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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I tell him without being unreasonable?

37 replies

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh · 16/04/2012 21:06

Sitting here curling my toes up in annoyance as I do every evening I sit with dh and watch TV together. He is a lovely bloke and a great dad, but his habit is driving me mad and has done for some time now. The problem is he can't breathe through his nose for some reason and so noisily breathes out of his mouth. It is like being in the room with Darth Vader! Plus his jaw hangs slackly open, he gets about 3 chins and he looks like a gormless idiot. All I can hear all evening is his bloody breathing and it winds me up. I can't tell him though because it is so petty and bitchy - the poor man can't do anything about it! He must think I am the most easy going wife ever as I am always suggesting he goes out to the pub, round to a mate's house - just so I don't have to sit here all evening listening to him.

ANyone got any ideas how I can tell him how annoying it is without being a prize bitch? He also eats noisily because of it which also winds me up.

I reaslise this is a small thing on the scale of things but I am about to go to bed just to get away from the rasping!

OP posts:
featherbag · 16/04/2012 21:10

Why not drop into conversation that you'd read an article about someone with his 'problem' getting successfully treated after going to the GP, then asking if he'd like you to make an appointment? Just drop it in all matter-of-fact, not letting your annoyance show, then be honest (but kind!) if he asks you if it bothers you.

NatashaBee · 16/04/2012 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyCatHasStaff · 16/04/2012 21:12

Why can't he breathe through his nose? Does he also have sleep apnoea? If he does, you could maybe approach it from that angle and suggest he talk to his GP.

Original poster
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh · 16/04/2012 21:13

Yes he snores so badly we have seperate rooms and have done for some time.

OP posts:
HerrenatheHHHarridan · 16/04/2012 21:15

It sounds like this is actually damaging the way you feel about him TBH. I think it would be for the best if you broached the subject - tactfully, thoughtfully, sensitively, whatever.

Anything's better for your mental health than sitting there brooding on the faults of your partner....

Original poster
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh · 16/04/2012 21:15

I have tried the doctor angle but being a man he hates going to the doctor and doesn't think it is a problem. I don't think he even realises it is unusual not to be able to breathe through his nose. He can't smell or taste very well because of it either so is not always the freshest smelling.

OP posts:
peeriebear · 16/04/2012 21:15

You could phrase it as you would love to share a bed with him at night and are worried about sleep apnoea? Also "I've noticed more and more you are breathing quite loudly and it's worrying, I think we should sort this out once and for all for your sake".

JustHecate · 16/04/2012 21:15

I agree, go medical and concerned that it's not normal. Then you get to keep your Wonderful And Not At All Petty Person badge Grin

JustHecate · 16/04/2012 21:16

oh, xpost. Well, tell him that it is disturbing you and he really needs to go in order to put your mind at ease.

RevoltingPeasant · 16/04/2012 21:17

Can't sleep apnoea be linked to some quite dangerous conditions? Or did I dream that?

Original poster
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh · 16/04/2012 21:18

I'm going to have to do something like that - we have been together 20 years, just not sure why it has suddenly started driving me mad?

OP posts:
blapbird · 16/04/2012 21:19

It sounds like you find him quite repulsive- are you still attracted to him, are you still compatible?

MyCatHasStaff · 16/04/2012 21:19

Sleep apnoea can be quite dangerous sometimes, yes. A GP would take it seriously. Tbh, it sounds like he needs his andenoids/tonsils out.

FrillyMilly · 16/04/2012 21:22

When do you spend time together if you have seperate rooms and you prefer him out in the evening?

My mum told me your teeth go crooked if you sit with your mouth wide open instead of breathing through your nose. Took me about ten years to realise she was lying.

dreamingbohemian · 16/04/2012 21:23

I'm sorry, but this just sounds so very odd. He snores so bad you have separate rooms, he can't smell or taste, and has to breathe through his mouth? And this is an acceptable state of affairs for him???

Obviously you need to raise it in the most loving terms, but I think you should just tell him that you are no longer happy with the massive impact this medical problem of his and it is a medical problem! is having on your shared quality of life.

There are some very straightforward treatments that could probably sort this quite easily. A friend of mine for example had an outpatient treatment that means she can smell and taste and breathe for the first time in years.

Tell him it's not manly to suffer needlessly, just madness.

Original poster
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh · 16/04/2012 21:25

We get on great, just had another baby so maybe the sleep deprivation is making me more irritable than usual. He has been fantastic during the pregnancy, birth and after so I feel really guilty and horrible for feeling this way about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh · 16/04/2012 21:26

He has been like this all his life so yes, I think he just accepts it.

OP posts:
IWishIWasSheRa · 16/04/2012 21:27

I am just like your husband I have had 2 operations to help but basically my nasal canals are narrow and don't allow me to fill my lungs enough so run out of breath with my mouth closed! No suggestions on how to deal with it apart from focus on the good bits!! X

Original poster
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh · 16/04/2012 21:28

We spend loads of time together as I don't work and he is self-employed so home by about 4pm most days and around all weekend. I don't notice it when there is noise going on in the day it's just once everyone is in bed and we sit down for an hour or 2 of telly.

OP posts:
katnisseverdeen · 16/04/2012 21:28

I agree with getting him to a doctor, I'm sure he's fine but my brother had sleep apnoea for years and we all used to joke about his snoring and is darth vadar breathing. Then one night he died in his sleep, it was the sleep apnoea that killed him, it was such a waste of a life that could have been prevented Sad

Bambino81 · 16/04/2012 21:29

My brother had a problem with not being able to breath out of his nose and he had to have a horrid operation, they basically scraped away some of the inside of his nose... horrid.

As someone else said, you seem to think he's disgusting for this? Do you think maybe you don't find him attractive anymore?

I know it must be annoying but you seem a bit hard on him :/

Original poster
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh · 16/04/2012 21:29

IWish - yes this is his problem I think, when we did discuss it once he said that if he tries to breathe through his nose he gets dizzy and lightheaded and can't get enough air in.

OP posts:
Original poster
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh · 16/04/2012 21:32

Bambino, sounds like a lot to put someone through - I will try to be less irritable, think tiredness is not helping. Great to get some other perspectives on this. We have been together 20 years and I don't find this habit attractive - I don't think it's a deal breaker though.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 16/04/2012 21:34

Kat I'm so sorry about your brother, how awful Sad

OP please scare your DH into seeing a doctor. You can't possibly know whether this is harmless or not.

edwinbear · 16/04/2012 21:34

I suffered from the same thing as a child and had my nasal lining trimmed at 17, the first time I breathed through my nose was when they ripped took the packing out. DH has the same thing, as does his dad, he spends all evening and night sniffing and snorting, eats like a horse and has breath so bad I can smell it from about 6 foot away. Will he go to the doctor and have the same operation? Will he hell.