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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ex boyfriends fathers funeral

37 replies

Justmejesse · 15/12/2011 17:39

I need some help! My ex boyfriend and I dated back in high school for a year and a half. I broke it off in a very unkind way and was a total beast to him at the time. I haven't seen him in over 17 yrs but we have reconnect via FB. He is now married w/ children and so I'm I. My question is whether or not to attend his dad's funeral. I really liked his dad and his entire family for that matter. I feel REALLY bad for all the things I did to him back then and I would love to make it right (dont know how to do that either). I did send him a message on FB and offer my condolences that way and he said it would nice if I went to the funeral, I just don't want to make anyone unconfortable. Plz help!!

OP posts:
DoesNotGiveAFig · 15/12/2011 17:40

I wouldn't go. His father's funeral isn't the place to sort out your guilty feelings.

sitandnatter · 15/12/2011 17:41

Just go to the funeral sit and that back and don't get in anyone's faces, let yourself be known to the ex and offer your condolences.

I don't think anyone will hold grudges for sharp dumping 17 years ago.

elfyrespect · 15/12/2011 17:41

Well I would've said not to, it was just a year and a half a long time ago - but then I saw that he's invited you. So it's up to you.

slavetofilofax · 15/12/2011 17:44

If he said it would be nice then it's fine for you to go. But I can't understand why you feel you have a place there really.

When was the last tiem you saw his Dad and what was your relationship like with him?

MrGingleBells · 15/12/2011 17:45

17 years is a long time. I'd avoid if I were you unless you have designs on your old flame. In which case don't go. :0

I recently had an old girlfriend apologise sincerely for being a complete bitch to me years ago. It obviously didn't mean I felt any better years ago but it was nice to get an apology. For her sake as well I think.

Tell him on facebook that you're sorry for the way you behaved in the past, and leave it at that IMO.

randommoment · 15/12/2011 17:48

If he said it would be nice if you made it to the funeral, try and make it. You've already made up your differences with your ex on FB, I'm assuming his wife knows you're no threat to her, and IME bereaved families appreciate a big turnout. I went to my ex's mum's funeral a few years ago, I was really pleased to be there to support her family, and was made very welcome.

Original poster
Justmejesse · 15/12/2011 17:52

Haven't seen his dad since we broke up. I didn't have that close of a relationship with him, but I did go on family trips with them and they attended my family functions.
I guess I would appreciate it if it was one of my parents and showed up.

OP posts:
G1nger · 15/12/2011 17:53

You were both children then. I can't imagine he's still holding a grudge. I like the suggestion above that you attend quietly and offer your condolences.

slavetofilofax · 15/12/2011 17:56

Perhaps you could just go to the service and leave after that. It would be showing that you care and giving your support, but without intruding.

JosieZ · 15/12/2011 18:25

If I was grieving widow I think I would wonder why you'd turned up (that is if I recognised you at all).

Seems strange idea and as if someone has an ulterior motive.

If it's not a loss to you don't think you should turn up but my views seem to be in the minority.

lisaro · 15/12/2011 18:45

After a short teenage relationship so long ago with no other contact it would be inappropriate in my view. Am with Josie on the ulterior motive, even if you haven't one it could seem as if you have. It's their day not yours, leave them to it.

lisaro · 15/12/2011 18:46

After a short teenage relationship so long ago with no other contact it would be inappropriate in my view. Am with Josie on the ulterior motive, even if you haven't one it could seem as if you have. It's their day not yours, leave them to it.

Shutupanddrive · 15/12/2011 18:51

I agree with lisaro, don't go

MabelLucyAttwell · 15/12/2011 18:52

Some posters suggest that you might have an ulterior motive (possible) but why has he invited you? Has he an ulterior motive perhaps?

I would write a note of sorrow but stay away. Anyway, you might not recognise him if you were to go!

diddl · 15/12/2011 18:53

"Haven't seen his dad since we broke up. I didn't have that close of a relationship with him,"

Which to me would seem reason enough not to go to me, tbh.

shesparkles · 15/12/2011 18:53

I'd not attend. My ex-FIL died a couple of years ago, and although I had a great relationship with him, and got on fine with my ex (similar timescale to you break up wise). I didn't go to the funeral as I didn't want to make anyone else uncomfortable, I sent a card, and some flowers to ex-MIL after the funeral

whackamole · 15/12/2011 18:53

I wouldn't, but as he has mentioned an invite I would send flowers and a card. I think it would be odd for all concerned and he probably shouldn't have invited you, and might feel really concerned at the moment that you might show.

pigletmania · 15/12/2011 18:53

No I would'nt go to the funeral, just send a card and some nice flowers.

GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 15/12/2011 19:32

If you want to go, and he wants you to go, then go, and say goodbye to his Dad. Just like you would for any old friend.

MayCanary · 15/12/2011 19:36

I went to my ex's father's funeral about 13 years after we split up. They are a lovely family and it just felt right. Do it for all the right reasons and it will be appreciated.

Original poster
Justmejesse · 15/12/2011 20:16

Thankyou all so much for all your thoughts!! I has made my decision much easier.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/12/2011 20:19

It was only a short relationship really. I wouldnt go.

You have sent your condolence to your ex, and that is enough really, especially as his wife and children will be at the funeral, as that could be a bit awkward.

AnaisB · 15/12/2011 20:19

I'd go - he's said it would be good to see you there.

NonnoMum · 15/12/2011 20:23

Don't go.

You have an ulterior motive, whether you've realised it or not. Send your condolences in a card and 'defriend' this man on FB.

Then concentrate on the relationship you do have.

And he can concentrate on his.

verlainechasedrimbauds · 15/12/2011 20:53

I agree with NonnoMum. I honestly think you are using this as an excuse to try to see him again. Don't do it. Send a card and then move on.

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