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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wanting to baby sit

38 replies

WithoutCaution · 16/06/2012 14:55

Hi,

I'm new and have only recently found this site

I'm having a disagreement with my MIL. She's a clean freak and believes that babies (all children really) should live in sterile environments. I don't believe this as I feel it compromises a babies/childs ability to build immunity.

After spending the majority of my pregnancy telling me I should get rid of my dog, as he will obviously harm the baby [shocked] (I didn't get rid of him). She is now saying that she should do the majority of the baby sitting when I eventually go back to work (only a few days a week) as she feels my parents aren't suitable as their house isn't sparkling clean (it is clean just not to a clean freak level) and they have pets Confused.

My parents volunteered to do most of the baby sitting and I said yes as they are a lot less highly strung than my MIL. MIL is now not speaking to me and it's annoying my DH. Our DS is our first baby and both our parents first grandchild so I understand that they want to spend time with him as he's fab but then I'm biased :)

AIBU to not let my MIL baby sit very often?

OP posts:
Original poster
WithoutCaution · 16/06/2012 14:56

Smileys are harder to work than I thought lol

[shocked] should be Shock

OP posts:
griphook · 16/06/2012 14:59

Yabu. I think you need to set ground rules and explain clearly that you are in charge, but you should be grateful she is interested and wants to baby sit. At least she's clean and doesn't want to smoke all over him

scarletforya · 16/06/2012 15:00

I would let her babysit half the time. I don't see being 'too clean' as a problem if standards are normal at home and also in your own parents place. I wouldn't be making favourites out of either set of GP's. Both are valuable in their own way I'm sure.

WhiteWidow · 16/06/2012 15:01

She's bang out of order saying your parents home isn't clean enough, the bloody snob.

That said, you should take her up on it every now and again. But I wouldn't have a set plan

OhNoMyFanjo · 16/06/2012 15:02

I think you need to think about how to make it more equal, afterall your a clean freak isn't really a good enough reason not to let her is it.

GrahamTribe · 16/06/2012 15:02

MIL will have to get over it. She's a rude woman for being insulting about your parents' home and a nasty SOB in telling you to get rid of your dog. Personally I wouldn't have someone like that in my house again but I'm sure you're much nicer than me and will grit your teeth until MIL gets her head around the fact that she won't gain any ground by being rude or cruel.

Original poster
WithoutCaution · 16/06/2012 15:03

I don't mind her baby sitting just not very often. I'm not sure I can cope with her comments on having pets and babies in the same house or her commenting on how there is a speck of dust in my house or why don't I do this or that. She's starting to make me feel like a bad mother

OP posts:
lechatnoir · 16/06/2012 15:03

If you're going back to work 2 days a week why not let them have a day each? Sounds perfect to me.....short enough that it doesn't matter too much if they spoil or sterilise him but regular so they can build a lovely bond with him. As a mother of two boys, I urge you not to shut out your MIL just because she's a clean freak Sad

scarletforya · 16/06/2012 15:05

Oops I missed the bit where she insulted your parents home. I wouldn't let her away with that OP.

Clawdy · 16/06/2012 15:05

Just be thankful you have someone who wants to help out. Some people struggle on their own,and would give anything to have your "dilemma"....

lechatnoir · 16/06/2012 15:05

Oh, and I would also be getting DH to have a quiet word about her comments and explain that this is definitely swaying your decision.

Dprince · 16/06/2012 15:07

I would tell her comments about your and your parents houses are not on and you don't want to hear it anymore. I would Split the childcare between them. All gps are as important as each other.
I would also tell her I don't want her making comments about how clean you house/pets are in front of dc. My mum is a clean freak and I noticed it rubbing off and dd. When I told her she stopped and starting being freakishly clean when dd wasn't there.

griphook · 16/06/2012 15:09

I think you should tell her you are not going to discuss the dog again, and if she does mention it again just stick your fingers in your ears and say I can't hear you

Original poster
WithoutCaution · 16/06/2012 15:13

I'll have a talk with DH when he gets in. I don't want to shut MIL out of our sons life as despite her current unnecessary attitude she can be very nice.

I'm going to have to work on not being as sensitive

OP posts:
Original poster
WithoutCaution · 16/06/2012 15:18

I imagine I'll be moaning here again in around 4-5 years when she finds out my parents want to buy him a pony and when we add a puppy to our already savage, cuddly dog family :(

OP posts:
BackforGood · 16/06/2012 15:19

YABU
If I've read it right, you are talking about a regular time while you are at work each week ?
Most sensible thing would be to share it - a day each or whatever hours you will do, halved. Being very clean isn't going to harm your baby, and if you don't have other concerns about her ability to look after your dc, then it will help everyone out if all grandparents are treated equally and fairly. Don't under estimate how tiring looking after a baby or toddler is once you are a grandparent - a few months in, all GPs might be glad it's only half the time it might be.

Original poster
WithoutCaution · 16/06/2012 15:21

BackforGood it's not just the excessive cleanliness it's the comments she makes as well

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 16/06/2012 15:28

YANBU to be pissed off at her comments - she's daft and bloody rude.
YAalsoNBU to be pissed off that she thinks she could do a better job of babysitting than your parents because she has "higher standards" of cleanliness - bah.

But you would do well to even out the babysitting between your parents and your MIL, to make it fair to both (and to share the load!) - if the only thing you are worrying about is her strange attitudes, and you have no other concerns, then try to be even handed about it.

Birdsgottafly · 16/06/2012 15:29

I would have MIL babysit at yours that way you have a built in cleaner as well Grin.

Jokes aside, if she does have a genuine problem, this could rub of on your child and that is when it stops being funny.

Would she allow him to make a mess and engage in normal play/activity? Would she also be able to contain any remarks about 'the state' of other's houses and having pets?

It is how 'highly strung' she is, that can be passed on to a child and is very unhealthy, as is being germ phobic.

mumhaveuseenmy · 16/06/2012 15:30

have a chat with mil urself and tell her to keep her comment to herself is she aint got anything nice to say.say nothing but i think share the care seems like a plan.

Birdsgottafly · 16/06/2012 15:32

"it's the comments she makes as well"

X post, that is the deciding factor, the extent of the comments and whether she can contain herself around your son.

HeadfirstForHalos · 16/06/2012 15:38

I would split the childcare evenly, but also take her to task about some of her downright rude and unnecessary comments. I wouldn't put up with that, but I wouldn't deny her seeing her grandchild over it either.

Gingefringe · 16/06/2012 15:40

I would let her babysit free cleaner for 1 day a week - on that day make sure your dog is at your parents house. Rest of the time let you parents babysit - they sound lovely.

bigjoeent · 16/06/2012 15:41

I love the idea of a built in cleaner, OP don't underestimate how great that would be.

Joking aside, its a long haul so having both sets of GPs on board is a good thing, plus its lovely for your DC to having lots of loving people around him. I'd ask DH to ask her to rein in the comments re your parents, they are totally out of order but it may sound better coming from him.

How about planning in loads of really messy activities for him so he doesn't get germ phobic. Its weird, one of my kids loves getting messy, the other doesn't and they've had the same upbringing, nature will out.

BackforGood · 16/06/2012 15:46

Well, take her to task on the comments, then, but to me they are 2 separate things.