to have expected someone to acknowlede how difficult this was.

[oxford1972]

So I lost my mum 3 months ago. At the weekend dh and sil organised a suprise 60th Birthday party for mil. Obviouly I wasn't looking forward to it but put on a brave face for dc.
However, not once did anyone say " I appreciate how difficult this must be" or even really ask how am I coping. I suppose they didn't want to upset me but I still feel disappointed.
AIBU

chachagabor I feel exactly like you about my PILs. Our relationship has always been fragile and sporadic at best, when my DH told his mother that my mum had cancer (she was in the Hospice 2 weeks after diagnosis and passed 4 weeks later) she said "oh we'll I know how it feels what with your dad"! FIL had a NON CANCEROUS tumour that was removed and he was out of hospital in a couple of days!!!

When DH told her my mum had passed she said "well it's been a bit awkward for me really" and ranted off about her own life!

For us this was the end of road. Sorry to hijack with a rant but I totally get it when you say you have lost them through their insensitivity.

OP you must try to tell yourself that people cannot understand until they have been through it. For me even I am shocked at the depth of my pain. My mum and I were extremely close and it came out of nowhere. One minute everything was normal 6 weeks later I was at her funeral.

I think there is an expectation that as adults we don't "need" our parents, that's what hit me most. At 31 I still desperately want to just talk to my mum, just for a minute xxxx

NU but people don't know what to say or they forget. When my brother died loads of people never even mentioned it. I ended up just accepting that but I always try to acknowlege someone's loss for that reason.

I am still impressed with my ExBIL. He and ExH lost their DM at the same time as ExH and I were splitting up. It was bloody horrendous for everyone. Divorce and loss of MIL at the same time. Of course, I sucked it up and was there for DFIL and ExH and family, organised food for the wake and all that. BIL came up to me at the wake and asked how I was and said he appreciated my help even though it must be hard for me since I was splitting up with ExH. Some people can think of others in the hardest times and some can't.

It sounds like your ILs can't think of others even at the best of times.

Oh - Reading your last post made me cry - I really identify with that feeling. I lost my mum when I was 21 and I still yearn for a chat. Getting married, having DC - her missing out on the most important things in my life makes me so sad. Becoming a mother actually made me miss her more then ever. Especially with no female relatives around to help/advise/empathise. Added to that she would have been totally in love with her DGC.