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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To talk about cleanliness with my sister?

42 replies

startwig1982 · 28/03/2012 10:01

My dsis house is a shocking, dirty place. She rarely cleans and has piles if stuff everywhere so it's hard to go from one room to another. Her kitchen is filthy: the floor is never washed, the washing up is always in a great pile, the surfaces are greasy and grim, the cat's litter box doesn't get emptied... The list goes on. The rest of the house smells disgusting and the carpets are all stained. Dsis wants me to go round with DS(9.5 mo) more often but I just can't face it. There's nowhere clean for DS to play/sit and the mess is awful. Should I offer to help her clean the house or point out how awful it is, or just say nothing? I really don't know what to do and I don't want to upset her. Btw, my house is far from perfect but at least it gets cleaned once a week!

OP posts:

bringbacksideburns · 28/03/2012 10:02

I would offer to help her clean it up. Could she be a bit depressed or down or has it always been like this?

betterwhenthesunshines · 28/03/2012 10:06

Does she seem OK with it? You could offer to help her make a start, but unless she sees it as a problem it's only going to get bad again surely.

Original poster

startwig1982 · 28/03/2012 10:19

She cleaned at Christmas but I don't think she's cleaned since.

OP posts:

exexe · 28/03/2012 10:22

Why does she not clean? Is she depressed? lazy?

I would offer to help if it was my sister and then suggest getting a cleaner once a week if she can't manage it.

fussbucket · 28/03/2012 10:23

Eeek, when I first saw this I was suspicious that you were my sister! Cos I haven't really cleaned properly since the great Christmas tidy.

Is it unusual for your sister to be so messy and dirty?

Original poster

startwig1982 · 28/03/2012 10:28

Her room when we were teenagers was always messy. She just doesn't think about it, I think. Now she has a house, the whole place is foul. I don't want to upset her but she needs to sort it out as she's always getting ill, as is her dd.

OP posts:

PooPooInMyToes · 28/03/2012 10:31

I'll be interested in the responses as i have a brother like this.

fussbucket · 28/03/2012 10:52

Oh dear. I'm amazed she hasn't pulled her finger out now she's got a child, I was a revolting teenager/student but having the dds forced me to improve for their sake, although I'm still pretty untidy at least it's not unsafe and I keep at least one room fit for visitors.
What about saying something like 'I'll help you declutter if you help me?' Get her round to help you decide what to get rid of - you can't not have at least one or two things in the wardrobe that you ought to get shot off, everyone does - and then share a car boot sale to raise some cash
My sister and I have used this method with some success, she helped me fill the boot of my car with bin bags and boxes when I realised the dds were going to kill themselves on some of my junk when they started crawling. She only filled one bag when I went to her house, but she's always been a tidy person who gives books away when she's read them etc.
We then worked together on our mother, who I inherited the slut-gene from, it's an ongoing project but it is now possible to go to the loo and have a cup of tea at her house without catching anything nasty.

LittleWhiteMice · 28/03/2012 10:55

id say something like, i really envy how good you are colelcting stuff. why dont we have a massive clear up and throw out and maybe we can to a market together next week?

startail · 28/03/2012 10:58

If you suspect she's depressed and overwhelmed, help.
If like me she is just not a houseproud, cleaning obsessed person butt out.

fussbucket · 28/03/2012 11:10

Startail there's a difference between ordinary lived-in-ness and the slut levels described in the OP - the cat litter tray and kitchen surfaces sound like a health hazard. I'm looking round the room, there are loads of things not where they should be, the vacuum cleaner is gathering dust and the cat's asleep in the laundry, but I know the work surfaces in the kitchen and the loo are clean and the litter tray has been dealt with recently. If my youngest sister and her baby and toddler appeared I could entertain them without blushing.

DedalusDigglesPocketWatch · 28/03/2012 11:16

My mum is like this and always has been. When my dd was small i used to keep her in her carseat, then as she got bigger I would hold her, my mum realised this and put out a travel cot for her. I was very grateful!

Now we meet elsewhere.

Could taking a travel cot with you be an idea? You could just say she is into everything/puts all sorts in her mouth?

queenrollo · 28/03/2012 11:21

doing housework does not come naturally to me. In my past i've let my house get pretty bad, but it only ever got to a certain point before I donned the rubber gloves and got the bleach out and blitzed it. Then it would stay pretty clean and tidy for ages before it started to slip again. I did get much better as time went by, and while my house now looks 'lived in' it's always clean.

I have had a couple of occasions in the past when my closest friend descended on the house and chivvied me into sorting it out and it took her input to make me realise that I was depressed, and getting into a cycle of not being bothered to clean - getting more depressed because of my surroundings - it got messier - until it got so bad I would then feel utterly overwhelmed and not know where to start.

