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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To use gifts as I chose?

34 replies

Fizzyduck · 27/09/2012 08:07

When we got married many moons ago we received a lovely cutlery set, nothing too fancy, but I really liked it. Anyway we decided to use it for every day use, which we have, and its still going strong now. I have recently found out that the people who gave it to us are really upset that we use it for every day and think we should keep it in the box and bring it out for special occasions.
Dh's comment is that 'oh they're from that generation'. My view is that if we left it for special we'd use it once a year at Christmas, which I see as a waste.
Are we being unreasonable to you a gift as we see fit?

OP posts:

LFCisTarkaDahl · 27/09/2012 08:13

yanbu, they are precious twats. I deliberately try and use all my best stuff, from face creams to plates - I could be dead before I used it, how crap would that be?

MyLastDuchess · 27/09/2012 08:13

YANBU. Some people would be upset if you hardly ever used something they gave you. When you give a gift you have no say in how/when/whether the recipient will use it or even keep it!

missnevermind · 27/09/2012 08:13

I would be really pleased.
I make a point of saying its to be used not put away or saved for best when I give a gift.

I would be happy that I had made a good choice for you.

cozietoesie · 27/09/2012 08:15

Absolutely YANBU. I use china and cutlery (and other things) every day because I enjoy them rather than keeping them stored away. There may be some truth in what your DH says, though. I remember clearing out my Gran's house when she died and finding heaps of stuff still wrapped as new in cupboards - while she was darning things and turning sheets for day to day living. So very, very sad.

If you think they might be hurt, are you in the habit of writing to the gift givers or sending them Christmas Cards etc? If so, why not include a sentence about the cutlery and about how you thought you'd just say that you like it so much that you couldn't bear not to use it. (Just so that they don't think you regard it as commonplace and are just using it for lack of anything else.)

whois · 27/09/2012 08:17

YANBU

weegiemum · 27/09/2012 08:18

Yanbu! I use wedding pots/bowls/plates/cutlery every day. They're all going strong after 18 years. Shows what a good present they are!!!

Secondsop · 27/09/2012 08:18

I would be delighted if a gift I gave someone was used everyday and not saved "for best"! you are not being unreasonable.

Pastabee · 27/09/2012 08:20

YANBU. I use my Denby wedding china everyday. It's still going strong.

The world has changed. If you did damage any of your cutlery or if I broke a plate you'll be able to find a replacement somewhere on the Internet. The risk of using it everyday is so much lower now.

nokidshere · 27/09/2012 08:21

When my MIL moved house I found lots of unused wedding gifts in the cupboard being saved for "best". She got married almost 60 years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What a waste!

Original poster

Fizzyduck · 27/09/2012 08:23

Thanks, I didn't think I was BU, and I too would love it if people use what I give them. It really is a lovely set, not to OTT and suits my taste. I have told them how much I like it, and they use when they come to visit.
Thanks for making me feel like not a bad person.

OP posts:

sookiesookie · 27/09/2012 08:24

Yabbu but neither are they.
Some people have occasional use crockery. They intended that you would use this cutlery as such. I think the fact that you use it as everyday, to them, says its not special. When intact you are saying opposite.
Its just a miscommunication thing and a different expectation thing.

Original poster

Fizzyduck · 27/09/2012 08:27

Sookie good point, and I really don't want them to think its not special, it is and I get to use it every day.

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 27/09/2012 08:28

YANBU, they are.

It belongs to you, you use it how you want to use it. It is extremely rude for someone to make it known that they are upset about how you use their gift, and it's wierd that they are upset in the first place!

cozietoesie · 27/09/2012 08:29

Well next time they come round, Fizzy, just be sure to make mention of the cutlery while you're at table. Just say how much you love it and so on. It might mean a lot to them.

CarpeJugulum · 27/09/2012 08:31

When we got married, we were given lots of glasses, plates and cutlery "for good". The reality is, that in our modern house, with little storage, the plates are in a box under the stairs and only ever see the light of day at Christmas - or meals planned well in advance. They are also far too large for the dishwasher.

