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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to implement a strict routine for older DCs?

28 replies

two2blackcats · 13/07/2012 23:38

My older DCs are in years 7 and 8. We live a long way from the school (rural area) so the bus only drops them off at 5 pm. We don't usually eat until later - about 7 - so they have a snack and do their homework. Homework has to be done before watching TV or seeing any of their friends. Sometimes their friends ring up asking them to go around but I say no until homework is done.

I am a full time working mum and don't want to be doing a lot of laundry so I tell them to stay in their uniforms, obviously they take off ties and untuck shirts and so on.

Finally, how much TV should they watch? They don't have TVs in their rooms, so they are essentially supervised when they watch TV, and I usually allow a maximum of 2 hours an evening - bedtime is between 9.30 and 10pm. Is this reasonable?

The DCs are complaining loudly about the above and I'm doubting myself - aibu?

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 13/07/2012 23:43

YANBU on the homework front, but could you give them a bit of leeway on the telly thing?

They're getting old enough to decide for themselves whether they want to switch off with the box on.

I'm just wondering if you're setting yourself up for a fall being so controlling strict with them. Not saying it's a bad thing to have boundaries, but it makes me think where do they fit in being themselves etc?

squeakytoy · 13/07/2012 23:51

Sounds very regimented and not much fun.

Children should be allowed some time to socialise.

Graciescotland · 13/07/2012 23:59

I think it sounds fine, I'm not keen on children vegetating in front of the television all evening. I'm assuming that because they've kept on top of homework during the week weekends can be a more relaxed affair with lots of family/ friends time?

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/07/2012 00:01

Let them have some responsibility if you think they are there. So, they can take off their uniforms but have to do at least one load of laundry a week (which I did at that age). They can 'earn' extra TV time or social time with homework or chores. Then they have more responsibility and more freedom.

watermargin · 14/07/2012 00:04

i'd hate to be stuck in the same clothes all week - I think that's really unfair and a bit skanky.

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2012 00:06

This is just my personal opinion but 7pm is way too late for 7 and 8yr olds to be eating dinner and 9.30 and 10pm is way too late for their bedtimes.

My 9.5yr old goes to bed at 8.30pm on a school night (lights out at 9pm) and my 13yr old goes at 9pm (lights out 9.30pm)

I agree with the homework thing but I'd hate to be forced to wear the clothes I'd spent all day wearing, if I wanted to change into something more comfortable. What's the problem with a bit of extra laundry? It's not like you have to drag it down to the river and beat it against stones?

The TV thing is up to you.

watermargin · 14/07/2012 00:07

worrathey're in years 7 and 8 I think so 11-13 :)

Krumbum · 14/07/2012 00:12

They don't get home til 5! So late, and then you make them do homework, have dinner and early night. How do they have any social life at all? Can't they go out after school and be home by a certain time? Tv doesn't really matter does it? Let them watch it if that's what they choose to do with their tiny amount of leisure time.

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2012 00:13

Ohhhhhhhhh fuckety fuck water so they are

Sorry OP please ignore my post while I top up my !!!

watermargin · 14/07/2012 00:14

I am laughing like a loon at fuckety fuck!

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 00:19

I was thinking a similar thing about the clothes worra, it's a separating out of having the fascist regime school routine all day but then making a physical change to be able to relax at home.

Even just deciding what they want to wear is part of becoming more independent.

Which is what you really need to be fostering OP, it'll make it easier for you not harder, just let them get on with it.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 14/07/2012 00:20

My DCs of similar age go to bed earlier than yours on a school night. They are all in bed by 8pm when they have school next day, and their school day is shorter than your DCs, as we walk home and are in the house by 3.45ish at the latest.
They eat earlier too - they take packed lunches so are starving and need a "proper" meal at tea time. What do your children get for lunch? do they have a school dinner or a packed lunch? they must be ravenous by the time they get home! and moreso by 7pm, "snack" notwithstanding...
We watch tv together or not at all - it's never on just as background noise. We watch a couple of game/quiz shows from 5.15 - 6.30 and that's about it, and they don't have tvs in their rooms. I think "tv time" varies from family to family, some people just watch more than others - it's not so much how long they watch for, it's what they are watching that counts I think.

TroLoLoLo · 14/07/2012 00:21

It's quite a long day for them so a bit more slobbing around in front the TV would be ok. Maybe, let them have a complete chill out in front the TV when they first get in and then get them to start homework befor supper. Can they do any of their home work on the bus?
The trouble with it being too regimented is that they don't learn how to manage their own homework and that you always end up being the meany Mum. I am not saying they don't need your help just that it's best if they can take some responsibility for themselves.
I always left my DC's to do their homework whenever they saw fit, albeit with a little encouragement and reminding from time to time. One of my DS's used to regularly forget and would get detentions but now at 17 he is really hardworking and manages his work extremely well. My other two were always conscientious although there was the occasional mad morning panic.
Obviously! I would have changed my tactics if it wasn't working for my DC's but I believe some DC's do better with more freedom and less Mum nagging

fedup2012 · 14/07/2012 00:28

I admire your tenacity OP, keep going. Do let them get changed though - I wish mine would get changed. Remember that social development is as important as academic development and they can't learn that if they're stuck at home. Let them do facebook etc as it's a solution if they don't actually get to go to see friends.

