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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say something even though it will cause a row?

52 replies

Willowme · 26/08/2012 14:29

My SIL looks after my DS, we had a great relationship up until I had DS. I think it changed because she kept tyring to tell me what do to and I wasn't doing it her way, as her advice was generally bad so I was doing things different and I think she felt it was a personal insult at her parenting choices.

We decided to let he look after DS in spit of her bad advice as it was more concerning things like early weaning, rusks in bottles, wrong car seats that type of thing and we would obviously control major things like that.

Anyway she has looked after DS for a few months now and she has been feeding him junk like pot noodles a lot, we have been told by different people and she also told herself me he loves them, but it was in a room full of family guests so I couldn't say anything without looking like a bitch. I made a note to speak to get later about it. Now the opportunity hasnt really come up due to us both being busy lately and DH does drop offs and pick ups.

She has been really argumentative with me since our friendship went a bit off track, so I know by saying that
I'm not happy about this, it will cause an almighty row.

So my question is this, do I say something and risk the row (I hate confrontation btw) or let it go for the sake of keeping the peace in the family. DH is also cross too so
he would say something, but I have a feeling she would dismiss him as she thinks men know nothing about children and it would more impact coming from me.
I have started sending food most days now but don't know if he even gets it. We paid her an extra £5 a day to feed him which makes it a bit more annoying.
DS is 14months btw.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 26/08/2012 15:16

I like to think I'm not fanatical about children and junk food. But pot noodles at 14 months is just not on. It's really difficult when it's a relative. But there's no guarantee that a childminder will follow your instructions to the letter.

CumberdickBendybatch · 26/08/2012 15:17

You sound pretty normal to me!

Putting your DC FF at 4mo is moronic

Original poster
Willowme · 26/08/2012 15:18

That would be a good idea Rose as my work does do that, but I would probably have bother finding one as we are quite remote.

I don't see how I'm going to resolve it without some kind of family rift tbh, but DS has to come first so if it happens we will just have to deal with it. Cant do anything until I find someone else though, which could be a while.

Cross with myself for even starting this arrangement, knew that something was going to happen before long.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 26/08/2012 15:21

Get a new childminder or nanny. If she wants to be an arse over it let her get on with it.

TraineeBabyCatcher · 26/08/2012 15:21

I agree with the others, and I can tell deep down that's how you feel aswell.

You should be able to google childcare + name-of-local-council and it will bring you up a list of registered ofsted approved minders.

Original poster
Willowme · 26/08/2012 15:21

Thanks cumberdick wanna come be in my family- I need moral support!

I know Vivienne but surely if they are registered they would have to know a bit more about nutrition.

OP posts:
BulldogDrummond · 26/08/2012 15:23

What about looking for a childminder near your workplace?

Roseformeplease · 26/08/2012 15:24

No guarantee but they are running a business and so will have a wide range of experience of children, have to know their stuff and, importantly, not cause a family rift when there is an issue to be dealt with.

Yama · 26/08/2012 15:25

By the way, if your dh's work are in the voucher scheme, you can both participate. We save £70 each so it really is worth it.

Original poster
Willowme · 26/08/2012 15:28

Thought about that Bulldog but I dont always work in the same place, either does DH.

My DB kept him a day this week as sil was sick and he even fed him better and he doesn't know much about kids and only eats junk himself, I think that what has hit it home for me.

I will just have to provide food every day until we get something else sorted.

Is it too cheeky to ask for my fiver a day back?! Grin

OP posts:
Icelollycraving · 26/08/2012 15:31

Is she a registered cm? Isn't it illegal to be paid for childcare if you aren't registered?
£20 is a bargain but really at what cost?

GnocchiNineDoors · 26/08/2012 15:35

But, OP, you knew that you both had massively different styles in the first place, so I am surprised that you are surprised at the fact she cares for your DC in this way.

You need proper legit childcare.

CumberdickBendybatch · 26/08/2012 15:36

Definitely stop giving her the fiver! Grow a
pair, woman! Grin

I don't like this insinuation of hers that men are crap at looking after children and don't know what theyre talking about. What the hell kind of example is that to set!

