dh drinks after work with woman

[rabbitsnap]

Two or three years go dh told me he had fancied this woman previously. Since then she has been moved to another department in their large company. They have stayed friends, though he insists they just have the occaisonal coffee. However, a year ago he directly lied about having dinner with her(he said he'd been with a male friend), only admitting it later accidently. This evening he came home late from work, and had obviously been drinking. He was evasive about who he was with, but I assumed it was his usual group of male friends. Later, when I asked directly asked who'd been there, he said he had 'shared a bottle' with this woman. I made a sarcastic comment, and he said I was irrational. She is single. AIBU to feel he shouldn't be going out drinking with a woman he used to fancy, rather than coming home to me and our baby?

I'd snoop.

Check phone, email accounts. Ask to borrow his phone, take him by surprise. See his reaction. There are several ways to receive his emails or sync your iphones if you have them. Ask on Relationship board!

YANBU - men and women are not the same, and don't see the things the same. There was some research that showed that men only invested in friendships with women, who they found sexually attractive.

Obviously that study is somewhat flawed, and I too have had male friends who never seemed interested, but when I was single, a lot of attached men made passes at me... quite a few of them were married to various friends of mine.

I don't know how things will pan out with DH & I, but I do know that if he was to make a female friend, and ever wanted to go for a drink - or anywhere alone - with her, I would automatically take it as they were going on a date. He had a female friend in the past, one he'd previously slept with - and my intuition was spot on - she still wanted him, and he couldn't bloody see it.

Old female friends - fine, but new ones, that are not a mutual friend, no - I would hate it.

I respect others have different views, and each relationship is different & has different boundaries.

But given the fact that he previously fancied her, I would take him going for a drink with her, as him going on a date. Anything less than not speaking to her again (except in a professional capacity) I wouldn't allow.

I also wouldn't invite her over either OP, I don't agree that you should try to befriend her. The problem (as I see it) is if he fancied her, then he still might have the flames smouldering. The more time he spends with her - including at your house with you present - the more he bonds with her, the more likely he might fall for her. She may not reciprocate, but instead of getting the hots for someone else, he should be investing in you.

I'm all for men and women being friends, even after gasp getting married, but in this case it seems inappropriate and sneaky.

I was out last night till 1am with a bloke I work with, we had dinner and lots of drinks. Had a fab time, mostly discussing our respective spouses! So I don't think there is anything in the slightest wrong with male/female friendships and could never be with someone who didn't 'allow' me to have them.

However, your DH is a different kettle of fish. He has admitted he fancied this woman. You are understandably concerned about him being alone and pissed with her. He seems not to be taking your concerns on board. On that point you are definitely NBU.

It's not the drinking, it's the lying. He's lying because he feels guilty. He feels guilty because he knows his feelings are inappropriate.

Time for a yank on his chain OP.

Yanbu, I would go do-lally about that!!

Yanbu. I've been out for one on one drinks with male colleagues and it's been fine, dh knew all about it, but there is a man I fancy lots a bit who I work with, and I'm careful to keep it purely and strictly professional. Your dh has crossed a line, he knows it, hence the deception.

Yanbu. I have loads of friendships with male and female colleagues and go out for drinks occasionally as does my DH. If he is lying or even not telling you the full truth then there is more than meets the eye.

There is a woman at my DH's work who is single and texts him all the time. I know he isn't interested in her so whilst I don't really care that much I think it is pretty obvious that this woman fancies him. I have fancied colleagues before and I know when to draw the line between acceptable and not acceptable. Texting for advice at 11pm is not appropriate.

I agree with others. It's not the going out for drinks or dinners, its the fact he tried to hide these meetings from you. Even if he truely believes he is doing that to 'not upset you' (s common excuse) it crosses the boundary, making his behaviour unacceptable. Imvho.

Hi everyone, thanks so much for all your opinions. We had a long discussion this morning, in which he conceded that the way I felt was valid. He says he didn't tell me he had seen her immediately because he knew I would be upset, and agreed rightly so given the history. He has agreed that he will not meet up with this woman again on their own after work. He is mortified that I even suggested the possibility of an affair/future affair, and I do trust him on this.
Thanks again for your advise.

YANBU

OP, you're free to organise your marriage however you want. It's a negotiated commitment between you and your DH. He doesn't have the right to tell you you're being irrational without being willing to discuss it. Likewise, nobody here has the right to tell you you're being jealous/insecure/bunny boiling. Having said that, I'm now going to give you my very strong opinion, which you are obviously free to ignore...

I thought that marriage means giving up exclusive relationships with people of the opposite sex! Surely there's little enough energy and time left over at the end of a working day to honour and cherish each other? Without disagreeing that we all need space from our DPs regardless of how beloved they are, I really don't think it's...well... cricket to enjoy that space with people of the opposite sex. Yes, it seems pedantic at times and there's a little bit of loss involved because sometimes exclusivity would be interesting and fun. But it's a small price to pay and I always knew that marriage would involve the odd sacrifice... But it's nothing to do with trust or fear - just good manners and cautiousness, really. There's a world of difference between (1) my DH graciously putting DD to bed, thereby setting me free to carry on shouting about discussing politics with a guest, and (2) me coming in late, sparkly eyed and exhausted, to a partner who knows he/she wasn't invited to be part of it. Despite the excitement of (1), I would actually rather have (2) because I find it more interesting in the long run to have friends who are part of my real life. I don't want them all suddenly materialising at my 40th birthday and having to introduce them to my DH one by one!

Would rather have (1) than (2), sorry.

MrsBodger

Good idea. Have the female friend round and see what her body language is like, how she looks at your DH etc. May I come to watch, please? and have dinner

OP, you are not being unreasonable at all. If there's nothing to hide, he shouldn't be lying.

However, I couldn't disagree more with the two or three posters who have said that married men shouldn't have drinks with their female friends.