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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....or just far too sensitive about this?

48 replies

imusthavebeenahorribleperson · 17/04/2012 20:31

Tried unsuccessfully for 12 years to conceive. Paid tens of thousands courtesy of the NHS Postcode Lottery.

Had no offer of financial help despite all older generations saying time & time again we need some young blood in the family.

MIL (Bless her) bangs on endlessly & tirelessly about wanting to become a grandmother & that we are now ruining her chances.

I am very late 30s & my chances are decreasing rapidly.

AIBU or just far too sensitive about the fact that she has bought another new car (Current one 2 years old) bought another horse & booked her fourth holiday for this year?

I have to put my house on the market to raise funds to make a baby. Sad
I have run out of money. Sad

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2012 20:35

Could you tell her that? Tell her, "We have spent all the money we have trying to give you that GC. Please either help us pay for help to conceive or stop talking about GCs". I have that relationship with DM but not DFIL so I don't know where you are with this. Sorry.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/04/2012 20:35

Does she know you need money?

Callisto · 17/04/2012 20:38

I don't see why anyone should fund your ivf or whatever, and why on earth shouldn't your MIL buy a new car or go on holiday? And have you personally paid tens of thousands or has the NHS paid tens of thousands on yoour behalf? Confused

McHappyPants2012 · 17/04/2012 20:39

my heart goes out to you.

mil could help you out as she also want this much wanted baby

thisisyesterday · 17/04/2012 20:41

i would ask your husband to talk to her.
just say "please can you stop talking about grandchildren, it's really upsetting for us. we can't afford any more IVF and we are trying to come to terms with this"

Maryz · 17/04/2012 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RevoltingPeasant · 17/04/2012 20:42

Aw OP. I think next time she says sth like that, you should just say very bluntly,

'I am selling my house to raise funds to try and conceive. We have spent all our money trying to have a baby. Did you know that?'

And then just look hard at her.

Don't say it's about 'making a DGS' (it's not, it's making your baby) and don't ask her for money. Just let her feel small.

katnisseverdeen · 17/04/2012 20:42

Oh bless you, what a horribly sad situation Sad

I hope so much that you get the family you deserve, but I do think you are being (understandably) a bit unreasonable to expect anyone to give you money for treatment, it is theirs to do with as they wish, and I also think it might put you under more pressure

They are being very unreasonable though for saying things like that to you! Tell them if they want 'young blood' to get themselves a bloody puppy, how dare they try and guilt trip you

LikeARollingStone · 17/04/2012 20:43

I'm really sorry that you are in this situation :(

bigjoeent · 17/04/2012 20:43

Callisto, I read it that OP had paid out the cash, the NHS lottery probably means that she isn't funded in her area. She has put her house on the market.
OP does your MIL know you're using IVF to have a baby? If she does she is being really insensitive in her comments.
As McHappysaid, my heart goes out to you.

everlong · 17/04/2012 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeKathryn · 17/04/2012 20:48

I agree with revoltingpeasant!

There's nothing reasonable about being infertile :( I was very lucky and had NHS funding for IVF which worked when I was 39 but I know how it feels to be desperate for a baby. I hope your chance hasn't gone yet.

Maryz · 17/04/2012 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DesperatelySeekingBunnies · 17/04/2012 21:01

I am so sorry you are going through this Sad

Your are not being oversensitive. Can't believe anyone could be so blunt to say what has been said to you on the matter. It must make things so much worse.

Your MIL is ofcourse entitled to spend her money how she wants. I can however understand why it's a bitter pill to swallow. She's banging on about DGC (which obviously being concieved via ivf cost lots of money) which is hard in itself, but while she's got money to burn, you've spent all yours. I'd probably feel the same way.

Although you're desperate for a baby, I don't think it would be wise to let your MIL pay for any rounds of ivf. Simply because if it didn't work it would be another stick she could beat you with. Something like "I even paid for ivf for you and I still have no DGC!" coz then you'd have to kill her.

Get your DH to tell her to stop going on to you both. It isn't fair. However she feels, I'm sure you and your DH feel worse. ((((hugs)))) to you.

Original poster
imusthavebeenahorribleperson · 17/04/2012 21:04

Thankyou for caring & answering me.

Firstly, its her son that's infertile. I am ok. He has talked until he is blue in the face but it falls on deaf ears.

She just says she's earned her holidays, that the horse needed a home & that the current car wasn't right for her needs. Funnily enough, she did drag me round to a breeder at the weekend in the hope of buying herself a new puppy. She knows we have run out of money.

The NHS didn't pay a single penny. We even had to pay for the initial investigative blood tests at the GP surgery at the very start in order to be referred.

We looked into adoption about 5 years ago. I have been & am still working as a nanny for 20 years & was told by all council & private agencies that this completely goes against me I would be rejected. They all decided that IF I would return to work, I would prioritise the 'charge' over the child I adopted.

Another option that has been taken away from me.

I don't want to ask her for a loan but thankyou for the idea. If she wanted to help, she would offer.

OP posts:
chipsandmushypeas · 17/04/2012 21:09

Could Sperm donor be an option of he's the infertile one?

Babylon1 · 17/04/2012 21:11

My heart goes out to you OP, it sounds like you are a truly lovely person in an impossible position.
I hope some good news comes your way soon xx Smile

thisisyesterday · 17/04/2012 21:13

wow!
i can't say i know a huge amount about adopting, but that doesn't sound right??

Maryz · 17/04/2012 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
imusthavebeenahorribleperson · 17/04/2012 21:15

It's the cost of buying sperm that has been screened for things like cystic fibrosis & HIV that bumps up the cost.

We had that from private & council agencies. Soul destroying.

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingBunnies · 17/04/2012 21:16

She sounds like a very selfish, ignorant individual. Why "must" it always be the woman with the "problem" anyway? Hmm

Have you said anything to her yourself? Very bluntly? I'd avoid her like the plague myself. Why should you feel shitty because she can't keep her stupid mouth shut?

I'm shocked you were told you couldn't adopt. Being a nanny I'd have thought you'd be a brilliant candidate for adoption. Confused Mind you, if you're anything like my friend you're probably fed up with people saying, "oh you can't have babies? Why don't you adopt then?" like it's that easy.

Original poster
imusthavebeenahorribleperson · 17/04/2012 21:17

I will join in with adoption thread of MN. Thankyou for the invite. That was sweet of you. I would entertain the idea again if it was more positive.

See you another day. Been a long (emotional) day & I need to eat some tea.

OP posts:
Maryz · 17/04/2012 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Midori1999 · 17/04/2012 21:23

I cannot fathom how cruel a woman must be to even mention Grandchildren in this way to someone who cannot concieve, she sounds selfish and wicked, regardless of the money issue.

I really feel for you OP, but as has been said, I think you are better leaving your MIL out of it and just ask her to shut up next time she mentions it. Or ask your husband to tell her.

Mollieflanders · 17/04/2012 21:23

Am I missing something but surely a sperm donation is a better plan than adoption for lots of reasons, not least teh sheer hell that is the screening process?

Why are you selling your house to pay fpr IVF if it's only he that has the problem?