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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get married ?

48 replies

Notnapping · 30/11/2011 21:31

Like another poster tonight (who got me thinking) I've also told dp im not marrying him he first proposed wheel ds1 was born but asked me not to tell anyone till I had a ring , he gave me a ring 3 years later a few months later we booked a venue and then I found out I was pg so cancelled.

2 months later I miscarried I wanted to re arrange wedding for a few months later to give me something to focus on, he didn't want to tell anyone / do anything to arrange / save for it. Meantime his bf decides to get married in the same month wed originally booked for AND he was expecting a baby with his gf irrational as this seems to me who'd just gone through a mc I was gutted and felt like if dp cared he'd want to arrange to get married to me.

If anyone asked comments on our long engagement he always tells them well prob get married next year and tells them theyll be invited and talks about how he'd rather wait to save up for a big wedding. Yet he's not Intrested in the practicalltys of actully saving up / suggests my parents could pay.

Anyway I got pg again so now we've ben together nearly 7 years with now2 kids and no wedding he now says that he doesn't want to get married till he's 30 (4 years ) I say screw it im not Intrested anymore well just live together I'll get no monetry advantage from being married and I hate the feeling he's in charge of when/if we get married.

And it hurts me that we've been together this long with 2 kids and he doesn't seem to actully want to get married and to watch numerous couples get married after a year or so together and having the special day/ being husband and wife . I don't wear my ring cause I feel silly about wearing it yet not being properly engaged

Aibu to answer people who ask when were getting married with never?

OP posts:
Original poster
Notnapping · 30/11/2011 21:33

I realise that probably doesn't make a lot of sense I went splat with everything in my head on the keyboard !

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 30/11/2011 21:35

I hate to break this to you, but he aint ever going to marry you.

He doesnt want to marry you. :(

If he wanted to, you could go down to the registry office and do it for less than 50 quid...

You actually do get more rights by being married, if anything were to happen to him. Money isnt the only thing to think of.

motherinferior · 30/11/2011 21:35

Er...you don't have to get married, you know. Obviously, this being MN, lots of people will now pile in and tell you how very superior marriage is, and how you need its legal protection (which is possibly true if you don't earn separately, granted) and how it is a marker of commitment and suchlike....but really, you don't.

Quite a few of us have the option of getting married and just don't do it.

motherinferior · 30/11/2011 21:36

I frequently - sometimes daily - turn down Mr Inferior's proposals Grin

southeastastra · 30/11/2011 21:37

i couldn't be arsed - and quite frankly like my name

been with dp 23 years...

Original poster
Notnapping · 30/11/2011 21:39

Apart from money what are the advantages?

And yes mother inferior I know I just feel quite alone in the thinking that you don't have to be married to be a REAL couple

OP posts:
Original poster
Notnapping · 30/11/2011 21:41

Does he give you a ring each time mother inferior ? Grin

OP posts:
south345 · 30/11/2011 21:44

We've been together nearly 10 and I won't get married cos I won't pay for our families to ruin the day, I've said I'll only get married abroad on our own with the kids!

iggi999 · 30/11/2011 21:44

Most of the advantages kick in if you split up/one of you dies.
Tell him you don't want to be engaged anymore if it doesn't mean anything.
Either he'll be happy with that or he might decide to name the day.

southeastastra · 30/11/2011 21:46

the advantage to me is that i keep my name!

Original poster
Notnapping · 30/11/2011 21:46

But what are those advantages?.

And I already told him that even offered the ring back

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 30/11/2011 21:47

I've been happily unmarried for 30 odd years

Marriage is over rated

JosieRosie · 30/11/2011 21:47

'I just feel quite alone in the thinking that you don't have to be married to be a REAL couple'

I'm completely with you Notnapping so don't feel alone Smile I'm a marriage refuser too - DP and I been together 6 years, very happy thank you and not interested in marriage for many reasons

We are lucky though in that we don't have DCs and aren't planning any ever. I think it's really important OP that you have proper financial protection as you have two DCs together. Wiser MNers than me can advise you on the detals but I know you can organise it all via a solicitor. I'm sorry to say it does sound like your DP is less than keen on the idea of marriage. That doens't mean he's not committed to you and the DCs though. I suggest having a good talk about it and putting both your cards on the table.

eurochick · 30/11/2011 21:49

OP, you get legal protections such as pension and inheritance entitlements from being married. There are also advantages if you split up.

Southeastra you don't have to change your name you know - I didn't.

Original poster
Notnapping · 30/11/2011 21:54

To be honest everything is owned by me so I don't need to worry about financial protection and there's no pensions etc..
So it'd be him that loses out not me Grin

OP posts:
oreocrumbs · 30/11/2011 21:54

Your not alone, we have been engaged for ages, first the delay was that DP was still married (nothing to do with me just to make that clear - just no idea where his ex was), then his sister booked our her wedding (same place and month Hmm ), then it was money (decided to move to a bigger house etc using up savings), then DD came along. Now I'm past caring, the overwhelming desire to be his wife has gone, we are as committed as we will ever be (financially and with DD), and as an equal/sometimes main wage earner the financial benefits arn't there for me! And my surname is much better than poor DP's!! (I know I don't have to take it)

Original poster
Notnapping · 30/11/2011 21:58

So do you all get the superior married folk turning there noses up at the lack of wedding/certificate of ownership (sometimes indiscreetly)

OP posts:
JosieRosie · 30/11/2011 22:00

'Certificate of ownership' Grin comes with free collar and lead!

AKissIsNotAContract · 30/11/2011 22:02

If you own everything then it's not in your best interests to marry him anyway.

Original poster
Notnapping · 30/11/2011 22:02

And does it hurt you just a little bitvyou won't get to be bride for the day and bore everyone stupid with pics of your special day or even worse music video style films on fb

OP posts:
oreocrumbs · 30/11/2011 22:04

I don't think they turn their noses up, but they are very keen to encourage! "When are you getting round to it, oh so and so got married in timbucktoo - you should get married there". I just tell people now, I don't think we will get married, stops most people!

Original poster
Notnapping · 30/11/2011 22:05

And gold plated bowl Josie only the best Grin

And akissisnot I know but if the shoe were on the other foot and I was a man id be flames for that wouldn't I ?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 30/11/2011 22:07

You can keep your name and be married.

There was a thread about this some time ago and I was mulling it over so when I was seeing a solicitor yesterday I asked her if there was more to it than 'a piece of paper'. She was very clear that it is definitely more than a piece of paper. If you are not married and have DCs you really need to check out your 'rights'-they may not be as they seem.
I was amazed to find, when we were doing our wills, that the fact that my DH1 died means that I have his inheritance tax allowance, so between us we have 3 allowances.

oreocrumbs · 30/11/2011 22:08

And yes a little bit, am being a bridesmaid next year and although I would hate a big wedding - I am little bit glum that we won't be being celebrated! And the pittying looks from the bride are hurtfull, not because I'm not getting married, but because she is pittying me because she thinkd I'm sad about it iyswim?