To want to throw a baby shower?

[ProfCoxWouldGetIt]

My best friend is about 5 months pregnant, and I know that for the last 10 years it's all shes wanted from life.

I am over the moon for her and her DH, and wanted to host a baby shower for her.

I contacted a few of her friends and suggested it, and not one can be bothered to turn up, excuses range from "I'm ill" (I've not even discussed dates at this stage), "It's a long way to travel" and even "I didn't think people did that sort of thing anymore"

Now I don't expect everyone to drop their lives and come along, but I thought at least one other would be interested in celebrating this with her.

Firstly - am I right to be annoyed at the complete lack of interest in my friends long awaited and wished for pregnancy?

and Secondly - Should I plod along and try and arrange something anyway (basically be a nag) or should I just treat her to a nice lunch/ pregnancy friendly pamper day and a hamper of new bits for her new arrival?

Prof, it is a lovely idea for you to do something special for her, but for anyone other than my sisters (and that would be only because I felt duty bound) I would refuse an invite. The special event has not happened. To me, this is like having an engagement party when the actual celebration is the wedding.

If everyone said yes to celebrating 'wonderful events', we would all be skint and busy all the time. Birthdays, babies, new jobs, weddings, anniversaries, big enough events without adding pre-wedding/baby/job parties (whoopee, I got a first round interview, everyone out for champers!), which is essentially what this is.

I think that the lovely event is actually the safe arrival of her baby. Not a gathering well in advance that is clearly making people feel uncomfortable. Because while baby showers might become established over time, they are still considered to be a rather grasping import. People are happy to celebrate good things but they don't always want to be herded up and made to do it in a somewhat artificial and always expensive manner.

OP I can totally see why you'd want to arrange a shower for her, but it looks like you'll both have a far nicer time just the two of you on a girls day out. If her other friends aren't very interested in her pregnancy then it could all feel rather forced, which would be no fun for anyone.

I didn't realise everyone generally thought baby showers were all greedy grasping 'gimme gimme' parties! I can def see why it's off putting if that's how people see it. I know the US ones are all about present giving, but I always thought the UK version more of a nice get together with your friends before the baby came.

I would find it very odd to expect presents twice, like Knowitall says, for engagements etc. I would never give an engagement present, only a wedding present, but at a baby shower I would probably give the pregnant person a 'treat' gift like chocs or moisturiser etc, then save the baby present for when the baby was actually born. To me, the 'baby shower' is for the mum anyway, not the actual baby.

My sister organised an 'Afternoon Tea for the Mummy to be' for me, only to be thwarted by DS turning up a month early. We eventually had it a month later, only a few people brought presents, nappies and a couple of soft toys etc, and that was WITH the baby there! I think I asked her to put 'no presents needed' on the original invite in case people were unsure, and I'm glad people didn't feel they had to bring something.

Can anyone think of a better name for these things? 'Baby shower' is clearly not working over here!

I can't see why people are so against baby showers. Most people who would go are people who would buy a present after the baby was born anyway and all it really means is that you give the expectant mother your present before the birth rather than afterwards. You usually get some food too. What's not to like about that?

Why would anyone take exception to being invited to a baby shower?

I'd wait until the baby arrives and then give gifts etc.

I went to the baby shower of a friend at work, her baby was stillborn a few weeks later, it must have been agony dealing with all the presents and cards etc. she sent every one back with a thank you note stating that she didn't feel able to keep it.

It's best to celebrate things after they happen.

I have only been to one baby shower - it was a good friend and they were expecting twins - so I felt it was more useful as they needed loads of stuff - however I would NOT have wanted one and I do think its a imported "tradition" that I am not that keen on - twee and I don't like parties which are all about giving presents - I prefer to give a gift after the baby is born - and if nearby normally a home cooked meal -

I think a baby shower is a good way for the expectant mother to thank people for presents and have a good look at them before the baby's arrived. Often, a woman feels weird after a birth - she might be in pain, overwhelmed with the adjustment to having a baby, or even miserable so feels in no mood for visitors or to be opening presents and thanking people for gifts. A baby shower is a good way to meet friends and accept gifts when you're still feeling "you".