Original poster
Willowme · 26/08/2012 15:50

Gnocchi I honestly thought she wouldn't be this bad, I never noticed what she did when her DC's were young as I had no interest in kids then but I'm glad now I never noticed her 4mo in a ff carseat.

cumberdick I know it really bothers me as my DH is a fantastic dad, but she thinks she knows more as she older and she's had more kids. She keeps other kids too and I have heard her slagging their mum over silly things so she is probably doing it to me too. We've drifted apart quite a lot recently and I have seen another side to her that everyone else had seen for years.

Currently working on growing a set before tomorrow!

OP posts:
CumberdickBendybatch · 26/08/2012 15:51

Is she registered? If not she's leaving herself open to being reported!

Original poster
Willowme · 26/08/2012 15:57

Nope not registered, all the kids she keeps are her nieces and nephews.

OP posts:
CumberdickBendybatch · 26/08/2012 16:00

It's still not allowed if she's taking money though...

CumberdickBendybatch · 26/08/2012 16:01

Sorry, I seem to be coming across as rather rude!

teenagersmother · 26/08/2012 19:14

well said Cumber. It's not allowed to take money for providing child care services unless you are registered.
I als wonder if she is paying tax and insurance on her earnings ?

As a registered childminder who jumps through a multitude of hoops to be able to provide childcare, I would say , please remove your child from care you are clearly not happy about.
It's not going to improve- unless your carer decides to register and then will have to do some training. Food and nutrition courses are very informative I have found........

Original poster
Willowme · 26/08/2012 20:43

I know that we had little alternative it the time so was our only option. I'm going to start looking into registered childminders this week and hope it doesn't take too long to get something sorted.

Tbh it pisses me off no end when I think of the money she is making from this, her part tine job and tax credits, it's probably not much less than me and I went to uni 5 yrs and work 12 hr days, whereas she's still at home gets to spend time with her dc's and does housework etc.

OP posts:
plutocrap · 26/08/2012 21:09

But Pot Noodle has CRAZY amounts of salt! According to myfitnesspal, a roast chicken flavoured one has 670mg of sodium (not salt), versus 400mg recommended daily limit for a child of 1-2 years. And that's just the one "snack" or "meal". We notice our 4yo DS gets ratty and doesn't sleep well if he has had a lot of salt or sugar at dinner; he's too thirsty: his poor body is processing like mad, trying to flush it out and restore balance!

Your SIL sounds a nasty piece of work, especially bullying you into avoiding confrontation with her.

CumberdickBendybatch · 26/08/2012 21:45

Don't forget the amount of tax she's avoiding and extra ctc she's claiming.

Sorry, I know its not the point but grrrr

Original poster
Willowme · 26/08/2012 22:47

Yeah I know cumberdick I think of it every time I see the tax figure on my payslip, it was probably a tell tale sign that our relationship had changed as it didn't really bother me before. My overpayment of a few grand for CTC that I have to pay back in next thirty days is also not helping the situation.

Thanks for the stats Pluto you've really helped to confirm it for me, and at least if she says anything regarding the PN I can give her figures to prove my point.

OP posts:
plutocrap · 27/08/2012 16:59

I've read that some pot noodles these days have "reduced" the salt, so do check to see whether she's giving one of those, but really, it's still.likely to have salt/sodium levels too high for a small child, and even if it were no salt, a "meal"/ "snack" with reconstituted vegetables and meat is not exactly going to contain the vitamins of the fresh or even frozen food most of us would like our DC to have. I do mix dried food like pasta and rice, occasionally frozen corn, and tinned/bottled chopped tomatoes/passata into my DCs' diet, but there's plenty of variety there, and as little processed stuff as I can manage, so I know what's what. One quick meal with store cupboard ingredients is pizza with the end of the week's cheese and veg (I keep frozen pizza bases on hand for this), which even my fussy DH loves. It should be miles cheaper cooking from less processed ingredients, anyway.

fedupofnamechanging · 27/08/2012 17:05

OP, I think you can pay back ctc over a year, if it is too much to pay it all at once. Might make things a bit easier for you.