To think she should tell all to DH??

[Flumpyflumps]

A girl in my office had first night out after birth of her DD. evening of massively overdoing the wine ensued followed be drunkenly snogging a personal trainer in reflex. She's dying with guilt and I think the only way to help is to confess but would it cause more problems than its worth?? MN point of view needed!!

Yup. And these things have a way of coming out eventually. In this case she might get drunk and emotional and blurt it out.

I think she should tell him.
It's not about making herself feel better by offloading guilt, it's about being open and honest with her partner as I imagine she would want him to be with her.
And it's about accepting/taking the consequences of her mistakes - which as an adult, she needs to do.
This means she has to have a serious think about her personal boundaries too - pissed or not.
It's fairly likely she could have been seen. If he found out from someone other than her, it could be a whole lot worse.

Keep quiet.

Unless he might find out from other quarters.

And sorry but 'in Reflex' made me :)

what LydiasMiletus said,

OP yanbu to THINK she should come clean.
Its your opinion.
She really needs to thing about the roles being reversed. How would she feel if in 6 months she found out her dh had snogged someone else. Would she have preferred to have told or not.
At the end of the day if she would want to know, its not fair to keep it from him.

to not tell is a further betrayal, these things have a funny way of coming out, if more than one person knows chances are he will be told, far better coming from her.

If she is genuinely dying with guilt she shouldn't tell him. Personally I would be considering finding out what the underlying issue is if I snogged someone when drunk. Things don't just happen, no matter how pissed.

I am torn.

Having been cheated on I can hardly say "dont tell him" when not knowing that something was up, drove me crackers.

But, my H cheated over a long period of time, it wasnt a momentary madness brought on by drink and being overwhelmed.

If she is 100% certain that she has learnt her lesson then I dont think she should tell him what happened, but she should explore why she did it and if there is anything wrong in her marriage or in herself that led her to do it. Perhaps she feels her DH doesnt find her attractive since she had the baby, perhaps SHE doesnt thinks she is attractive since she had the baby. Then she should talk to him about those issues, if there are any.

"I think mn would be calling for his blood, in general. "

but but but he was just blowing off steam and needed an ego boost so he should just out it down to experience.

x-post with DomeDon who was far more succinct!

I disagree, Lydia. I've seen that exact thread on MN more than once. The consensus is usually that an unwise one-off isn't a dealbreaker ... unless it is to the OP. Posters are pretty good at supporting her to work out her own feelings, deciding how many facts she wants from her partner, establishing whether it really was a single aberration and moving forward.

It turns a marriage inside out and, provided the snogger can live with the guilt, is probably best kept to herself ... at least for now. She ought to make amends, even if DH doesn't know what she's amending!

If OP had said 'she says it's no big deal, just blowing off steam since having a baby' then most would be tearing a strip off. That's not the case here - she feels terrible guilt - that is burden enough. Everyone makes mistakes. I have never kissed anyone whilst married but I have made mistakes. Noone is perfect. I would say same male/female.

Feel sorry for her DH. They have just had a new baby, and she has gone and cheated on him and is lying to him now by not telling him. Not a marriage I would want to be in. Yes we all make mistakes but it's the way we deal with them that matters. If they have a strong marriage then surely he is most likely to forgive a one off?

Yes MN would be calling for his blood. But that's because a lot of Mnetters are often bordering on sexist. Women are allowed ro be overwhelmed and to make mistakes. Men are not. Apparently.

I am afraid I have to agree fatfaced.
I completely disagree with garlic. I have seen the exact opposite.

"Not a marriage I would want to be in."

agreed. Which is exactly why I'd feel the husband is entitled to make a decision for himself as to whether or not he wants to be with someone who lies and cheats on him. And if the wife had any respect for him as a person she'd face the consequences of her actions treat him like an adult rather than unilaterally deciding what is best for him.