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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my dh is a twunt??

46 replies

Bellstar · 16/04/2012 12:45

Have posted before about my supposed "dh" and his attitude.

Huge resentment from him as I am a sahm and he is sole earner but refuses to discuss compromise or how we would manage if we both worked etc.

Also sees all money as his-I live off him according to himI only have cb in my account-if I run out of money before end of month I get £10Hmm

We had a petty row las night as he stayed up drinking til 2am on sat-playing music v loudly which kept me awake.

When he came to bed last night he made a snide comment again about how I should switch tv off as he had to get up for "work" in the morning-was 9pm btw!.

I lost my temper and pointed out that I also had to get up in the morning to get dcs back to school and I just got a look of disdain and but you dont work do you eh eh?

He was also in a bad mood as I told him to wash dishes-I had already washed 2 sinks full. I was surprised he did it actually-usually does it at xmas only-not joking!

AARGHHHH!! just venting really-am fed up trying to explaining to him my role at home...

OP posts:
Callisto · 16/04/2012 12:48

Why don't you work though? Especially if your children are school age. And why do you need his permission to get a job?

Shanghaidiva · 16/04/2012 12:49

Let me be the first to say it - leave the bastard.

Shanghaidiva · 16/04/2012 12:50

Seriously, I could not live like that. Does he have any redeeming features?

jodidi · 16/04/2012 12:52

I would be getting a job.

Original poster
Bellstar · 16/04/2012 12:52

Callisto-2 of my dcs not at school-and it is against the law to leave dcs home aloneHmm

I have worked out sums and its not financially worth me going back to work-childcare for 3 is extortionate. Dhs answer to this is his parents will watch the dcs-inlaws have made it perfectly clear that they will not!

I am perfectly happy being a sahm for the moment-I just dont want to be treated like a bit of shit because I dont work outside the home...

OP posts:
redyam · 16/04/2012 12:54

Get a job! You will feel better for it.

butterfingerz · 16/04/2012 12:58

I'm a SAHM, mine are preschool age. I'm studying for a degree but would love to go back to work too! Why don't you or go back to school? For yourself, not your husband of course.

Are you going to do anything about your relationship though? I'm sure I've seen one of your other posts.

Typically 'women's work' is massively undervalued by most in today's society, even women. Feminism has done little to readdress this, if anything has made it worse.

I'm really not sure the answer to your problem, looking after children is the most important job anyone can ever do. No one could ever replace you as a mother but an employer could fill your husbands position in a breath!

GetTheeToANunnery · 16/04/2012 12:59

Ask yourself if you can ever see a time when he appreciates your role at home. Will he ever treat you with the respect you deserve?
If the answer is no then you have a lot to think about...

Original poster
Bellstar · 16/04/2012 12:59

I cant get a job-ffs!! read my replies please. I would not earn enough to cover childcare for 3 dcs and school hour jobs are like gold dust round here!

I dont need people coming on here and making me feel bad about being a sahm-I get enough of that at home thanks!

I was looking for advice on how to deal with dhs shitty attitude-or at least for some one to tell me that I am not alone and they have a crap dh tooGrin

OP posts:
Callisto · 16/04/2012 13:01

Hmm to you. Your op only refered to school age children. You're being treated like shit because you are allowing it and your husband may well have a different take on your inability to afford childcare as a couple.

ENormaSnob · 16/04/2012 13:01

What did you agree re wohm/sahm before dc arrived?

Sounds like your dh really wants you to get a job.

Original poster
Bellstar · 16/04/2012 13:02

I already have a degree-though it is very unlikely that I would be able to work on that area again anyway due to cuts. I am doing some voluntary work later this year within a playgroup as this is the career I would like to have ideally.

Your are right-I dont think my dh will ever changeSad

OP posts:
butterfingerz · 16/04/2012 13:03

Sorry, mine was a x-post.

Well it's your DH that is diminishing your self esteem, not other people, you need to take a stand and do something about it.

LingDiLong · 16/04/2012 13:04

Ok, being a SAHM is NOT the problem here, this is a red herring. The problem is indeed the fact that the OP's DH is a twunt. He will still be a twunt if you work. Only you will have even more on your plate attempting to juggle housework/childcare/AND work. Oh and I bet the childcare costs would have to come out of your pay so you wouldn't even be any better of financially!!

If your DH is a selfish twat he won't magically morph into a caring, sensitive individual when you go back to work.

Original poster
Bellstar · 16/04/2012 13:05

Callisto-apologies I didnt clarify-no need fo humphy face. I have 1 dc at school,1 in nursery-so 2 hours a morning and 1 at home. Dh has no spare cash to put towards childcare-all his wage is spent on bills/food etc so whatever I earned would have to cover it.

I made it perfectly clear to dh from very early on in our relationship-long before dcs came along-that I wanted to be a sahm so I certainly didnt decieve him in anyway.

OP posts:
butterfingerz · 16/04/2012 13:05

Could you do a post-grad or a conversion course, what is your degree in?

squashedbanana · 16/04/2012 13:06

I know where you're coming from Bellstar. I was 13 weeks pregnant and my exdp was talking about how soon I would be going back to work after the baby was born. He almost crashed the car in spinning his head to look at me when I said I wasn't sure yet. TBH it was early days and I hadn't thought about it.

Being a SAHM is a demanding, important, full time job that isn't appreciated enough. I can't believe the people on here telling you to go and get a job, that it is the answer/will make you feel better. Regardless of that, what about your DPs attitude?! It stinks!

At the moment working isn't an option because of childcare, the same for a LOT of SAHMs.

As for your DP, I would be going on strike until he appreciated you a lot more and starts to realise just how much you do

butterfingerz · 16/04/2012 13:08

I'm just thinking, you need to spend time on your own interests. It's easy as a SAHM to become a servant to everyone else's needs and you end up bottom of the pile. You have my sympathies.

Original poster
Bellstar · 16/04/2012 13:08

My degree is in english and media studies but tbh I am not interested in using it-I was interested in teaching but dont know how feasible that would be? I do want to work with children which is why I am volunteering as will at least be something to put on cv eventually.

OP posts:
Callisto · 16/04/2012 13:10

My 'humphy' face was in reply to your original one. Your husband is a wanker, but I don't find you particularly likeable either.

Original poster
Bellstar · 16/04/2012 13:11

I need to go out now but thanks to those who have taken the time to post so far. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
butterfingerz · 16/04/2012 13:13

And it's all too easy to say, 'leave the bastard', when you're actually financially dependant on them and have 3 kids together.

Doing something aside from your job as a SAHM would boost your self esteem, something your DH won't be doing anytime soon, even if you do confront him. Can't teach an old dog new tricks and all that.

AutumnSummers · 16/04/2012 13:16

I agree with Ling. wether you work or not isn't relevant to the fact that his general attitude toward you seems to be one of muck on shoe.

JuliaScurr · 16/04/2012 13:17

Ling you're right
Butter Eleanor Rathbone introduced Family Allowance (now Child Benefit) after WW2 as a way to get money 'from the wallet to the purse'; an explicitly feminist position
Feminists have been distinguished by an insistence that domestic labour/childcare is economically vital work

ENormaSnob · 16/04/2012 13:17

I feel a bit sorry for your dp tbh.

I would hate to have to support dh if he decided he wanted to be a sahd and I didn't get a say in the matter. It is a lot of pressure, especially atm.

Rightly or wrongly I just wouldn't want to go to work whilst dh stayed at home. I wouldn't want the responsibility and I would be resentful.

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