Make sure you have quality non-nagging time with them also.

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2012 00:29

Interestingly enough Ziggers my DS (13) told me the other day that as much as most kids in his school don't like wearing uniform, they all agreed (during a debate) that putting their uniforms on first thing in the morning changed their mindsets and made them ready to learn...because as soon as they donned their uniforms their brains went into 'school mode'.

Therefore I do think anyone...child or adult should be allowed to lose their school/work clothes as soon as they're out of that environment.

RubyFakeNails · 14/07/2012 00:40

To me this sounds much too regimented. They must be bored out of their minds. I also have teen dcs and would never subject them to this kind of routine. when do they get to blow off steam and relax especially after such a long day? What are their weekends like? It all sounds very mundane and I imagine they are ravenous and exhausted when they come home.

First of all I think the clothes thing is unfair, it should be that if they choose to change they can. My dd1 and ds come home and unless they are off out, they have showers and put their pyjamas on, I think you should at least give them the option.

Mine are slightly older but at that age mine had an 8:30/9:00pm curfew and they were required to show me homework when they came in. This meant they taught themselves to do it before going out/relaxing or leave enough time before bed.

Tv and bedtimes is up to you, it varies family to family but I certainly think they need more time to relax/think freely. I'd worry you're setting yourself up for a fall in that they will either rebel or be incapable of managing themselves.

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 00:45

If they're only wearing the clothes after school for a few hours they can wear top/trous a couple of days before they need washing, or is that just me being steggy?

I get DD1 to go and get changed straight away when she gets home, she does prefer her everyday clothes because they're more comfortable but probably wouldn't change herself just out of sheer laziness.

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 00:47

And she hasn't had any homework for months!

She's just done her sats, so unless she's spinning me a yarn they've just not bothered with anything beyond what they had to learn.

McHappyPants2012 · 14/07/2012 00:49

homework need to be done, but i would hate living like this.

Once home i need to change, and also need time to relax.

GoodButNotOutstanding · 14/07/2012 00:54

I make dd1 change out of her uniform before she does anything else. The rest of it sounds just like our house tbh. She's allowed out after she's finished homework, no tv in bedroom but is welcome to watch with us in the living room if she chooses although she generally chooses not to. 9pm is bedtime with lights out at 9:30. This is the way it will continue (bedtime might get a bit later) until she's finished school.

I think more teenagers need a good routine actually. I sometimes look at the kids in my form (yr7) and wish I could enforce their routine at home too as I know some of them have no bedtime and don't eat proper meals in the evenings. Teens do much better if they have parents that care about this sort of thing, even if the details are tweaked from family to family.

creativepebble · 14/07/2012 00:54

YANBU
Nothing wrong with a bath and then jarmies either if you don't want extra washing.
When all is done though, snuggling in front of the telly (as a family not in own rooms) is lovely and relaxing is important.

LapsedPacifist · 14/07/2012 00:55

Sounds pretty reasonable to me! But let them change if they want to - as long as they hang up trousers/ jumpers for the next day.

But why don't you let them socialise after school?

Really, homework is THEIR responsibility, unless they have proved themselves incapable of coping. It they get into trouble with school then stop them going out, otherwise, why on earth should you prevent them from enjoying the benefits of free time they have EARNED?

arghhhmiddleage · 14/07/2012 01:00

Isn't this exactly the age they need to start making some of their own decisions? Like what to wear in their own home for example? It's also a good age to get them to take some responsibility for their own washing. I can't help but think that imposing very strict routines at this age may not end well. They need to be flexing their muscles in a safe environment.

MrsJohnMurphy · 14/07/2012 01:02

Tbh homework was my business at that age, throughout secondary school really, I can't think of anything worse than being at school all day, then being forced to do more school work before I could just chill out a bit and eat a decent meal.

It's akin to working all day, getting in, having a couple of biscuits, not allowed to take your work clothes off, then doing an hours extra work. Not fun.

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2012 01:05

I was a pretty strict mum and my children responded well. You have to pick your battles. In your case, I think it's a good idea to stick to homework before dinner. Can they record anything they want to watch that's on earlier? I'd let them change when they come in - surely they should be comfortable? It's always nice to take off work clothes and put on something comfortable. Don't you do that? I would look at what they want. I didn't let mine go out in the evenings Monday to Thursday unless it was in the summer term. Then I let them go out after they'd done their work. It's good for them to go out, to exercise, to meet their friends. I didn't want them hanging round the bus stops in the winter, though.

Mine had to do their homework before midday on Sunday. I couldn't bear the idea of Sunday evening homework, leaving everything until too late.

Give in to some things, stand firm on others. They'll be fine.

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