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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something even though it will cause a row?

52 replies

Willowme · 26/08/2012 14:29

My SIL looks after my DS, we had a great relationship up until I had DS. I think it changed because she kept tyring to tell me what do to and I wasn't doing it her way, as her advice was generally bad so I was doing things different and I think she felt it was a personal insult at her parenting choices.

We decided to let he look after DS in spit of her bad advice as it was more concerning things like early weaning, rusks in bottles, wrong car seats that type of thing and we would obviously control major things like that.

Anyway she has looked after DS for a few months now and she has been feeding him junk like pot noodles a lot, we have been told by different people and she also told herself me he loves them, but it was in a room full of family guests so I couldn't say anything without looking like a bitch. I made a note to speak to get later about it. Now the opportunity hasnt really come up due to us both being busy lately and DH does drop offs and pick ups.

She has been really argumentative with me since our friendship went a bit off track, so I know by saying that
I'm not happy about this, it will cause an almighty row.

So my question is this, do I say something and risk the row (I hate confrontation btw) or let it go for the sake of keeping the peace in the family. DH is also cross too so
he would say something, but I have a feeling she would dismiss him as she thinks men know nothing about children and it would more impact coming from me.
I have started sending food most days now but don't know if he even gets it. We paid her an extra £5 a day to feed him which makes it a bit more annoying.
DS is 14months btw.

OP posts:
PureMorning · 26/08/2012 14:31

Get proper childcare?

McHappyPants2012 · 26/08/2012 14:33

Use a nursery or child minder

GlassofRose · 26/08/2012 14:33

Well, the fact that this isn't a professional relationship makes it hard, but it doesn't mean you should keep schtum. The odd pot noodle isn't going to kill your child, but it's not something you want them to be eating regularly so you do need to say something.

maddening · 26/08/2012 14:33

just send him to another childcare provider - fuck the row it causes - you're paying her - she isn't looking after him as you wish - so pay someone else who respects your wishes

tryingtonotfeckup · 26/08/2012 14:33

How many days does she look after him and why? Given her background with you and that you don't feel as though you can discuss his care with her I'd be tempted to find other childcare. If if was the odd day, the junk food might be OK but if its regular I wouldn't like it, I'd be really pissed off with pot noodles as a regular meal. I think it is difficult if relatives look after your children and add to that, the history and her attitude, look for an alternative.

Yika · 26/08/2012 14:38

Pot noodles for a 14 month old on a regular basis? Are you kidding? End your child care arrangement with her now and put him with someone who knows their stuff. And yes, have the row. She is way out of line.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 26/08/2012 14:40

I can see where you are coming from, but you did know that you had differing opinions on parenting before this and Im sure you are getting her childcare cheaper than normal.

Perhaps just send a packed lunch in a lunch box and then on pick up casually ask what DS ate that day. I dont see how having a row will fix anything. She clearly thinks pot noodles are suitable so I dont see you getting anywhere with a row.

If that fails then just get proper childcare.

Original poster
Willowme · 26/08/2012 14:41

She keeps him 4 days a week usually, I like him being there as he gets to spend time with his cousins and GP's who live next door. But I really don't think it's working as she isn't respecting our parental choices. Deep down I know we need to find someone else but we are quite remote and haven't got many options, hence him going there in the first place.

It's a regular occurrence from what I can gather.

I just know it's going to cause a rift if I say something or we take him elsewhere and we really dont new anymore stress right now but DS has to come first.

OP posts:
CumberdickBendybatch · 26/08/2012 14:42

£5 a day for food? :-o

Bloody hell, I don't spend that much on food for myself!

Sack her and use proper childcare

CumberdickBendybatch · 26/08/2012 14:43

Do you pay her for the actual childcare? Is she registered?

AlexanderSkarsgardOhYes · 26/08/2012 14:44

This arrangement isn't working out - you need proper childcare. You probably won't be able to avoid a row but you have to do what's right for your child. It sounds like your gut feeling was that she is not the person to look after your child - you've been proved right.