The glasses sit in a purpose bought cabinet and are almost never used, because they are too tall for the dishwasher. The unit is in the dining room, and as we generally eat off our laps in the living room in the kitchen, we don't even see the glasses.

I really wish I'd stood up to my DM and told her to back off about wedding lists and what we "needed" - I'd much rather have got a cheaper 8 piece using set and nicer, smaller glasses that aren't crystal and I'm not terrified to use

Dolallytats · 27/09/2012 08:31

I always think it is a shame to save beautiful things 'for best'. It is nice to use them as often as possible just in case something happens and you never get the chance!! Wear your best perfume every day and those lovely shoes and expensive coat and the cutlery & crockery and enjoy every second!!

(For the record, I don't have lovely shoes or expensive anything, but if I did I would use them all on a daily basis!!)

TiggerWearsATriteSmile · 27/09/2012 08:34

I love getting gifts like that, the ones that can be battered and used and still look as good as they did when given.
There is a bit if 'keep it for best' in the older generation.

Good on you for using it, I hate stuff gathering dust.
I don't know how you can express your thoughts on the gift being used because it is good though not to spite the fact?!

cozietoesie · 27/09/2012 08:36

Well we live in a household of 'mismatches'. Some items, I only ever had 2 or 3 of and some things sadly get broken. No matter. I enjoyed them while I used them. There's only one item which is never used - because it's seriously antique and a longstanding family piece and I would have a conniption if part of it was broken on my watch.

Everything else is up for use - and I make a point of saying to people if asked - 'Oh Yes - that was given to us by ...... and it came from ....' No-one has ever fed back that they were disappointed, possibly because I make it clear that I'm using them because I like them.

THETrills · 27/09/2012 08:38

YANBU

IloveJudgeJudy · 27/09/2012 11:43

Carpe, just use the stuff. I worked with someone who had all their wedding stuff in a cabinet just to look at. What a waste imo. We use our wedding stuff as much as poss. We have got cutlery that we don't use as much, but that's because it's only a 6-person set and we are already a 5-person family, so there isn't enough of it and I don't like to have stuff not matching so we use 3 sets of Ikea cutlery every day.

DeWe · 27/09/2012 11:51

YANBU. We got a lovely cutlery set we use every day. Every time we use it I open it and still feel as thrilled as I did when we first saw it (it really is amazing!). And that's after 14 years!
We at present don't use our best china though. We said we'd start using it when the dc are old enough, and that's getting close. But at present it's still packed away as we had to clear the sideboard about 6 months ago for new carpets to be put down in the room.

My dp got a "best cutlery set". I think it lives under the sideboard. Can't remember the last time it came out. I remember once using it when I was about 6-7 when dm decided we'd have a special dinner. I don't think it's been used since then. Bit sad really.

Lueji · 27/09/2012 11:55

Is it silver, or even gold?

WilsonFrickett · 27/09/2012 11:56

My DM always says 'Use your best today, you might be dead tomorrow' and she's so right which is unusual. I do think 'best crockery' is a generational thing, but as a PP mentioned, who has the space to store endless stuff you don't use?

When we got married we put 'everyday' stuff on the list, some of it is still going strong, some of it has had to be replaced, but it set us up with good quality things we used and loved every day. I think that's A Good Thing.

Wish I'd asked for more sheets though. We really go through sheets in this house

TheSmallClanger · 27/09/2012 11:59

YANBU. I have hoarding tendencies, and one of the most helpful things I've started doing is not keeping things "for best". It's a "healthier" way of doing things than having cupboardfuls of stuff you don't use.

Cutlery is there to be eaten with.

Ephiny · 27/09/2012 12:04

YANBU.

You can't win with this sort of thing anyway, if you did keep it for 'best' some people might be offended or think you don't like it because you never use it!

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