To not visit my mum.

[SleepingWithGhosts]

Right complicated one.

My mum is ill, phoned me earlier on and told me she had an asthma attack today (she has been asthmatic her whole life) and wants me to come round and generally look after her / make her feel better etc.

She has been seen by a doctor and is fine (no hospital trip etc.) and while she is feeling breathless still the asthma attack has stopped.

Also worth mentioning that my younger sister still lives at home and is with her at the moment (and will be all night) so she is not alone.

The problem is

a) It's valentines day obviously and me and my partner were planning on going for a meal (with her being heavily pregnant she has been feeling a bit fed up recently and could really do with the treat) and IS NOT impressed at the idea of this being cancelled.

b) I have a guest coming to stay for a few days who arrives tomorrow which means I have spent most of the day cleaning and getting everything ready for her to arrive. The house is a bomb site as we have just finished decorating so it took a lot of cleaning!

I have told my mum I cannot come as am too busy and will shortly be going out, she has put the phone down on me and is very annoyed.

I feel really guilty about not going but don't want to argue with my partner on valentines day over it (those pregnancy hormones are scary ) plus I really have got too much on.

AIBU to not go and visit her knowing she is ill?

Sorry, but your mum is being a cow. Is she jealous/ disapproving of your wife? Speak to your sister ( if you get on), or tell your mum how she has made you feel- send her this thread?

She sounds vile!

You have done nothing to feel bad about. She is being very manipulative and women like her are the reason there are so many justified complaints about MIL's.

Take your wife out, have a lovely time, and think about how you are going to tell your Mum to stop being so horrible tomorrow.

That text would make me say 'fuck it!', no decent parent makes their child feel like that, she's well enough to send nasty texts.

Text her back with something like, I know you're upset, but DSis is there & I know she'll take good care of you. You know I love you.

Then turn your phone off & have a lovely evening. Nip this in the bud BEFORE the baby comes, she is unlikely to get any less manipulative or jealous & your priorities are as you say definitely shifting.

Good luck YADNBU

As long as your sister is there to keep an eye on her there's no need to change your plans.

My mum could be like this too - she seemed to think that I was responsible for her life and happiness! I loved her dearly but she could say some very cruel and unjust things. It is really your Mum's problem and not yours. You have made sure she is safe and looked after so go ahead and carry on with your night out. Try and ignore her petty vindictiveness - easy to say I know - and resolve to be better than her and never do this to your DC.

Good luck with the new arrival.

She is controlling and manipulating you.

And I agree, she is doing this on purpose because she knows it's Valentines day and you will be spending the night doing something special for your wife.

If she's well enough to send poisonous texts, she's not about to pop off any time soon.

What has your wife had to say about all this?

Thank you very much everyone!!

Confession time - I am the DP and this is my MIL.

Me and DP started the thread together as she (same-sex relationship) is feeling torn up with guilt and is in absolute bits about how her mum is making her feel.

Thank you all so much for helping to reassure her, it is time she see's how manipulative her mum is and to stop feeling guilty that she can't be at her beck and call.

To the poster who asked. Me and MIL get on well, although she blames me for taking her daughter away and everytime she dosn't go running it's always my fault.

The pregnancy hasn't really made any difference to that. although she has been driving me mad with comments she keeps making. I was having a lie down last week as was in a lot of pain (diagnosed with SPD and had just been to a meeting which involved walking uphill) and her mum kept telling DP how I was being lazy / taking advantage etc. and pregnancy isn't that bad and I must be playing on it.

DP sadly believes everything her mum says and we had a pretty huge row about it. I am not a lazy person in any way and don't use pregnancy as a reason not to do anything. I have spent the last week painting and fitting a bloody carpet FFS! but SPD hurts and sometimes you need to rest.

Plus I am now 36 weeks pregnant and need to start slowing down a little.

DP has serious anxiety issues and suffers panic attacks which in my opinion is a result of the way her mum has always made her feel.

Her mum is like a child in many ways, DP will leave us skint to buy her mum electric as her mum always spends her money on crap and forgets to get gas, electric and shopping.

She even sorts her mum's love life out for her and is expected to be the go-between between her mum and dad (who divorced 5 years ago) and her mum asks DP to ring her new boyfriend etc. to 'tell him off' when he argues with her mum.

I have tried desperately to get DP to see that this is not a normal relationship and she needs to be firm but she just dosn't see it herself.

She agreed that she would not cancel the meal today (we are going in 30 mins) but was clearly feeling awful about it so I suggested AIBU to get other opinions and she is now seeing that her mum is asking too much off her.

Huge thanks everyone, off to enjoy our meal, hopefully will cheer DP up and we can enjoy some much needed together time.

Ooooh that last text was mean. She is trying to make it clear that even though your partner is about to have a baby, it had better not change the dynamic that SHE comes first!

She has someone with her, go out and turn off that phone!

X-post. Glad you're going out. Have fun!

Agree with all other posts on here....

YANBU. Your DP does indeed need to see that her mothers behaviour is not normal. It must be difficult having a realtionship that is so affected by what the MIL says all the time.

Enjoy your evening.

Good luck to both of you.

I have similar problems with my DH and MIL - OH will run to her beck and call as whenever things dont go her own way she threatens us with not coming to see us or DS any more. Like you I get on well with her in the main but I find that behaviour very destructive and DH and I end up arguing before every visit!

You are doing the right thing by being there for your DP and giving her the right advice... She can see her Mum tomorrow if she feels bad (which she has no reason too btw). Your MIL has got to learn that emotional blackmail doesn't pay!

Good luck to you both - the MIL sounds very controlling.... I would have been more mischevious and texted back - Of course I'd be there, just to make sure!!!

I hope you enjoy your dinner. Depressingly, I've met a few older divorced woman who lean on their adult children to give them the emotional support a partner should. This is only going to get worst when it's not a partner she's "competing" with but a child. As her parent child boundaries are blurred, don't be surprised if she expects yours to be.

Oh bloody hell you poor things. MIL sounds like a very difficult woman. And
SPD is horrible (bitter voice of experience).

Your DW does need to sort out some boundaries, doesn't sound like this will be easy or something that can happen overnight.

Isn't there a thread about Stately Homes somewhere on MN? I've seen that referred to as useful for people having parent problems! Maybe would help her get some perspective / support from other people
In similar situations?

Anyway in the meantime I hope you are enjoying a lovely dinner together. And yes, 36 weeks with SPD is time to slow down

Treasure these last few weeks just the two of you!

DEFINATELY show your DP the Stately Homes thread in the Relationship section on here. She may well benefit from the support of others who have parents like your MIL. Have a good time while you are out, and rest up while you can. .