Original poster
Willowme · 26/08/2012 14:44

Yeah I know, I thought it was ok at the time because it was still cheaper than normal childcare but he only gets 2 meals there and pot noodle or processed crap is more than likely one of them.

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 26/08/2012 14:45

Get some proper childcare.

Your ds should be coming first.

Original poster
Willowme · 26/08/2012 14:48

Last post was for cumberdick btw.

OP posts:
AlexanderSkarsgardOhYes · 26/08/2012 14:51

My MIL used to look after my DS one morning a week whilst I went to college. She was always overfeeding him (and letting him watch children's TV with adverts) in spite of my explicit instructions otherwise, and I got tired of spending the afternoon comforting an irritable child with a tummy ache, so I made up some bullshit excuse to avoid a blatent row and arranged for him to go nursery one extra morning a week instead. It was an expense I couldn't really afford but so worth it. I think MIL was pissed off but she never said anything.

CumberdickBendybatch · 26/08/2012 14:51

:)

How much are you paying her a day?

AlexanderSkarsgardOhYes · 26/08/2012 14:52

P.S. I also should have listened to my gut.

naturalbaby · 26/08/2012 14:56

Where will it end? It may just be the food he's eating now but what about when he gets older and she does more/other things that are against your wishes?
You said your DS has to come first, so if this isn't the best childcare arrangement for him then he's not coming first.

Original poster
Willowme · 26/08/2012 14:57

£20 and £5 of that is food.

TBH that's not the only issue, we have a suspicion she is using one of her DD's car seats for him instead of his own. I kept him rear facing to over a yr old whereas her dd was forward facing from 4 months Shock we had a discussion/heated debate about it when he was about 7 months, she was giving me her 'advice' but i knew better. We have a kiddy seat (the impact cushion) so we thought there would be
no issues as it's so easy to use, but I think she is deliberately using her DD's to prove a point. This is only a suspicion though.

OP posts:
CumberdickBendybatch · 26/08/2012 15:00

You've got to stop using her. She ignores everything you say and feeds you ds crap. She sounds fucking useless!

For not much more than what you're paying you should be able to find a registered childminder.

fedupofnamechanging · 26/08/2012 15:00

If she was providing free child care then you'd be on more difficult ground, but even then, you have a right to say what your child can/cannot eat if you are covering his food costs.

If you are paying her for child care then you have made the relationship 'professional' and have an absolute right to object if she undermines your parenting choices.

She probably takes the view that she is doing you a huge favour, but it becomes less of a favour if she disregards your wishes. If you are paying her, then remember that you are doing her a favour too, in that she gets paid to work from home, around her own children's school day etc.

I think the best thing would be to get proper child care, where the lines aren't blurred between professional relationship and family relationship and then let your SIL just be an auntie.

WorraLiberty · 26/08/2012 15:02

As others have said, get proper childcare.

ASAPRocky · 26/08/2012 15:07

I know it's a lot of extra effort but could you possibly pre prepare meals to be warmed up that she could feed him or send him with a packed lunch? Or would it be possible for you to ask the grandparents next door to keep an eye on him. I'm sure her hearts in the right place but she probably just needs some guidance. Good luck Smile

Original poster
Willowme · 26/08/2012 15:10

I know you are all right, just needed someone to say it to me. DH is cross also but scared of repercussions with regards to family as they are very close and SIL let's nothing go. She's his DB's wife not his actual sis so that makes it a bit harder as there's a chance db will fall out with him too if she makes an issue of it.

I always feel like I'm the weirdo around DH's family as I try to follow guidelines and be as safe as possible, they all have more than one child so think they know more, so I'm always the one making what they think are stupid or overcautious decisions when I think im pretty normal.

OP posts:
Roseformeplease · 26/08/2012 15:14

Is she registered as a childminder? Could you use this as an excuse? As in, "I get vouchers from work towards childcare but have to use a registered childminder. Do you want to get registered or shall I look elsewhere?"