You can always say that something dreadful might happen to the baby but if you think that you'd feel any more dreadful in the event of something awful happening just because you'd had a baby shower (or less dreadful because you hadn't had one) then I think you're very wrong.

You can't live your life around "what ifs". Are you saying that people shouldn't make any preparations for a baby's birth just in case something dreadful happens because that's effectively what you're suggesting.

A low key baby shower, i.e organised as a get-together with family and close friends who'd be buying you a gift anyway with a bit of finger food and a couple of nice helium ballons can't do any harm.

I really find the aversion to babyshowers on the grounds that people would prefer to withold giving the gift they're going to give anyway until after the baby is born very odd.

Do you dislike weddings and birthday parties too? They're all about giving presents as well.

I loathe the idea of baby showers. Not culturally embedded in the UK, thank goodness. So many reasons to dislike - the gift grabbing (which is a part of it), the fact they are all female(why?) and usually involve cupcakes and twee games. Yuk.

I am delighted when friends become pregnant. I will happily and generously give gifts when the baby is safely arrived. I'd be happy to accompany a pregnant friend to a spa, or do something practical to help her.

And another issue - like many previous posters, I'd prefer to celebrate when the baby has safely arrived. A very dear friend has just lost a baby in the sixth month of her pregnancy - absolutely devestating for her and her DH. It does happen.

If your friend has been there for them when they had babies, brought a card and gift, then they are horrible to not want to celebrate her pregnancy. It took her TEN YEARS to get pregnant! TEN years ! How sad her so called friends can't be bothered. They are probably going to give the baby a present, so why not make a party out of it?

I feel really sad to read this. I am glad your friend has one person (You OP) who is happy to celebrate this joyous occasion.
I know you said you will forget it and do something else, but I would not give up that easily. Have you contacted the mothers and siblings and any close relatives on her and her dp's side? Showers can take place as a luncheon, in a nice cafe or restaurant, or your home. It doesn't need to be a lot of people.

I agree with Pandemoniaa.

I expect her other friends will tell her how pleased they are for her

but I suspect I am a "fun sponge" because I don't really like "girly get-togethers"

yanbu although I know some people who are against the idea of baby showers. We had one for my friend last year, there was 5 of us who went for a meal and we gave her 2 baskets 1 of useful stuff like breast pads/disposable knickers/nappies/wipes and then a pretty one with a few bibs, socks, hat and baby powder yankee candles only cost us a little over £5 each. We did a couple of low key games at the table and it was a lovely evening, would it be possible to do something with less people?

I would only go to a close friend or sisters one, I had an invite for one last year that told us to bring a present, whatever we were drinking and to buy something for the buffet,that put me off going!

I don't like the idea of a baby shower. Having had two late miscarriages, and several earlier ones the whole idea of having baby stuff in the house makes me twitch. Anyone who has had to clear out a nursery after a miscarriage gets the added angst that all the well-meaning gifts before a birth cause.

Babies don't need much to start with. And anyone who wants to get a gift will surely ask the mother first what she needs after the baby is born rather than showering her and her child with stupid cutsie outfits in the smallest size that will never get worn. And casefuls of disposable nappies if she intends to use washables.

And if the mother is not the sort of person who would ordinarily spend the afternoon in a cup-cake drenched pink hell with chattering acquaintences and stupid games why would she want to do that when heavily pregnant and miserable?

Only you can know if she is this type of woman, but it seems that her other friends believe she is not. Find something else that she will enjoy to do together with you, but don't feel aggreived because others feel that a "Baby shower" is a passive aggressive way of demanding presents.

Presumably her other friends can be relied upon to provide support and gifts and support as appropriate without your well-meaning attempts at jollification. There is nothing worse than enforced fun.

Thanks everyone, I have now booked just the two of us the spa day and cream tea (for 1 month before her lo is due)

I can see why people think baby showers are all about gimme gimme gimme, especially if you look at the american tv shows that we get over here, but the ones I attended over the years have all been about helping the mum, tips on leaking boobs, how to survive the first 6 months, precooked meals to go in the fridge, yes and a few stupid games, but it's all done in good fun, and normally right close to the time of the birth (yes I know things can go wrong, but do people not buy wedding presents because a couple may get divorced?)

