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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not visit my mum.

41 replies

SleepingWithGhosts · 14/02/2012 19:18

Right complicated one.

My mum is ill, phoned me earlier on and told me she had an asthma attack today (she has been asthmatic her whole life) and wants me to come round and generally look after her / make her feel better etc.

She has been seen by a doctor and is fine (no hospital trip etc.) and while she is feeling breathless still the asthma attack has stopped.

Also worth mentioning that my younger sister still lives at home and is with her at the moment (and will be all night) so she is not alone.

The problem is

a) It's valentines day obviously and me and my partner were planning on going for a meal (with her being heavily pregnant she has been feeling a bit fed up recently and could really do with the treat) and IS NOT impressed at the idea of this being cancelled.

b) I have a guest coming to stay for a few days who arrives tomorrow which means I have spent most of the day cleaning and getting everything ready for her to arrive. The house is a bomb site as we have just finished decorating so it took a lot of cleaning!

I have told my mum I cannot come as am too busy and will shortly be going out, she has put the phone down on me and is very annoyed.

I feel really guilty about not going but don't want to argue with my partner on valentines day over it (those pregnancy hormones are scary Grin ) plus I really have got too much on.

AIBU to not go and visit her knowing she is ill?

OP posts:
IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 14/02/2012 19:20

YANBU. Your mum is fine and your wife comes first anyway.

squeakytoy · 14/02/2012 19:20

depends how far away it is... if it is only local, I would pop round to check she is ok..

buggyRunner · 14/02/2012 19:21

Yanbu- she isn't alone.

potoftea · 14/02/2012 19:22

You have already made plans and should only change them for an emergency situation. If your mother had been rushed to hospital, or was alone and very ill, then you would have to drop everything and go to her aid.

But she doesn't need you, she just wants you, so it's a different situation.

Stop feeling guilty!! Go and enjoy your planned night, visit your mother tomorrow.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/02/2012 19:23

Is your sister old enough and otherwise capable of looking after her? And does your mother have form for demanding your presence unreasonably, or is this out of character?

MissSayuri · 14/02/2012 19:25

Sounds like she's had a bit of a fright and might be panicking. Phone her back in half an hour to see if she's ok. Have you spoke to your sister? What is she saying?

SausageSmuggler · 14/02/2012 19:28

YANBU at all, if she were alone I'd say go by before going out to check on her but if she's ok and with your sister I wouldn't feel guilty. Perhaps give her a ring when you get home just to see how she's feeling if you still feel bad.

Original poster
SleepingWithGhosts · 14/02/2012 19:30

Mum only lives 10 minutes away but I don't drive so would have to pay taxi / walk round. Plus it will NOT be a quick visit, she has history of this and will not let me leave for ages.

Also sister is 28 years old so more than capable yes.

Mum expects me to drop everything whenever she is ill, I admit I have always done this in the past as I feel I have to. She says i'm the only person who can make her feel better. With my partner being pregnant I am having to say no to her more as have other priorities.

Mum is ill at least once a fortnight and is known to play on it a bit, although the asthma attack today is genuine.

I have phoned mum back and her only comment was 'sorry I forgot you have a life' said in an annoyed tone and the phone was then put down again.

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingWithGhosts · 14/02/2012 19:31

Should have said that's 10 minutes in car, more like 30 minutes if walking.

OP posts:
Grumpla · 14/02/2012 19:31

I'd check your sister is definitely there with her. Assuming that she is, your mum's not on her own. She's no longer having an attack.

On the the other hand, and I say this as a heavily pregnant woman myself, you may very well end up being attacked yourself if you deprive your DP of her Valentines meal.

Make time to call/text your mum at some point this evening to check up on her, and maybe compromise by popping round tomorrow with some magazines / grapes / cakes and make a bit of a fuss?

Sounds like she is being a bit attention-seeking to me and this would be an ideal opportunity to establish some boundaries.

However if she is on her own (or if your sister is somehow incapable of being the responsible person) that puts a slightly different complexion on things. Asthma can be really scary and if she genuinely needs your support you should give it.

shineonyucrazydiamond · 14/02/2012 19:31

yanbu, does she often want you to drop everything for her?

