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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to throw a baby shower?

57 replies

ProfCoxWouldGetIt · 20/03/2012 10:49

My best friend is about 5 months pregnant, and I know that for the last 10 years it's all shes wanted from life.

I am over the moon for her and her DH, and wanted to host a baby shower for her.

I contacted a few of her friends and suggested it, and not one can be bothered to turn up, excuses range from "I'm ill" (I've not even discussed dates at this stage), "It's a long way to travel" and even "I didn't think people did that sort of thing anymore"

Now I don't expect everyone to drop their lives and come along, but I thought at least one other would be interested in celebrating this with her.

Firstly - am I right to be annoyed at the complete lack of interest in my friends long awaited and wished for pregnancy?

and Secondly - Should I plod along and try and arrange something anyway (basically be a nag) or should I just treat her to a nice lunch/ pregnancy friendly pamper day and a hamper of new bits for her new arrival?

OP posts:

Teeb · 20/03/2012 11:00

I think if you want to do something nice for her then that's great, but if the feedback you've had already from others is that it's not at the top of their agenda right now then leave the big party.

Hotpotpie · 20/03/2012 11:07

This is a personal opinion and obviously not shared by lots of people but I hate baby showers, they make people feel obliged to buy presents and I think thats a lot of the reason why they are unpopular - Im due any time now and I actually asked a friend to stop organising one for me a couple of weeks ago for that reason, however like I say thats a personal belief - if friends are ducking out already though it sounds like they share similar thoughts, Id go with a pamper day - with all the back ache etc I know that I would have worshipped a friend that arranged a day like that for me :)

AwkwardMary · 20/03/2012 11:10

I am with Hotpie this is not a tradition that has been a part of life in the UK and many people do not like the sentiment behind it....it''s a celebration...yes...very nice...but it's also a present giving festival and not many people are comfortable with that.

You should probably have a little get together for her but make it known it's NOT a shower and presents are not needed.

lynlynnicebutdim · 20/03/2012 11:13

if other friends wont play along, take her for afternoon tea somewhere nice (lots of the boutique hotels do afternoon tea now) where she can indulge her pregnancy cake fixation (or is that just me) and drink nice tea.

Hoebag · 20/03/2012 11:13

I had a baby shower meal , I can understand people feeling uncomfortable with the present giving side but when my mates have kids I / they know I will spoil them with baby showers so I didnt feel that cheekly.

GinPalace · 20/03/2012 11:15

Agree - baby showers are a bit odd where I come from, traditionally it is considered bad luck to jinx the pregnancy by celebrating too early, a bit like not putting the cot up too early or having the pram in the house before baby is born - that said, once the baby arrives everyone is enthusiastic and brings gifts.

I would squirm if anyone threw a baby shower for me - the name makes my toes curl (but that could just be me).

It is nice you want to acknowledge this major happy event for your friend, but others' suggestions of doing it in a more creative way might be the way forward - unless she just has some rubbish mates.

JasperJohns · 20/03/2012 11:16

My opinion is that it's an American thing and most people are not that comfortable with the idea. Whenever I see them on tv I think they're a bit ott!

How many presents are we supposed to give now? Obv you buy when the baby is born, so with baby showers you have to get something before too?

CornflowerB · 20/03/2012 11:18

Also, although I know baby showers are becoming more popular, they are often viewed as an American import and not really the cultural norm in this part of the world. I think people prefer to wait and celebrate after the event - 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched' etc. Sadly things can and do go wrong and many people are very aware of that. You sound like a lovely friend to want to do it for her, but I would just treat her to something yourself.

RalphLeGnu · 20/03/2012 11:18

It's a lovely thought, but a lot of people do think baby showers are a bit naff. I think in this country people prefer to give their gifts once the baby has been born and they can get to have a coo over the baby, I'm sure it's not that they don't care.

How about arranging a surprise meal out for her? I bet you'd find a lot more people would be willing to turn up.

BTW you sound like a lovely friend.

Pootles2010 · 20/03/2012 11:20

Yes I'd be inclined to agree with Ralph. Do something nice, just drop the (imo) naff name.

surroundedbyblondes · 20/03/2012 11:20

Take her for a nice afternoon of pampering/cake just the two of you. No need to drag people along who are going to be grumpy about it. It's one of those 'culturally sensitive' things along the lines of gift lists etc. (for the record I personally think that they are a good idea) that seem to get peoples' knickers in a right twist.

Luckily she has a nice friend like you to make a special fuss of her and hopefully her other friends will be able to share her joy once the lo arrives.

Rachy1983 · 20/03/2012 11:21

My sister is throwing a baby shower for myself and my partner in may and has had a great response from friends and family, they were already asking us what we wanted for our baby (it's our first) and so this is a great way of everyone getting together, playing a few silly games like baby bingo and munching treats provided by me :-) instead of just turning up with gifts and drinking a cuppa :-b I think if people are not keen then ur pamper idea is fantastic and she will of course love the treat and the pamper! You sound like a great friend! Goodluck x

redwineformethanks · 20/03/2012 11:21

You can't force other people to join in and your friend won't like it if you put pressure on her other friends, even with good intentions. I'd take her out on your own, for a special afternoon tea or similar.

