally drinks after work, sometimes in a small group but sometimes just him and one friend. He doesn't lie about it.

I'm a bit baffled as to what he meant by telling you he fancied her. I fancy Jason Isaacs and the UPS driver who comes to my work but I haven't bothered telling my DP because it's irrelevant to real life. I'm sure DP has had the odd crush on Susan in Accounts but he's not bothered to tell me for the same reasons.

MrsBodger · 29/09/2012 00:04

Perhaps you should suggest socialising with her as a couple? Have her round for dinner? If it's really just a friendship between them, he should be happy to include you.

ProPerformer · 29/09/2012 00:07

Ok personally I think YABU to say they can't go for a drink together as I would honestly have no problem with this if it was my DH! I fancy a couple of my best mates (male and female) and DH knows this and yet I still go out with them one to one, same with my DH and someone he thinks is 'hot' - we trust each other so I don't see the problem. Your DH admits he fancies/fancied this woman once not that he would actually do anything so I don't see the problem personally.

However I do think not telling you outright that he went with her is a bit suspicious and therefore I think you are totally NBU to be a bit Hmm over this. If he was honest about seeing her socially I would say no problem but as he is being a bit evasive, or indeed even if he wasn't and knows you are uncomfortable with it then YANBU to ask him not to do it again. Depends how much you trust him tbh.

So IMHO YABABU but certainly not entirely and YWNBU to ask him not to do it again if you dont like it and expect him to adhere to that.

I hope that makes sense!

RosemaryHoyt · 29/09/2012 00:08

When I was married, I had friends (male) who I would go out with and it was absolutely no different than going out with a female friend. There was one friend who I went out with for lunch for years, even though nothing happened, it was definitely not ok. So depends on the friendship, this one sounds loaded.

Pandemoniaa · 29/09/2012 00:22

I wouldn't be very worried about my dp going for drinks with colleagues of the opposite sex I wouldn't expect him to make a fuss about me doing similarly.

Alarm bells would be ringing if I discovered he was lying about who he was with though. Because lying suggests there is something to hide.

fourfingerkitkat · 29/09/2012 00:41

Awww shite...can't think of anything else to say other than look out for number one and your wee baby, You are definitely not being unreasonable. x

Bellakins · 29/09/2012 08:47

YANBU ... I am normally in favour of male/female friendships but there is something about this that is totally inappropriate.

I hope I'm wrong but it sounds to me like your DH could be at the beginnings of an affair, whether emotional or sexual and he needs to wake up to this and focus on you and your baby before he does something that fucks it all up. Good luck OP. Why not show him this thread to shame him into taking a much needed step back from this woman.

Dahlen · 29/09/2012 08:51

I was going to say YABU. Normally objecting to a partner going out with a colleague of the opposite sex smacks of insecurity, ugly jealousy issues and bunny boiling tendencies, but in this particular case YANBU. He has history with her and has openly admitted he fancies her (although I suppose it's good he's being above board about it). I'm not sure what I would do about it as you can't forbid another adult from doing anything, but I would NOT be happy in your situation.

sittinginthesun · 29/09/2012 09:01

My DH has done this, although I have to point put that I do trust him completely (you've never met a man who wore his heart on his sleeve as much as my DH, so the workings of his mind are practically transparent!)

In this case, he had a female work colleague, he was "intrigued" by her. He went out with her for drinks. He told me (as I say, he can't keep his mouth shutWink).

I got a feeling it wasn't right. Pointed put that there is a line, and that this "friendship" was crossing it. He disagreed, but backed off a bit.

Two months later, she got together with another male, MARRIED work colleague, and he left his wife and children and set up home together!

DH is still friendly with her, but they don't go out much now, as new boyfriend doesn't like it.Wink

Not saying she was a scheming man eater, but I just felt that she was respecting boundaries (like pursuing married men).

Tell your DH you trust him, but he must never lie, that he has stepped across a line here, and you want him to back off.

PeshwariNaan · 29/09/2012 09:16

If he's already been lying about her, what's he hiding? Very suspect.

I agree, I've got no problem with DH or I seeing platonic coworkers/ friends of the opposite sex. But fancying them, then lying several times? YANBU.