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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at Christmas plans

30 replies

Ticklemonster2 · 20/12/2011 11:21

On Christmas day and boxing day we are meeting up with the in laws.
In short, we have had a lot of problems with them since ds was born. I try to let things go over my head as they are very selfish and won't change. However, I feel quite aggrieved having heard their plans for the Christmas meet up.
Not being mean, but I am not bothered about meeting up with them following their behaviour over the past few years, but I go along with it to be civil. I agreed to meet up on both days for a quick catch up etc and said when ds naps ie to avoid that time. Ds is of an age now where he will not nap in car or pushchair and likes his cot.
My husband told me at the weekend that they want to meet us .....when my son is having his nap...in his cot....at home! This is despite knowing when he sleeps and that it's for a good 2 hours! They can't meet later as their other granddaughter naps then. Granddaughter is much older.
They won't budge on these arrangements which means we won't be able to meet up on one of the days and they are bound to cause a fuss about this.
Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed that there is a total lack of consideration for my ds when granddaughters routing is accommodated?

OP posts:

supadupaturkeystupor · 20/12/2011 11:26

YANBU

You are not available between the hours of x and y. Not your problem tbh. I hate this, naps are bloody important to me, especially on days of over excitement! I wouldn't comment on the niece though, what they do is up to them.......

scurryfunge · 20/12/2011 11:29

Could they come round to your home instead of meeting elsewhere?

LydiaWickham · 20/12/2011 11:32

Tell them they are welcome to come over, but DS will be asleep and you won't wake him (Christmas is stressful enough without an overtired child), or if they would like, DS will be awake before X and after Y time.

I know lots of people will say you shouldn't stick to routines, but quite frankly, if they are prepared to accomodate one DGCs routine to avoid the parents having a shitty time, they should do the same for you, or yay, you don't have to see them. Their choice.

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 20/12/2011 11:33

Thank you supa.
I am always respectful of naps and like you they are important to me and my ds. They are a pain, but I would rather work around them as my ds is a nightmare when short changed with sleep.
I am happy to respect nieces nap, and I had suggested a time that was perfect for both, but it fell on deaf ears!

OP posts:

UnexpectedOrangeInMyStocking · 20/12/2011 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jinsel · 20/12/2011 11:40

Well if they can accommodate one child's nap then they should be able to accommodate the other so in that respect YANBU but I've been on the sharp end of trying to make plans around nap time and it's soul destroying :(

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 20/12/2011 11:43

Have suggested all the above, but we always have to go to where they are spending Xmas. When we suggested another time we were told they had other plans. Unfortunately my dh does not put his foot down about this.
I have just called MIL to say that we are not available between x and y as ds will be sleeping. She spoke to me as if I was joking! She suggested that he may not sleep at his usual time on those days (what, like he has for the past 18 months?). I assured her that he would.
I swear they make these plans to cause an argument or stress!

OP posts:

LydiaWickham · 20/12/2011 11:45

Oh well, then you've told her, when you don't turn up at instructed by them, you can remind MIL you did tell her. Point all of this out of your DH, he's going to either upset his wife and child or his mother, can't keep you all happy.

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 20/12/2011 11:52

Hi unexpected, they always pander to my SIL who's child can nap anywhere. We always have to fit in and when we don't they throw a fit. I am normally blamed.
What is frustrating is that we could meet earlier when both children are wide awake. It's not hard to work around it if they want to see everyone.
I agree naps are a pain and they don't all nap in the car which is a shame, but it's a small hardship and they grow out of it eventually. My view is that my DS sleep routine comes first. Especially now that he only has one nap - muck that one up and the day is trashed.

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 20/12/2011 11:52

YANBU to think they are being unfair but YAB a bit U in the way you have handled it. Seems you KNOW they are difficult and you KNOW your DH doesn't 'put his foot down' - but you haven't used that knowledge to your advantage. You could have told them when you were free to come and left it there. Aloowing difficult people to make the arrangements then moaning about them is madness. Save yourself the heartache and don't expect people to change the habits of a lifetime by wishing it. That is expecting too much of someone.