BrianCoxHasScaryHair · 20/03/2012 11:25

OP - can you get her immediates (mum, sister, aunts) involved?

I am also organising a shower for my friend and so far her relatives and friends are extremely excited about it. Luckily!

The one thing we didn't want it to be about was 'presents', Friend has everything ready and bought for DS2, she just wanted to see her female family/friends and have a natter and all enjoy the excitement with her of the impending birth.

I went to a shower a few weeks ago and the 'gift' was either your favourite childhood book or a poem that means something to you about motherhood.

It was lovely - low cost and just a nice evening spent with friends.

Baby showers can be tacky - but so can birthday parties/any celebration. However, the American way of doing the shower is to help the mum to be, eg bring her freezable meals or something to assist in the first exhausting weeks of having a newborn.

I personally, like that idea.

Dozer · 20/03/2012 11:31

Don't do it, just do something nice for her instead.

helloclitty · 20/03/2012 11:47

I hate baby showers and have never been to one, so I am not surprised you are getting that response.

Original poster

ProfCoxWouldGetIt · 20/03/2012 11:50

Thanks everyone for your replies, just to clarify, when I contacted her friends I didn't mention pressies or even the dreaded phrase of "Baby Shower" I just said would everyone like to meet up for a girlie lunch to celebrate friends imminent arrival.

But I have looked around, and I think I'll book us a spa session and a cream tea afterwards, and we can have a bit of a girls day out instead.

I guess I was just a bit sad that people who she considers close friends don't want to celebrate this wonderful event with her.

OP posts:

GinPalace · 20/03/2012 11:55

It does seem a shame - but at least she has you - you sound fab!

Maybe they just don't 'get' the big deal-ness of it. Or maybe they are fun-sponges who can't see a good excuse for some girly social time if it comes up and bites them on the bum! I would go for sure angling for a rent-a-friend invitation !!!

Pootles2010 · 20/03/2012 12:15

Ah that does sound nice then, you do sound a great friend! Love Brian's idea of a present being favourite book/poem, how thoughtful.

Just a quick point - make sure your friend will be able to use the spa, a lot of places are very funny about it!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 20/03/2012 13:02

I went to the huge trouble of organising a baby shower for a friend a few months ago. Originally we had over 20 yes's in reply but on the day only 4 turned up, including the pregnant one! I was really upset. Some had genuine reasons for not being there but many didn't seem to imo.

What I'm saying is I would prefer to be in your position than the one I was in OP, as at least you have the answers in advance and can plan a treat for your friend accordingly.

Original poster

ProfCoxWouldGetIt · 20/03/2012 13:33

I do love Brians idea about the book, I'll contact them and see if it's something they might consider doing.

The spa I booked is all geared up for pregnant mummies, and I actually went to them when I was a week overdue, my lovely DP booked it for me because he could see how miserable I was (I couldn't drive or walk, and was stuck with people calling constantly asking if anything had started yet) One of the many reasons I love that man :)

Hex I think it's really bad that people do that - about 5 years ago I arranged the Hen Party for the same friend (hmmm maybe that's why they're not coming it was a messy night) and 30 people accepted, I worked out the costs and asked everyone to bring £40 with them, that covered the beautician in the morning (2 treatements each), Lunch and drinkies, entrance into the comedy act we went to see and dinner, and a good portion of drinks for the evening, I'd paid it all up front myself. At least 10 didn't bother to show up, with no apology, and of course no money, and a few forgot their money at home, I ended up being over £500 down that night, and was really disappointed especially as everyone had agreed and said they were happy with the cost, well in advance.

OP posts:

5Foot5 · 20/03/2012 13:35

"I guess I was just a bit sad that people who she considers close friends don't want to celebrate this wonderful event with her."

But she hasn't had the wonderful event yet has she? No doubt many of these friends will be forthcoming with pressies once the baby arrives because they will want to come and see the LO. But, I'm sorry, I am another one who finds the baby shower thing all a bit tacky.

Aworryingtrend · 20/03/2012 13:52

YANBU and it is sad that the 'friends' don't want to give up an afternoon to have a get together. Your spa and afternoon tea idea sounds absolutely lovely and I am sure she will be very touched by the trouble you've gone to. I am pregnant and I can't imagine my friends doing this!

Aworryingtrend · 20/03/2012 13:52

By 'doing this' I meant organising a lovely suprise as you are.

fedupofnamechanging · 20/03/2012 14:07

I think a lot of people are superstitious about celebrating a birth before it's actually happened.

Also, I'm sure people are happy for your friend, but (and sorry if I sound mean), someone else's pg is not a big deal for other people and they probably don't want to give up an afternoon to play pg related games (some of the ones on American telly make me vom) - it's not part of British culture and most people won't have had this themselves, so won't really see the point of it.

That said, I'm sure they'll be thrilled to visit and spoil your friend and celebrate, once the baby has arrived.

If I was pg, I would love the idea of a spa day, so I think you are right to stick with that.

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