She's stood by and watched all her friends get pregnant, and while it's been obvious that it's something she's wanted for herself forever, she's never been outwardly upset/bitchy about it, and she's geniunely been happy for everyone of us.

She's not got any family on her side (long back story, but they won't have anything to do with her) and on her DP's side it's only her MiL - who has never been particulary interested or supportive of her. All her friends know this, which is why I'm so shocked that so few can be bothered to make an effort to put aside a few hours one afternoon and be happy for my friend.

I am not keen on baby showers, partly because they seem grasping. I like gifts because someone has decided to give you something, not because you've invited them to a party so they feel they have to. Am also very superstitious about baby stuff in the house before the birth.
The main reason is though, that you don't know the personality of the baby, or how things are going to be immediately afterwards. Lots of people bought gifts once they knew my baby, or what sort of mother I was, or what I used the most of after a few weeks/months. And home-made meals, or cuddling DS while I had a shower came very top of my list for thoughtful gifts.
I think your plan sounds lovely though, she'll really enjoy it.

To all you people who think baby showers are "gift grasping fests" I'd like to ask you what you make of weddings and birthday parties. Whilst they claim to be all about the event, they are no less about gift grasping. Weddings are a nightmare with the ridiculous lists you get issued weeks and weeks beforehand stipulating not only what you have to buy but where you have to buy it from too!

It's because baby showers are not yet a recognised part of British culture and you're not used to them, that's all.

Other events that are a recognised part of British culture are no less about gift grasping.

You can make a baby shower whatever you want it to be - just like any other party. Silly games and/or cupcakes don't need to feature.

Some people are being so morally indignant about them. I just don't get it.

I think some weddings are gift grabbing events

I'm not morally indignant about baby showers, I'm just not sure about enforced jollity, and the OP assuming she is the only one who cares.

Sheesh, Perriwinkle, why are you so invested in pushing the benefits of the baby shower? Other people are allowed to dislike things, and being enthusiastic about wedding or birthday parties doesn't mean there's a subclause that bolts you into approving of baby showers.

OP, sounds like you came to an excellent conclusion. For what it's worth my first baby was due a few days ago, we're buying him minimal stuff, and I'd have been quite taken aback and not particularly thrilled if someone threw a baby shower on my behalf. And while I'm not a particularly superstitious person, I havn't unwrapped any of the things we've bought for the baby, apart from some clothes to take to the hospital.

OP, I think that what you want to do for your friend is lovely, but just to say that my DD went to a spa when she was pregnant, couldn't have some of the treatments and couldn't eat cos of morning all day sickness.

Just be sure that it's okay for her to go.

Hardcheese I'm not "so invested in pushing the benefits of the baby shower" as you put it, actually I've never had a baby shower, or even attended one. I just find the moral indignation here against them quite puzzling really.

It's a celebration at the end of the day where people come together, give gifts, eat and drink something and enjoy themselves. Of course people are entitled to like and dislike whatever they want but when people are perfectly happy to go to weddings and birthday parties I can't see how their arguments about baby showers being gift grabbing fests stack up, that's all.

Wedding: event
Birthday: event
Pregnancy: process to get to...
Birth: event

Engagement, pregnancy, job interviews, all exciting processes. But it is the wedding/baby/job that is the event.

Some people like to give gifts and the like before a baby arrives, some like to wait until it actually happens. Some don't give gifts at all.

Lots of people hate cutesy games about pregnancy and birth and prefer, instead of getting a myriad of conflicting stories about 'this is what worked for me' re: BF, sleeping etc, wait until a problem arises and deal with it specifically

Baby showers, or whatever you want to call them, do not have to involve gifts at all. But luckily all my friends have seen pregnancy as exciting, but not as exciting as actually having the baby and therefore have waited to celebrate until there is actually something concrete to celebrate.

I went to a baby shower on Monday and it seemed more bitchy then grabby