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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lending car to BIL.....AIBU?

27 replies

LadyBeckenham · 06/01/2012 16:07

BIL is mid 30s. Lives about 4/5 hours away from his parents. Never had a GF, lives in a rented room in a mates house. Has a higher degree from Oxbridge and a job he doesn't like very much.

Spends all holidays at his parents. Went down for Christmas on the Thursday, and before he went realised his car was not quite right. However, he drove to his parents. Then he left it until the day he was due to go back before finding a garage who told him his 'big end' had gone and car therefore a write off given age/value.

He missed a day of work and his Dad then lent him his car to go home in until he could buy a new one (cash is sitting there - just needs to find one he likes).

So MN jury, would you have lent him your car? I wouldn't have because I think his uselessness is being enabled and I am determined my DS will not be like this! (fingers crossed!)

OP posts:
ginmakesitallok · 06/01/2012 16:09

I would have - would him taking car to garage any earlier have meant a different outcome?

cornsilxksxi · 06/01/2012 16:09

does his dad use the car a lot?

Sirzy · 06/01/2012 16:10

If I didn't use the car then I would.

momnipotent · 06/01/2012 16:11

I wouldn't! If he knew the car was off on the Thursday he should have got it sorted ASAP when everything was open either right before Xmas or right after.

Bogeyface · 06/01/2012 16:12

I sense that there is more to this than just a broken down car.....

prettyfly1 · 06/01/2012 16:12

I dont see the relevance of your BILS history. If he is a terrible driver, no if not, yes. I really dont see what his relationship status has to do with it?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 06/01/2012 16:12

No, I wouldnt, because I rely on my car too much.

But if I didn't, then of course I would do whatever I could to help my child.

redwineformethanks · 06/01/2012 16:12

If he needs a car to get to work, I'd be sympathetic if I didn't really need the car myself. Otherwise I'd have given him a lift to a station so he could get a train home and then left him to sort himself out

Adversecamber · 06/01/2012 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

momnipotent · 06/01/2012 16:13

Ah, yes, to help my child I might, to help my BIL definitely not.

YuleingFanjo · 06/01/2012 16:16

yes, to help my son I would. Or a sibling too.

guess you just don't like him much?

Is it just the fact that he lives in a shared house and hates his job?

Original poster
LadyBeckenham · 06/01/2012 16:16

Maybe I am being a bit hard then... I just think if it was me I would have got it sorted asap, rather than leaving to the last minute.

If it was my DS I would have made him get the train - he lives works in SE so good public transport.

No more to it really - he is lovely, but just a bit... lacking? in get up and go...

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 06/01/2012 16:17

Nobody borrows MY car Angry

Original poster
LadyBeckenham · 06/01/2012 16:17

The shared house/lack of GF/hates his job is just to illustrate further the lack of get up and go/ willingness to change things.

OP posts:
eurochick · 06/01/2012 16:23

Yes, I would have if the car wasn't essential to me. It is nice to help people out when they are in need (even if they do have their faults).

FredFredGeorge · 06/01/2012 16:23

YABU to be even thinking about it. And are being very judgey, who cares where he lives, or what his goals are - why should he have the ambition you think is appropriate, or live where you think he should, or sort a car out in the way you think etc. etc.

I'd lend my car to all sorts of people if they needed it, and absolutely my son!

pictish · 06/01/2012 16:25

Well he's not your son is he?

If your son turns out like this, bet you'd lend him your car. bet you.

Stay out of it.

Angelswings · 06/01/2012 16:25

At least he has a job and goes most of the time.

Having bought a car for my dd1 and planning to do the same for the others I'd be a bit :( that he drove it knowing it was not right

Original poster
LadyBeckenham · 06/01/2012 16:29

pictish you remind me of my Dad - he would always say 'bet you'. Good times.

OP posts:
fashiondisasterwaiting · 06/01/2012 16:30

"I think his uselessness is being enabled"

100% agree.

Any responsible adult would have at least tried to get it sorted sooner.

Not your problem that he didn't. YANBU.

I would lend it if he'd tried and e.g. couldn't get repairs done due to the holiday time of year/lots of breakdowns in bad weather.. but these are not his reasons.

His car, his responsibility. There is only so much bending over backwards for people I do.

I used to be a lot more forgiving, until I realised I was constantly having the piss taken out of me. Funnily enough now that I don't do favours for people without consideration / at the drop of a hat people seem to respect my time and effort a bit more... so I empathise with your bit about ENABLING his cluelessness a LOT.

albertswearingen · 06/01/2012 16:31

I honestly don't see a problem with his father lending him his car. So what? If he lacks get up and go, a gf, a house of his own well that's how he is-some people just aren't natural go getters. Why does it bother you? I Have a friend who is exactly as you describe and he was never happy with his lot but he was just too afraid of change to do anything about it really. He says that he has accepted that he is unlikely to have a major personality change now he is in his early 40's and has accepted his lot. Maybe you should feel sorry for your BIL.

Xmasbaby11 · 06/01/2012 16:39

I probably would have done, but I see your point with the back story. My parents are the same with my brother and it does him no favours. He leans on them so much, it drives me crazy.

e.g. they are always giving him their stuff (eg expensive pan) if he needs something rather than him going to buy it himself. They also look for job adverts for him and do things like book his train tickets. He is 37!!!

BluddyMoFo · 06/01/2012 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gumby · 06/01/2012 16:45

I think it's sad you look down on him because he doesn't fit your conventional stereotype of being successful meaning having a girlfriend/ family etc
Some people are happy on their own & find it a rewarding way to live

herbietea · 06/01/2012 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn