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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up with being let down by people?

29 replies

PalmaRossa · 09/03/2012 12:55

A friend invited me to lunch at hers the other week; then the day before, she cancelled. She regularly does this. Invites me to hers or to meet up elsewhere with the DCs and then cancels, sometimes when we're actually in the car going over hers. Yet on her FB she is out and about, posting statuses about going to Costa coffee with X, or on nights out with Y. She doesn't seem to respect me in the same way and mucks me around.

This weekend we were meant to be going to stay with some friends for the weekend, and yes they've cancelled too, as they frequently do with us. Again they too have plenty of time for other friends and are always out and about but mess us around. Their excuse for this weekend? We want to get the garden done as the weather will be nice. And they were the ones that suggested we went there.

I'm fed up with being let down by people.

OP posts:

SparkyMcSparrow · 09/03/2012 12:58

YANBU I get this with my family.

Just arrange something and do it to them, make a point. Failing that stop seeing them for a while. If they ask why just tell them that you are sick of being let down, you haven't got time for it!

Adversecamber · 09/03/2012 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CreamolaFoamless · 09/03/2012 13:02

I hate last minute cancellers

yes these people are letting you down but think for a minute, were they going to provide you with a top quality day/evening

they probably cancel on everyone because some people are just like that

Original poster

PalmaRossa · 09/03/2012 13:03

I'm getting to the stage now where I don't want to make plans with anyone as i always end up getting let down/fobbed off/mucked around

Might take a break from all this so called friendship malarkey

OP posts:

Original poster

PalmaRossa · 09/03/2012 13:14

Adversecamber, yes you're right, I think I am too nice at times. I do things like arrange things for people such as birthday nights out and get no thanks for it. I think I'm too nice that people don't respect me

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 09/03/2012 13:16

Don't give up on friendship, just try to find better friends!

Are these people good friends? Perhaps you are outgrowing each other?

I had a phase like this years ago, in retrospect it was because I was trying to maintain friendships with people who I once had a lot in common with but no longer did.

I also had a bit of this when I moved to London, it took me a while to realise that when certain people said 'let's meet up' they didn't really mean it. I had one friend who would make 3 sets of plans for each weekend night and then cancel the ones he didn't feel like going to. Can you believe it???

In each case I just kind of quietly let them go, we stayed FB friends and met up very very rarely but that's it. And I found new people to actually hang out with.

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 13:24

I am going to own up to something that I don't admire in myself. I sometimes take advantage of people who are too nice. I don't mean to, but I find myself doing it. There are some people I would never cancel on, and those are the people who stand up for themselves and who have enough self-respect and balls to get arsey with me if I do cancel. There are others who seem to be at my beck and call and because of that I tend to pick them up and drop them because I know there won't be any consequences.

It's a horrible trait and I'm trying to stop doing it.

Coming at it from the other angle (the user rather the "usee") I would say, stop being so compliant. If you're too keen to please people it causes them to lose respect for you. You sort of fade in their minds a person, they know you won't have a strong opinion or reaction so they don't even think of you when considering their actions. They just think "Oh I won't bother seeing X this weekend, she won't mind." It's the people who say how they feel and engage in genuine give-and-take (not just give give give) who develop real friendships where both parties have mutual respect.

Original poster

PalmaRossa · 09/03/2012 13:25

I worry that if I am too vocal about how I feel if someone cancels on me then they will fall out with me....

I need to grow some balls!

OP posts:

moogalicious · 09/03/2012 13:26

I do this . With 3 dc, they're either ill or I've forgotten about some playdate/after school thing/friend over/football match. Or DH is working and I have to cancel. Or I've booked too much in and need a day at home (usually during the holidays). I work as well.

It's nothing personal - I guess I'm just disorganised as I try to see as many people as I can but end up having to drop a few things.

Sorry.

Original poster

PalmaRossa · 09/03/2012 13:27

I find that those that do it to me seem to have plenty of time to see other friends, well they do if their facebook pictures and statuses are anything to go by. They don't seem to dare cancel on others.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 13:29

This might sound odd but I actually prefer if someone is vocal as then I know exactly how they feel and I don't have to guess or worry that they're not saying what they really think. Being around someone who constantly says "No I don't mind, you choose, doesn't bother me" etc is actually really annoying and tiring after a while because you're never sure whether they actually mean it or not. It gets to the stage where you don't bother seeing them because you can't be arsed trying to read their mind any more. If a person says "No, I don't want to do that," then at least you know where you stand and you can work from there.

