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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have expected someone to acknowlede how difficult this was.

29 replies

oxford1972 · 11/09/2012 10:58

So I lost my mum 3 months ago. At the weekend dh and sil organised a suprise 60th Birthday party for mil. Obviouly I wasn't looking forward to it but put on a brave face for dc.
However, not once did anyone say " I appreciate how difficult this must be" or even really ask how am I coping. I suppose they didn't want to upset me but I still feel disappointed.
AIBU

OP posts:
Numberlock · 11/09/2012 11:00

Difficult to say, obviously you're not being unreasonable to have found it difficult but I think a lot of people find it hard to talk about feelings, especially with regards to bereavement, so believe that saying nothing is the best option. As you say, they probably felt they didn't want to upset you by mentioning it.

Did you acknowledge to your husband how you feel and what was his reaction?

Numberlock · 11/09/2012 11:01

Just to add on, I'm often surprised at situations where people return to work after a major bereavement and no-one even mentions it.

Stiff upper lip?

Paiviaso · 11/09/2012 11:04

YABU. People feel awkward talking about these things. They also wont automatically know how you are feeling and wont want to risk upset by mentioning it.

FunkyMonkey1983 · 11/09/2012 11:08

In general, I find that that people find it difficult to know what to say to someone that is bereaved. I lost my mum when I was 18 and realised that those that felt uncomfortable about discussing would say nothing. Some people would even avoid me completely than say anything at all.

SomethingSuitablyWitty · 11/09/2012 11:09

So sorry to hear about your loss. It must be so hard and of course you're NBU to have found the celebration of your DH's mum painful so soon after your own loss.

I suppose that people were carried away with the celebration (and it is a big birthday) and maybe didn't give your situation any thought in the general happy context. And I suppose MIL herself could hardly be expected to see it from your POV. Also I guess to some extent it was DH's side of the family, so they wouldn't have been affected in the same way by your mum's death and didn't have the same sensitivity to the pain you are still feeling.

I think an acknowledgement from your OH would have been nice and anything else would have been appreciated, but not really expected as such.

You do deserve admiration though for being brave and happy for your OH, dcs and mil and I do wish you lots of strength to cope with the loss of your mum, which is still so raw and recent. Thanks

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 11/09/2012 11:14

It must have been very hard for you and it was a bit insensitive than no-one said anything to you. I do find that a lot of people don't know what to say in these circumstances though so tend to say nothing.

I hope you are coping ok though, and that your family are there to give you a hug when you need it.

OhSoSimple · 11/09/2012 11:25

Am so sorry to hear about your mum. I lost my mum 5 months ago and it seems things feel harder not easier. This is because other people move on and it feels increasingly that you are isolated with your grief.

It was a celebration and people were enjoying themselves which undoubtedly would have hurt....for me I am still unable to find joy in situations like that.

Although insensitive some people would have felt uncomfortable broaching it as they wouldn't want to upset you on what was meant to be a joyous day, other people just don't know what to say.

Try not to feel like it was because people were being purposefully insensitive.

Much love to you, it is so hard and grief can be lonely xxxxxxx

Narked · 11/09/2012 11:31

I'm so sorry for your loss. and yours OhSoSimple. It must have been very difficult for you to get through that party.

Most people don't think until they've been through similar themselves.

(( hugs ))

Lolwhut · 11/09/2012 11:36

That was a thoughtless of them. Are they usually like that? I would hope if you had said that you were feeling a bit down that they would have been sympathetic towards you.

Sorry about your DM.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 11/09/2012 11:39

I'm so sorry for you oxford, you've suffered the most awful loss and it is insensitive of your family not to acknowledge and be more sensitive to your feelings.

Sadly whilst losing your mum must for you feel like yesterday, 3 months is a long time for others. OhSoSimple is right, grieving can be a very lonely place.

Hugs to you and others who have suffered such a loss Sad

lynniep · 11/09/2012 11:42

It would have been kind of them to, yes, but as narked says, people tend not to understand unless they've been through it themselves. Combine that with stiff upper lip, thinking it may upset you, not wanting to put a 'downer' on celebrations and for them it being a while ago (I know, its not, but if it didn't affect you directly then it is) then I can see why no-one brought it up. YANBU to hope for some acknowledgement of your mum, no, but you shouldnt expect it. I'm sorry to hear of your loss btw - its been two years since my dad died and I so wish he could have spent more time with his grandsons.

Dozer · 11/09/2012 11:43

Sorry about your mum.

BupcakesandCunting · 11/09/2012 11:47

So sorry for your loss, OP.

I think that what can happen is that people think "Oh look, OP is over there. I want to ask how she is coping since she lost her mum but what if she is having a perfectly nice time then I upset her by bringing it up?"

I saw my friend at the weekend whose mum is ill with cancer. It was my friend's birthday and she seemed fine, so I just put my arm around her and said "How are things?" in a way that meant "talk if you want about your mum, or just take it as a general question." It's hard sometimes to know what to do. I'm sure that they appreciated you being there.

