Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to think my dh is a twunt??

46 replies

Bellstar · 16/04/2012 12:45

Have posted before about my supposed "dh" and his attitude.

Huge resentment from him as I am a sahm and he is sole earner but refuses to discuss compromise or how we would manage if we both worked etc.

Also sees all money as his-I live off him according to himI only have cb in my account-if I run out of money before end of month I get £10

We had a petty row las night as he stayed up drinking til 2am on sat-playing music v loudly which kept me awake.

When he came to bed last night he made a snide comment again about how I should switch tv off as he had to get up for "work" in the morning-was 9pm btw!.

I lost my temper and pointed out that I also had to get up in the morning to get dcs back to school and I just got a look of disdain and but you dont work do you eh eh?

He was also in a bad mood as I told him to wash dishes-I had already washed 2 sinks full. I was surprised he did it actually-usually does it at xmas only-not joking!

AARGHHHH!! just venting really-am fed up trying to explaining to him my role at home...

OP posts:

AutumnSummers · 16/04/2012 13:20

Norma you're assuming that OP and her DP didn't discuss her being a sAHM when they first had children. They may not have discussed it, but why are you just assuming that they didn't?

bigjoeent · 16/04/2012 13:21

No advice to give on d(?)p but on working later. I'm in a similar position as a SAHM whose salary wouldn't cover the childcare for younger DC (before anyone starts that its a joint cost, yes it is but from a cost benefit analysis it costs more on a financial and personal level for me to work than it doesn't and DH agrees).

I'm thinking of going into teaching once they are at school. I'm volunteering to see if I like it and build up some experience, in my DC school at present, an afternoon here and there when I can get cover. Once they go to playgroup, (unless the 15 hours free a week is cut as well but thats another rant) I will increase this. Would you be able to do this now / later? I know you're going to volunteer at a playgroup , great, but consider your other childrens school. Get onto to the teacher training website, it will give you some idea of courses, qualifications etc. All of the courses require some experience in school before they will consider you. They also run open days with speakers etc. Would PIL cover you for some voluntary work etc if it wil help you into a career later?

I'm thinking of starting at the teaching assistant level whilst they are still young, building up my quals and career as they get older. Good luck.

Neverever · 16/04/2012 13:22

Yes he does sound like a twunt, but agree with other posters that you have allowed this to an extent. You also appear to be very defensive, when posters have offered advice you appear to be slightly aggressive in your tone. This may be your way of coping with your situation?

ENormaSnob · 16/04/2012 13:27

Autumn, see ops post at 13.05.

She told her smdh prior to kids that she was going to be a sahm.

Doesn't sound like there was much discussion there to me. Plus, things change. Circumstances don't always allow us to do the things we want.

MissFaversham · 16/04/2012 13:51

OP, it sounds like your hubby is a right sexist arse to be honest.

If I were you I'd look into some sort of teacher training. Do that and put kids in Nursery using my salary just to get out of the house and gain some independence back.

Or kick him out of the door.

mumatron · 16/04/2012 13:51

Your dp knew that you were planning on being a sahm when you had dc so unless his job/pay have changed since that agreement then he is being a dick.

Even if he did think it would be better for you to get a job, why isn't he speaking to you like an adult? Instead of throwing strops and making snidey comments.

I have been the one out working while dp stayed home and I did not enjoy it, but it was best for our circumstances at that time. I would never even consider taking it out on dp though.

Your DH is entitled to have a say in whether or not you work but he is not entitled to make you feel shitty when your doing what you agreed.

Bramshott · 16/04/2012 14:04

I couldn't live like that TBH. I'd be making plans to be self-supporting (eg. getting the necessary volunteer work under your belt so that when your youngest is at nursery and older 2 at school you have a plan and know what you're going to do and what qualifications you need to do it) so that you have options. Being a SAHM is only a good long-term choice if there is mutual support (both financial and emotional) and respect.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/04/2012 14:14

It might be worth doing the sums and pointing out how expensive it will be for him if you split up. He would also have to do his own dishes. I personally wouldn't put up with this bollocks.

