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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ds grandparents

38 replies

GeorgesMum2008 · 10/05/2012 18:46

Ex broke up with me when I got pregnant. His mother promised to help and support me etc etc (was 18 and at uni). Anyway ex see's ds 3 days a month, pays zero maintenance as he is at uni. His parents emigrated to abu dhabi, his dad teaches people out there involving bomb disposal and they are loaded. They are paying for flights for his girlfriend to fly out to stay with them there, yet I am struggling sooo fucking much with £££ Doing a masters, working part time and bringing up ds with minimal support from ex. I feel really angry and hurt that they don't help me out financially whatsoever yet pay for the girlfriends flights. I know it's not their responsibility, and maybe I am being totally irrational, but the fact they are paying a grand for his gf to see them, and earn so much. I am not money grabbing, haven't received anything towards ds in 2 years. It's just when i heard about these flights, I'm here struggling to even buy ds clothes that fit. Arrrgh!

OP posts:

Isityouorme · 10/05/2012 18:49

I think I would be tempted to tell the ex to fuck off until he pays .... But I am in a bad mood so probably best not to listen to me!

lisaro · 10/05/2012 18:52

Why should they support you financially?

lisaro · 10/05/2012 18:54

And what has their occupations got to do with any of it?

CallMeAl · 10/05/2012 18:54

because they said they would?

lisaro · 10/05/2012 18:56

That's no reason to expect to sponge off them.

GrahamTribe · 10/05/2012 18:58

You are being irrational and unreasonable though it's understandable that the situation ruffles wrt the new GF but what the DGP's spend their money on is no concern of yours whatsoever. This boy is your child and your ex's, not theirs, he's not their responsibility, you chose to have him. Remember too, there's no such thing as a free lunch. What if any financial input from the DGP's came with provisos attached?

everlong · 10/05/2012 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuchProspects · 10/05/2012 18:59

Have you thought of sending them a card with a photo of DS in his non-fitting clothes and writing "since you can pay for x's gf's flight, perhaps you could send £500 for some clothes for your grandson? He would really appreciate it.". You don't really have much to lose.

I don't know if YABU. I think you probably are a bit since it's your ex who's reneging on his responsibilities, not them. But I'm sure I'd feel the same way too.

CallMeAl · 10/05/2012 19:01

How is it sponging off them? If they said they would help out with their grandchild when their feckless child won't?

Nasty of you to suggest it actually.

LowFlyingBirds · 10/05/2012 19:02

Op, forget them. All three of them do not desrve any part in your sons life.
Of course it hurts, ignore sponging comments. Anyone with any empathy can understand why it would hurt that there is no effort on their part to be involved in your sons life.
Fuck them.

GrahamTribe · 10/05/2012 19:02

CallmeAl, I may be wrong here but the OP's name suggests that her child is now 4 years old and that she's no longer an 18 yo studying for her bachelorate. She's now, unless I'm mistaken, a woman who is choosing to study for a masters and work only part time. If I'm wrong about any of this, I apologise, OP, if I'm right it might just explain why the DGP's aren't helping. That they said they would might reasonably be thought to be for the duration of the baby's first year or two and the OP's first degree, not so they can fund her further studies.

Original poster

GeorgesMum2008 · 10/05/2012 19:04

Yes I understand what everyone is saying. That's why I posted here- because I need the perspective. I am angry she promised to support us, persuaded me not to do the "alternative" when I got pregnant and said although ex is finding his feet they will support me. I understand they are under no obligation and i'm not "expecting" anything. As I said, 2 years I've received nothing, even before ex went back into education- 0.

OP posts:

hattifattner · 10/05/2012 19:04

you can be cross and angry and resentful, get over it, or write to them.

Dear mother of ex,

Before DS was born, you said that you would support us. I am now in the very difficult position of asking for your help financially with DS. I have received nothing from xp for the last two years, and I am still at university full time.