The main thing is, be honest. Don't pretend you're ok with something if you're not, it's dishonest and irritating. If someone cancels and you're not happy with it, say it for god's sake! In future they won't be so quick to mess you around. And if they're not happy with you speaking up then they're not really worth knowing, are they?

Original poster

PalmaRossa · 09/03/2012 13:37

Yep I totally get what you're saying Cailindana. You're very right. I need to be honest and say what I feel, hence I have just emailed a reply to the friends we were meant to be staying with this weekend and said how disappointed I am and how we were looking forward to it, and what a shame as we are now booked up most weekends until the summer so we won't see them for a long time

OP posts:

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 13:38

Good for you!

AlanMoore · 09/03/2012 13:39

I work on "rule of three".

Let me down three times at the last minute without good reason and I will not make arrangements with you again/ be "busy" next time you ask me to do something.

This works pretty well - people either melt away into the ether therefore weren't really good friends/worth bothering with anyway, or they realise and make an effort, or the really insensitive ones will say something about "how come you're always busy?" so you can have a conversation about them being flaky and wasting your precious time.

CailinDana · 09/03/2012 13:40

A good tip, Alan, I do something similar.

AlanMoore · 09/03/2012 13:41

I apply this to calls/messages/emails as well. We are all busy but it takes seconds to text, so if I don't hear back after three goes I won't contact you again.

I can be a bit "needy" as I am quite lonely by nature but doing this has let me take a bit of a step back from other people and I have got more comfortable with my own company. I also take things less personally and spend less time being messed around!

AlanMoore · 09/03/2012 13:43

One more post then I'll abide by my own rule!

I am very careful to make sure I don't break the rule of three going the other way. If I have declined two invites I will move heaven and earth to make the third.

Original poster

PalmaRossa · 09/03/2012 13:44

Good rules, AlanMoore, I need to take a leaf out of your book definitely!

OP posts:

Original poster

PalmaRossa · 09/03/2012 13:44

See now I've replied after 3 messages you can reply to me again

OP posts:

maybenow · 09/03/2012 13:47

do you say 'oh, nevermind, that's ok' when they cancel?

or do you say 'really? you're cancelling now? wow, that's quite disappointing at this late notice, we had built our plans around it, we were looking forward to seeing you. i guess something really important must have come up?'

i'd say if a lot of people do this to you then you make it too easy for them and you can change that. if it's just one person and they do this to a lot of people then you can choose whether to put up with it. i have a friend who cancels a lot so i always invite her to mine for a really casual supper and don't bet on her coming, if she does great if not, no worries.. i don't put myself out and i choose to not care because i know it's just her and i choose to accept it from her.

maybenow · 09/03/2012 13:48

oopsss... sorry... took too long to write that post and see it's already all been said

Original poster

PalmaRossa · 09/03/2012 13:50

maybenow, yes I do end up saying nevermind, I'm afraid.

OP posts:

AlanMoore · 09/03/2012 13:59

Am I breaking the rule of three now? I'm not sure.

If someone cancels once I am fine with it. If someone cancels more than once and gives me plenty of notice and/or has good reason I am fine with it. If they cancel twice in a flaky sort of way I would mention the inconvenience but in a very casual "I am not going to embarrass you" kind of way, I usually get an apology, but I didn't used to when I was really passive and let people do whatever they liked.

It's very rare that I cancel an arrangement and I would only do so if it was unavoidable or if I could give plenty of notice.

I did have a "friend" who let me down frequently so I thought she wouldn't mind if I did it to her one day when I was tired and my toddler was playing up - she went in a right huff, haven't seen her since!

Original poster

PalmaRossa · 09/03/2012 14:00

I find that's often the way isn't it? People think they can do what they like but if they ever have a taste of their own medicine they hate it

OP posts:

kerala · 09/03/2012 14:05

OP I feel your pain. Although I am meaner - if people do this more than a couple of times (i.e. cry off very late in the day with lame excuses) I don't ask again. One newish friend I met through the DC always really enthusiastic whenever I invite her to things, first to reply etc then always bails at the last minute, and also bails on other people too. Don't bother inviting her now she had her chance . If you want friends/invitations there is a
base level of politeness required. We only bail out if we really really have to.

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