Snakeonaplane · 16/04/2012 14:21

It really depends what you've agreed about being a SAHM, if he agreed to it then YANBU.

I continue going to work despite my dc being small enough to need me at home because I know that at the end when they're all at school I'll still have a career. Sometimes I'd love to give up but OTH it would have to be something we both agreed to. It's a big commitment from the person who continues to go to work.

That said there is no need for his nastiness he could talk about it like a grown up. Sounds like he resents supporting you

AutumnSummers · 16/04/2012 14:22

what Mumatron said.

wordfactory · 16/04/2012 14:22

OP your DH is clearly very resentful at you being a SAHM.

You need to sit down and discuss this with him. And I mean a proper discussion. Not you telling him that you have no intention to work. Or him telling you that you should get a job.

A discussion. Where you both listen.

frumpet · 16/04/2012 14:40

Hang on a minute , are the children his ? is he the biological father ? If he is , then you need to point out to him that you are supporting him , by looking after them so he can work . I take it you didnt trick him three times into having a baby ?
Your DH needs to grow up , he is a father and by providing financially he is supporting his children , you as their mother are doing everything else to support them .
If i were you i would be very tempted to drop them all off at his place of work , better if there is a reception and let him work out the logistics of finding and paying for childcare , tell him you got a last minute job interview

frumpet · 16/04/2012 14:54

The problem you have OP is with two not in school you are looking at £9 an hour ish for childcare , plus wrap round care for the one at school , depending on the hours you might work . And remember that a childminder would still charge you for the hours your middle child is in nursery . If you dont get a job working school hours with the school holidays off , then in the summer you will be paying out around £13.50 an hour , you could well end up paying out more than you earn . Does your DH realise this , that your financial contribution will be slim and in certain months he may have to pay for some of the childcare out of 'his' money ?

LydiaWickham · 16/04/2012 15:00

err, I dont understand, how could the childcare costs just be your costs to pay? Either he arranges for his parents to look after the DCs, he pays half the childcare out of 'his' money, or he accepts it's cheaper to have you do it and so give you access to more money (Which I assume would be less than childcare costs).

If he keeps saying his parents will do it, get him to ask them.

Start looking for a job, you need to be less dependant on this man. Even if you are dependant on him paying childcare, it gives you more control.

porcamiseria · 16/04/2012 15:01

really, think about getting a job

he sounds like a cunt and you will need the money

if he does not like it, explain you want your own money and are tired of being belittled

but dont stand for it, he wanted kids right? and then he wants them cared foir by their mum? he has no fucking right to belittle you

frumpet · 16/04/2012 15:05

Have to say , that i pay all childcare out of my wage , about half what i earn goes on childcare. DH pays all bills/rent and alot of the groceries etc . He does earn 5 times what i earn though . The reason i pay for childcare is because i wanted to work , DH didnt see the need for me to do so , he said he would of been happy for me to be a sahm . I only work part-time though .

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 16/04/2012 15:12

If your DH agreed with you that it would be best for you to be a SAHM then he should be appreciating it now.

If he's changed his mind or you're not satisfied now then discuss you looking for work and him giving up his job to be a SAHD when you find one.

If he didn't want you staying at home then you would've/should've fully come to a mutual compromise surely?

redexpat · 16/04/2012 17:34

I think a huge part of this problem is that OPs H doesn't see what she does as work, as a contribution. I would make an invoice, record all the hours a day that you work and calculate what he would "owe" you at minimum wage.

Does this man have any redeeming features?

manicbmc · 16/04/2012 17:41

What Red said. Also he sounds like a twat.

Sarcalogos · 16/04/2012 17:50

He sounds horrible.

I'm sorry people have been having a go at you.

You sound vulnerable to me, you need to seriously reevaluate, think about what is best for you and your DCs. Leave him out of the equation for a bit. Get planning the future you want. (and that may or may not involve getting a job).

JuliaScurr · 16/04/2012 18:13

Agree, it's because domestic labour and childcare are not recognised as economcally essential.

Flip

1 2