I am struggling to even buy clothing for DS. I do not want to just ask you for money, as that seems terribly crass, but I would really appreciate a small contribution towards clothing and toys. I am only able to cover the essentials, like food and electricity and rent, on the meagre amount I have coming in, so there are no luxuries. And shoes are not really a luxury! if you can help in any way, I would be deeply appreciative.

SoldeInvierno · 10/05/2012 19:04

YANBU, providing you are still in good terms with them and they've been involved in your DS's life, even if at a distance. Does DS know who they are? Do they skype with him/call him? He's their grandson, so I can't understand how they would be happy to see him with ill fitted clothes when they can afford to help. Maybe they don't realise? If you are in touch with them, maybe you can send some hints like "For DS's birthday, he could really do with some clothes"

squeakytoy · 10/05/2012 19:08

YANBU, if they persuaded you not to terminate the pregnancy on the grounds that as grandparents they would help you, then I can understand why you are so angry with them.

Sadly there is little you can do about though. :(

Original poster

GeorgesMum2008 · 10/05/2012 19:09

His parents never supported me (and I'm not just meaning financially i mean in ANY sense- practically, emotionally, 3 months after i had ds I didt see them again). This includes during my undergrad- I worked part time through that, brought my son up when his dad didn't even see him for a full year and I got a first class honours degree. I'm not scared of hard work, and I strive to provide for my ds. His mother said she'd make it as easy as possible for me to continue my degree yet did f* all. And now I hear this and i'm only human it does annoy me.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 10/05/2012 19:13

What kind of support are you thinking of? Financial, moral, emotional, physical ie babysitting? How long should they support you? What about your parents?

They might not have wanted you to get an abortion but you decided to have the child yourself. Its up to you and your ex to support your child. Whatever you get from the grandparents is bonus.

GrahamTribe · 10/05/2012 19:14

Sure it annoys you but there's nothing you can do so why brood on it? Why not decide upon what you can and will do? And if, as you suggest, it's really that hard to clothe your son you might have to give up the luxury of doing the Masters for the while and work FT.

queenofthepirates · 10/05/2012 19:15

I think some folk are being a tad harsh on Georgesmum, she's been let down badly and is finding it financially difficult at the moment. I think that she should be commended for carrying on with her studies as a single mum (and a young single mum by the sounds of it). People go under with less stress than she has on her shoulders.

I think a carefully worded letter to the GPs is a good idea, if you don't ask, you don't get.

And well done for managing so bloody well, you deserve to be treated better than this.

queenofthepirates · 10/05/2012 19:18

f*ck me, a first class honours degree, I am seriously impressed.

Original poster

GeorgesMum2008 · 10/05/2012 19:19

Thankyou for everyones comments, tbh I was expecting the negative ones and I can fully understand. As I said, I posted here because ex was saying the same and I wanted outsiders opinion so I could think more rationally.

OP posts:

Original poster

GeorgesMum2008 · 10/05/2012 19:20

Haha thank you queenofthepirates- I did it all for my ds. He motivated me to do my best :)

OP posts:

fuckbucket · 10/05/2012 19:24

I like Hatti's letter. But since it sounds like they sloped off quite early on, it might well not work. On the other hand, if you don't ask you certainly won't get.

WorraLiberty · 10/05/2012 19:24

I can understand why you're annoyed because they said they'd support you...but surely that was always going to be a bit of a flaky arrangement and your annoyance should be directed at your child's Father?

Would you be this annoyed if they'd spent the money on flights for a friend of theirs? Or on a new car or something?

Or is the annoyance mainly because it's being spent on the girlfriend?

I'd get on at your ex to be honest because you did create your child together after all.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 10/05/2012 19:28

YANBU to be pissed off that they have gone back on their word to help you. I think they are probably embarrased that you have done so well and their son is a cock, so they prefer not to think about it, and that means not acknowledging that you Are struggling financially.

YABU to think it has anything to do with the new girlfriends flights. They are two separate issues. It's probably the only way they will get to meet their sons GF.

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