I think another thing that helped is that I hadn't realised just how untidy my ex was. My DH is much cleaner, and because there are two of us sharing the load of daily housework we stay on top of it and neither one of us ends up doing the same chores over and over. Sometimes you do need to have a 'cleaning companion' until the routine becomes second nature.

I think you should broach it with her and offer to help her clean it up, and then maybe see how she'd feel about once a week you go round for coffee and you do an hour together to keep on top of it.

I do still know people though who live in dirty, untidy houses - that smell (and I have a strong stomach) but they really do seem completely oblivious to how it seems to outsiders, and they seem perfectly happy to live like that.

Annpan88 · 28/03/2012 11:22

If she has a child, you should mention something. It could be depression, whatever it is it will be a fairly awkward conversation. offering to help would be nice. :)

MistyMountainHop · 28/03/2012 11:27

i had a friend like this.

disgusting. how can people live like it, esp with dc

i'd HAVE to say something.

OneHandFlapping · 28/03/2012 11:34

I am someone who loathes regular housework - or any regular repetitive task, with a passion. I leave things until they reach a level where even my dirt blinkers fall from my eyes, and have a blitz every few months.

However, the job becomes perilously close to overwhelming sometimes, and I would really welcome it if my sister said, "I'll do the bathroom if you do the kitchen", or some such, and kicked me into gear.

grobagsforever · 28/03/2012 11:56

Hmm if has DC then this a form of neglect if it's as bad as you say. In which you should try and do something, yes. Poor DC.

bibbityisaporker · 28/03/2012 12:00

Does she have a partner? If there are two adults in the house then they should get on with cleaning up together, I don't see why you should have to. Filthy houses are a warning sign of neglect as far as social services are concerned.

queenrollo · 28/03/2012 12:01

I do have to say that as bad as I have been in the past, I've never let my house get into a state since having DS. Clutter was part of the problem for me and I threw so much stuff away while pregnant so I found the cleaning easier to deal with.

Anonymumous · 28/03/2012 12:02

I don't know what your starting standards are. All I know is that we are quite happy with the state of our house most of the time, but MIL invariably comes round and makes pointed comments about clutter and dust and cobwebs. (We leave the webs there deliberately, because we're quite fond of our spiders, but she hates them.) We have stained carpets - we try to wash them, but they really are stained. We don't see the point in forking out a load of money to replace them while the children are young and messy - we put up with them. If someone moans about the state of the house, we show them politely to the front door - we're not forcing them to visit, and if they don't like it they can bog off! Same goes for you and your sister - if you don't like going to her house, arrange to meet her elsewhere instead.

If you think she's depressed, by all means offer to help out (without being a patronising cow about it, obviously) but it sounds to me like she just doesn't like doing the housework much. Sounds perfectly normal to me!

bibbityisaporker · 28/03/2012 12:20

No, it is foul if someone's house stinks and they hardly ever empty the litter tray. The op has said she doesn't have particularly high standards herself.

shewhowines · 28/03/2012 12:27

Queenrollo makes a god point. Perhaps it has got so bad that she is overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start. Perhaps she is depressed.

I'd offer to give her a hand and then once it's clean and tidy it is up to her to maintain it. If she doesn't, then you've done your best and can arrange to meet elsewhere.

I also second having a subtle chat with her about whether she is feeling depressed or not.

birthdaygurl · 28/03/2012 12:30

I would speak to her and offer to help. I give my house a blitz once a week and do bits throughout the week, I am no domestic godess. It can be hard to get started once it gets so bad, I think.

Original poster

startwig1982 · 28/03/2012 13:44

Thanks for thoughts! I think she possibly is depressed and doesn't have many friends to go out with and enjoy herself. I'm going to approach the subject and see if we can at least clean the kitchen and sitting room.

OP posts:

CreepyWeeBrackets · 28/03/2012 13:59

My sister is like this. She is the happiest lady in the world and sees no problem with the state of her house at all. Mainly because all her friends are even bloody worse. Most of these people have had children taken away or are under scrutiny.

Four days worth of dinner plates un-scraped and congealing on the kitchen surfaces? Fine. Friends have ten. No space to sit in the sitting room because there are fifteen bin-bags of laundry there? Well, she is being a good person and washing things.

Three days after her DC2 was born there were ten bottles in greasy cold water in the sink with cat hairs floating in it at two in the afternoon along with the usual shite. The baby was roaring but she wouldn't get up from the television and wash a bottle because it hadn't been five hours since the last feed.

Cat shit or sick on the bedclothes? It stays there all day while she is in town buying tat until the children come home and get it on them.

Some people are just utterly lazy. Hope you can help, OP, and that you don't end up doing it all the time as my parents have had to do for the past decade.

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