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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she should tell all to DH??

39 replies

Flumpyflumps · 22/09/2012 09:02

A girl in my office had first night out after birth of her DD. evening of massively overdoing the wine ensued followed be drunkenly snogging a personal trainer in reflex. She's dying with guilt and I think the only way to help is to confess but would it cause more problems than its worth?? MN point of view needed!!

OP posts:
carabos · 22/09/2012 09:03

No.

HazleNutt · 22/09/2012 09:05

No. Her mistake. It's not fair to unload her guilt and make her DH suffer instead.

frootshoots · 22/09/2012 09:06

I'll probably get shot down for this but I'd keep quiet. It'll do more harm than good being out in the open, might ease her guilt but it could destroy her partner.

She was probably overwhelmed with a sense of needing to be free after spending 9 month a pregnant and then being 'mum', and as you said, overdid things.

As long as she has no plans for a repeat performance then tell her to keep quiet and think of her guilt as punishment for being an idiot.

flyoverthegoldenhill · 22/09/2012 09:08

flumpy
do not tell your DH, to ease your guilt,
just get over yourself. If you did he may never trust you again.
Marriage over. Is that what you want ?
After all it was only a snog

flyoverthegoldenhill · 22/09/2012 09:09

andno I didn't misread it !

Original poster
Flumpyflumps · 22/09/2012 09:10

Gotcha. Mouth shut as is hers I think.

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 22/09/2012 09:12

Wink at flyoverthegoldenhill

If it was 'only' a snog (still shitty) then nah, put it down to experience. Don't do it again!!

Original poster
Flumpyflumps · 22/09/2012 09:12

Sorry think I've mid typed, meant to say AIBU to THINK she should tell dh, not AIBU to actually tell him

OP posts:
Noqontrol · 22/09/2012 09:16

No

BrainzYum · 22/09/2012 09:17

Assuming this is about your friend and not about you, OP, I would say to stay out of it. Offer her a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on but DO NOT tell her what to do. She is the only one who can decide whether to tell her DH and if you give advice and it all goes tits up later, you will end up being the one who gets the blame

LydiasMiletus · 22/09/2012 10:22

OP yanbu to THINK she should come clean.
Its your opinion.
She really needs to thing about the roles being reversed. How would she feel if in 6 months she found out her dh had snogged someone else. Would she have preferred to have told or not.
At the end of the day if she would want to know, its not fair to keep it from him.

puds11 · 22/09/2012 10:25

Don't tell.

XiCi · 22/09/2012 10:36

Can't imagine that anyone in their right minds would advise someone to confess in this situation. It sounds like a stupid mistake, a drunken snog that went no further. How would it help her to confess? It would just make 2 people miserable instead of one. I don't think you would be much of a friend to encourage her to confess, and if her marriage ended over this one indiscretion you would probably get the blame for your crap advice

FatFaced · 22/09/2012 10:37

No she should definitely NOT tell her DH!

XiCi · 22/09/2012 10:39

Also, if this is just a girl in your office, not a good friend, why get so involved in her life. She sounds like she's mortified, just let the poor woman forget about the whole disastrous night would be my advice fwiw

Original poster
Flumpyflumps · 22/09/2012 10:53

She came into work, we all said 'how was it, did you h fun etc' she says nothing then blurts it out to me while I'm making a cup of tea where no one else can hear. Anyway I said I really wasn't sure what to do and she should perhaps speak to a closer friend.
Thanks MN it would indeed be monumentally daft to say another word on the subject and my mouth is firmly shut.

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 22/09/2012 12:16

If she had any respect for him she would.
The "it would be unfair on him/she'd only be unloading her guilt/her punishment is to bear this secret" etc. stuff is just martyr crap which people say because they want to justify lying and not facing up to their own actions.

Fosgoldlady · 22/09/2012 12:53

Would she want to know that DH had snogged someone on his 1st night out after the baby was born, despite (I assume) being a great dad? Thought not...... She needed to feel better about herself, that baby body was still great body not just in her dh's eyes, drink gave her false confidence, he did, end of.

BlackDahlia11 · 22/09/2012 13:23

I'm surprised at the amount of responses saying she shouldn't tell her DH. For me, a marriage is a built on trust and honesty. If it were me, I would come clean and if DH ever did something like that I know he would too. I think our marriage is a little different from others as we believe in 100% honesty. Know every single thing about each other. I just think her DH has a right to know that he's been cheated on. It's a slippery slope if you start lying, even small lies.

AmberLeaf · 22/09/2012 13:26

Say nothing and never do it again.

It was probably a total lack of judgement and never to be repeated, but telling could literally end their marriage.

FourEyesGold · 22/09/2012 13:29

I think when it's something inconsequential and a one-off, which will affect no-one, it's better not to tell. What's the DH supposed to do with the information? Maybe it's dishonest not to tell, but unless it's absolutely killing her to keep it from him, she shouldn't tell.

KillerRack · 22/09/2012 13:32

Does she have a history or is it a one off?

LydiasMiletus · 22/09/2012 13:39

I wonder what the responses would be if the ops friends posted '6 months ago, dh went out. It was his first night out after dc was born. He snogged a woman. He says he didn't tell me to 'save my feelings' and that telling me would have be cruel. He says its was a one off and that I shouldn't be bothered by it as he was letting off steam and went to far and was drunk. I feel hurt by what he did and the fact he has lied to me for 6 months.
Is being drunk and letting off a steam an excuse to cheat? Should I believe he was hiding it for my sake?'
I think mn would be calling for his blood, in general.

BlackDahlia11 · 22/09/2012 13:41

Was thinking the exact same thing Lydia

Alcohol isn't an excuse for cheating. But apparently it is in this case. I wouldn't be surprised if the she did it again.

QueenofJacksDreams · 22/09/2012 13:48

I agree with BlackDahlia11 imagine if you found out your DH had done this to you and instead of telling you and admitting to a stupid mistake he kept quiet? You'd feel betrayed and rightly so.