Grumpla · 14/02/2012 19:32

Oh x/posted there OP.

In that case, bugger it. Take your DP out and spoil her rotten. Your mum will just have to get used to playing second fiddle.

NorksAreMessy · 14/02/2012 19:33

Let her stew for a day and call again tomorrow.
Just because people whistle, it doesn't mean you have to go running towards them.

Enjoy your romantic evening

SecretNutellaFix · 14/02/2012 19:36

I think that arseyness when you called has sealed her fate. When she can speak to you courteously, then she can expect you to drop everything and come running.

She is not acutely ill, you have a pregnant partner and have already arranged to go out

GrownUp2012 · 14/02/2012 19:43

No way! Does she often try to come between you and your partner? I mean you'd think that she'd know that you'd probably have plans on Valentines night, even if it's just a snuggle on the sofa with pregnant wife. If she's well enough to be at home with another adult there to care for her, then she's being very unreasonable asking you to go round there and cancel your plans.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 14/02/2012 19:48

"She says i'm the only person who can make her feel better."

This is quite worrying. No parent should put that kind of responsibility on their child, adult or not. Has she always been this way? That's the kind of thing my MIL would say and do, she has a history of behaviour like this that has finally caused a family rift. Making people feel guilty in an effort to control them. My DH grew up being told that his mother would have a mental breakdown if he said no to her or upset her in any way. This sounds similar with your Mum, by saying you are the only person who can make her feel better she is putting all the responsibility for her wellbeing on you.

I'm sure the asthma attack was genuine and frightening but she's been seen by the doctor and has her adult daughter with her. She shouldn't be trying to spoil your night out.

How does she get on with your partner?

LydiaWickham · 14/02/2012 19:57

She doesn't need you there, she's got your sister. You need to start putting some boundaries in now, your DP and your new DC will be your focus.

Your mum isn't ill now, she's got an adult with her, if she takes a turn for the worse, your sister can get hold of you, your DP needs some TLC on what will be a rare treat when your DC arrives.

aldiwhore · 14/02/2012 20:01

YANBU at all.

I've been pretty poorly recently and it would have been lovely if my mum had popped by and juggled or something to cheer me up, but she couldn't and I didn't mind.

Your mum is being a bit needy (a lot needy) and inconsiderate. Its okay for her to wish you would be there, but not to demand it.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 14/02/2012 20:02

Sorry, but your Mum sounds very needy in a way that you need to put a stop too now.

She said you are the only one thy can make her feel better?? Shock I hope you can see what a horrible thing that was to have said, and don't feel at all flattered by it. Your poor sister is over ther probably waiting other hand and foot and she has the cheek to say that? She is your Mother, not your child!

Awful!

You need to start letting it be known loud and clear that your wife is your priority and she needs to back off.

Original poster
SleepingWithGhosts · 14/02/2012 20:06

Mum has just sent a text saying 'lets hope I do get better or you will be too busy to come to my funeral'.

Now in tears as feel awful.

OP posts:
Dozer · 14/02/2012 20:09

How manipulative!

She sounds v hard work.

BCBG · 14/02/2012 20:11

She's fine, really.

I had a mum like this too - loved her dearly but she would have swallowed us whole if we'd let her at times. You have a pregnant partner and I bet that is what this is all about - a battle of wills. Have it now, sleepingwith ghosts and dry your tears. She knows perfectly well you love her, BUT she needs to know perfectly well where she stands. Grin

SecretNutellaFix · 14/02/2012 20:12

She sounds toxic! Has she always been that way?

pluckingupcourage · 14/02/2012 20:13

YANBU but your mother on the other hand is very unreasonable!!! Stop letting her manipulate you and do your best not to react to her neediness (she may give up?) at worst, she'll be pissed off but you'll at the very least get your own free will back.

If I were you I'd text back something along the lines of, "I wouldn't bank on it".

But that's probably not the best thing to do!

Casmama · 14/02/2012 20:15

Your mum sounds like a complete pain in the arse. Don't engage with her any further on this unless you want to text "Grow up". Put her out of your head and enjoy your meal.
She needs to learn that she is no longer your top priority that you have a family of your own and she will not learn that if you continue to pander to her.

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