EverlongYouAreGoldAndOrange · 11/09/2012 12:00

Yanbu.

I would have give you a little hug most definately.

I think people ( especially it would seem us brits ) are quite rubbish in these situations.

Sweetiesmum · 11/09/2012 12:01

Am sad to hear you lost your mum only 3 months ago. You are being quite reasonable. We all need to know our loved ones are there for us at such an emotionally painful time. Many of us were not brought up to be aware of things like speaking sensitively about someone's loss and how to be there for someone who is grieving, so fumble through. Some may follow parents and avoid speaking of emotional topics and the pain of losing a loved one.

You are lovely to try to be supportive to your mil and your husband may really appreciate that. He may treasure the time with his Mum even more after the shock of losing your Mum and seeing you grieving. Can you try to talk to him and tell him you are struggling with your pain and may not feel up to celebrations for some time? Very hard to share your feelings when your pain is still so raw. Take care, and sending you love

DoMeDon · 11/09/2012 12:08

YANBU to find it hard. Sorry for your loss. I would try to work through the feeling of disappointment. People are so different. You wanted acknowledgement, support, understanding - I would have too. Many people prefer to be left alone with their grief, acknowledging would be seen as reminding them. My DH had no clue why I got upset around Mothers day, etc, until he lost his own Mum. A while after MIL died, DH apologised to me for being so insensitive to it over the years. The difficulty is that many people are not intuitive or sensitive to others emotions, not because they are bad people, but because that is the way they are. I bet if you talked to them about how hard you find it, you would get some lovely words of comfort/support.

BlaiddDrwg · 11/09/2012 12:17

My brother died suddenly two days before our family holiday with the PILs. I held it together until the very last day. My MIL said I had ruined her and the childrens holiday and that I was being silly. Not once did they ask how I was feeling.

EverlongYouAreGoldAndOrange · 11/09/2012 12:22

blaid no way!

How hurtful for you Sad

Lovelygoldboots · 11/09/2012 12:29

I am really sorry. I don't think it was unreasonable for people to ask how you are but I think when a parent dies as you get older a lot of people don't acknowledge how difficult a time it is for you. I am very lucky though, my parents are both alive and well and I am dreading the day they are not here anymore. It will take some time to let the grief take its course and YANBU to expect sympathy.

Blaidd, I am really shocked by what happened to you. My youngest brother died thirteen years ago it still hurts to this very day. I hope you are ok and I think your MIL's behaviour was shocking in the extreme.

chachagabor · 11/09/2012 13:38

I am so sorry -- it really is unbelievable how some people can be. My much loved dad died in difficult circumstances just over a year ago. My MIL hasn't phoned me or even sent a card. Nothing to acknowledge my loss nor that of her grandchildren. I was (and still am) deeply hurt by this. I discussed it with my husband and asked him to gently raise it with her. She felt that having sent 1 card to my mum that was enough. No attendence at funeral, no call to me after dh had spoken to her , nothing.... This is so off my emotional radar I'm afraid I have decided to make excuses not to visit when dh goes with the kids. I feel saddened by this but at the moment I can't forgive and forget. Not sure how to deal with it and decided it was more important to look after myself, my mum and my kids ...

TheCraicDealer · 11/09/2012 13:44

Agree with Bupcakes - maybe they genuinely didn't want to bring it to the forefront of your mind and upset you, especially as you said you were trying to make the best of it. Really, really sorry to hear about your mum.

Original poster
oxford1972 · 11/09/2012 13:58

Thank you everyone. TBF MIL did attend funeral and sent a card. Sorry to hear about other losses.
Dh really doesn't seem to get that I am grieving. Even when I do cry he doesn't seem to get that it is related.
Guess he is just not very good at dealing with emotions.

OP posts:
Original poster
oxford1972 · 11/09/2012 14:00

blaid and chac how awful for you.

OP posts:
nananaps · 11/09/2012 14:06

But life just carries on around you doesnt it?
Its a fact of life...

Its so very hard though, i agree.
No one mentions it, no one acknowledges it and no one can understand how you feel.

I remember wanting to scream at the world.."Do you not know what has happened? Why are you smiling/laughing carrying on??"

I was just overwhelmed with grief at times.
But grief is private, its your own.

I have no qualms in saying to folk, "im sad today, struggling" and that often gets a response. Im being honest, refusing to struggle wth the stiff upper lip thing so that folk dont feel awkward.

It IS hard, have a Brew

chachagabor · 11/09/2012 14:15

I know... I have good friends and good family (but I'm afraid to say I have to now add-'my side'- to that). MIL has not even asked after my absence at visits. I tried to organise a Christmas meal last year to try to get them to our house but none of the 3 days suggested were suitable (they are retired) but they suggested another date not good for me-3 kids, 2 jobs - I decided 'sod it' . I feel in many ways I have lost them too through their insensitivity.