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 20/12/2011 11:54

Domed on you are right and I have learnt that. This year I made a suggestion about meeting up and it was ignored. Believe me I have tried everything!

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 20/12/2011 12:02

I am sure you have tried to be cooperative - that is your mistake. State what you are available to do and leave it there. We would like to come at ... on xmas day and ... on boxing day, please let us know if you would like to see us then. You have to learn to live with others discomfort. You can't please everyone.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 20/12/2011 12:03

I am not too strict about nap times but definitely like DD to have her afternoon nap. However, I am quite prepared to accept that as it is Christmas the normal routine may go out the window somewhat. Can your DS not nap earlier? Although tbh it is a bit infuriating that they are prepared to accommodate other GC's nap but not your DS.

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 20/12/2011 12:15

Timothy, I wish! He goes to sleep at 10.30 am on the dot here and at nursery. He's nothing if not consistent, bless him. If I put him down earlier he stands in his cot shouting! I guess you could say he knows what he likes.
Domedon I totally agree and am able to live with others discomfort, it's my husband who can't. I have taken your approach and have been told I am the difficult one. It is assumed that I should accept being instructed. However, now that is affecting my ds I am not happy.

OP posts:

supadupaturkeystupor · 20/12/2011 12:41

if it was me i would take the blame tbh. Treat them like you do toddlers....no means no.... and if you are bad mummy for a bit at least you are consistant and everyone knows you mean what you say. I would even take the blame so that DH saves face with his folks tbh. You get the respect in the long run and people actually consider your opinion before making arrangements.

supadupaturkeystupor · 20/12/2011 12:41

i always balance this by being as accommodating and helpful as possible btw and do have a fab relationship with DHs family.

itsstartingtofeelalotlikexmas · 20/12/2011 12:44

How old is he?

I really don't get this 'we can't do xyz because of naps'

In years to come you'll look back at this and laugh about it

kelly2000 · 20/12/2011 12:50

It sound sliek they do it on purpose to be honest, to try to create a situation where they "win". I would just be firm, say like niece he is napping, and that is that so you will see them on x day instead.

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 20/12/2011 12:53

Kelly, you have totally the wrong end of the stick, but thanks for posting.

OP posts:

wheredidiputit · 20/12/2011 13:00

itsstartingtofeelalotlikexmas,

I really don't get this 'we can't do xyz because of naps' Well if you have a child who nap is missed then will not/ does not sleep at night because they are over tired then you would.

I was strict with dd1 nap as she would not settle if she missed her sleep, then we would take a week to correct one missed nap. With dd2 and DS not so as it didn't affect their sleep pattern.

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 20/12/2011 13:10

Thank you wheredidiputit, ditto. Your dd1 sounds like my ds. They are all different.
I certainly won't be looking back and Finding the nap issue numerous. It just has to be respected, and that's that - I like to sleep at night!

OP posts:

Original poster

Ticklemonster2 · 20/12/2011 13:12

Thanks supadupa, you've got some good advice x

OP posts:

SaggyHairyArse · 20/12/2011 13:16

Seriously, I would just go. One day without a nap or a nap at a different time on't kill a child

supadupaturkeystupor · 20/12/2011 13:19

no it won't saggy but for some kids (i have one) it can totally ruin the rest of the day because of their horrid horrid mood. And christmas is not worth ruining because other people are being selfish.

zookeeper · 20/12/2011 13:20

I'm not sure what to think tbh. Did you really say that you" weren't available" because of the nap? If so, I can imagine that that would wind up your MIL. It would me as it sounds rather high-handed. Or did you explain why you can't - as you have here - and the difficulties it would cause you if you go along with their plans. It comes across clearly that you just tolerate her and I imagine she's have to be pretty stupid not to pick up on this.

I can't help feeling that if you both liked each other more a solution could be found.

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