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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

am i being a mug?

28 replies

msnaughty · 10/09/2012 22:28

my mate seems to think im being a mug. my dd has a boyfriend they are both 15. i have spoken on here about them before dd's boyfriend is not staying at home at the moment and is at a friends house due to home problems. he is here alot wich i dont mind. if he is here when i cook meals i do some for him to. but friend says im being taken for a mug. but for last day or so he has said he does not want anything and has been up and down the fried chicken shop so many times. i have told my daughter to suggest to him to do a little mini food shop and he can leave a few bits here and can cook it when he wants to rather than keep going to the take away. friend then says im being a mug for letting him use my kitchen.

OP posts:
Purple2012 · 10/09/2012 22:29

Nice friend you have! A child is going through a tough time and you are helping him. I think it's a lovely thing to do.

NellyJob · 10/09/2012 22:30

no you are not being a mug you are being parental to someone who needs it.
the boy cannot live on fried chicken.

Noqontrol · 10/09/2012 22:30

Why are you a mug for letting him use your kitchen? Cant see a problem with it. Better than wasting his money on junk food.

pjmama · 10/09/2012 22:30

If you have no problem with it then it's none of your mate's business.

MoonlightandRoses · 10/09/2012 22:30

I haven't seen your other threads but, going on the above, it doesn't sound to me as though you're being a mug - sounds as though he's appreciating the support by trying not to be a burden.

From your post, I would say your friend is BU and you are not!

WorraLiberty · 10/09/2012 22:32

What is it with this 'friend', does she have a mug fetish or something?

Tell her to butt out.

SavoyCabbage · 10/09/2012 22:33

You sound totally normal to me! A child is having problems at home and you are being kind to him and making him a meal when you are cooking one and generally treating him like a human being.

Your friend sounds miserable.

Original poster
msnaughty · 10/09/2012 22:35

yes that's what i thought. when i think about the food that get thrown away. its nothing.

OP posts:
JeezyOrangePips · 10/09/2012 22:36

In this situation, I try and treat them in the same way I would hope my kids would be treated if the situation was reversed.

Your friend seems to be lacking in empathy. Maybe not the kind of person you would be able to rely on in a time of real problems.

You are doing the right thing. I'm sure you know that.

LadyBeagleEyes · 10/09/2012 22:36

If you're cooking for yourselves just cook for the poor lad too.
Ask him to pick up some shopping instead of getting a takeaway and eat together.
No, you're not being a mug, you're being kind.
and get him to help in the kitchen, at least he'll learn something.

Original poster
msnaughty · 10/09/2012 22:39

lol maybe she does have a fetish.

she seems to think i cant afford it. as im paying for my 2 year old to go to ursery twice a week so i can volunteer. but its not really costing me any money as such to feed him. lit just means less gets thrown away thats all.

OP posts:
CoolaSchmoola · 10/09/2012 22:41

I would do exactly what you are doing....and I'm definitely not a mug by any stretch of the imagination.

I am, however, a human being! Occasionally a nice one lol!

Luckily I don't have 'friends' who would see this as anything other than the right thing to do - because it is, and good for you!

maybenow · 10/09/2012 22:41

what, is 'mug' another word for caring human being? Confused

your friend doesn't sound very nice i'm afraid Sad

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 10/09/2012 22:41

My Mum took in two of my friends and one BF over the years. They had crappy home lives and needed a rest with a family. She never asked for money and one of the friends still thinks of my DM as family. I would do the same for DD's friends (when she is older). Thanks on behalf of all those kids who need a helping hand.

NellyJob · 10/09/2012 22:44

so true about the thrown away food, just cook for him, it doesn't really cost any extra to 'add one to the pot' if u are cooking anyway.

Your friend sounds nasty.

Original poster
msnaughty · 10/09/2012 22:45

lady: yes thats why i have told my dd to take him to tesco's with a little bit of his money to buy some stuff. not for us all to eat. its just to have something thats 'his' and he can cook it him self. so he is learning to cook for himself so he does not have to waste his money on take aways. hopefully he will see he can get more for his money and learn to basic cook to. although thats an assumption as he may be able to cook. but from what i know i would be surprised

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/09/2012 22:49

I fed and boarded my eldest DS's mate for 3 months after he rang DS one day from his garden shed and said his Stepdad had locked him in Angry

He'd probably still be here now if his Mum hadn't eventually dumped the tosser.

Original poster
msnaughty · 10/09/2012 22:50

my friend has strange ways she has been really kind to me and help me out alot. when i had depression my house got really bad and she helped me get it all sorted and decorated in a really postive kind of way. she has been fantastic. but when i do stuff for people im a mug. or she cant see why i do it. such as my volunteer work as its costing me money to do free work.

OP posts:
Original poster
msnaughty · 10/09/2012 22:55

it felt so sad today. he had been leaving here at 10.30pm. but now the people he is staying with have put their foot down and told him to be home by 8.30pm although he is not actually leaving here till 8.30pm. i asked him what the rule would bbe at home. he said he's not allowed out :( and he was saying to dd you and your mum have such a good relationship you can say anything to her. bless him :( it would break my heart if my child coul not talk to me

OP posts:
MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 10/09/2012 23:00

Maybe your friend likes you when you are 'victim' rather than a 'helper'. She might be a little protective.

Original poster
msnaughty · 10/09/2012 23:02

yes terry. that may be true. i guess when it comes down to it as long as i feel im doing the right thing thats what matters

OP posts:
Naoko · 10/09/2012 23:04

You sound nice, OP, and not like a mug at all. :) In my house anyone who comes through the door near a mealtime gets fed, and that goes especially for anyone who I know might not otherwise get a decent meal. It might be different if he was making demands or taking liberties but it doesn't sound like he is at all, he's only 15 and not in a good situation. Helping him out is the decent thing to do.

lovebunny · 11/09/2012 06:12

i think you sound like a nice, caring person, rather than a mug.

MammaTJisWearingGold · 11/09/2012 06:31

I agree with Terry some people cast themselves in the role of rescuer and they can't cope when the victim moves on. You have moved on, thanks to her help in part, and are now helping others making her role reduntant.

Have a chat with her about how she helped you so much, but you are now 'paying it forward'. She may then realise she had her part to play in enabling you to helps now.

Morloth · 11/09/2012 07:02

You are not a mug.

My only concern in this situation would be your daughter.

What if she decides to break up with him for whatever reason? Will this be harder for her because he has kind of been 'adopted'?

I would be hesitant to take a girlfriend (I have boys) in to the same extent because I would not want there to be pressure on my son to stay with someone if they didn't really want to.

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