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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not get married ?

48 replies

Notnapping · 30/11/2011 21:31

Like another poster tonight (who got me thinking) I've also told dp im not marrying him he first proposed wheel ds1 was born but asked me not to tell anyone till I had a ring , he gave me a ring 3 years later a few months later we booked a venue and then I found out I was pg so cancelled.

2 months later I miscarried I wanted to re arrange wedding for a few months later to give me something to focus on, he didn't want to tell anyone / do anything to arrange / save for it. Meantime his bf decides to get married in the same month wed originally booked for AND he was expecting a baby with his gf irrational as this seems to me who'd just gone through a mc I was gutted and felt like if dp cared he'd want to arrange to get married to me.

If anyone asked comments on our long engagement he always tells them well prob get married next year and tells them theyll be invited and talks about how he'd rather wait to save up for a big wedding. Yet he's not Intrested in the practicalltys of actully saving up / suggests my parents could pay.

Anyway I got pg again so now we've ben together nearly 7 years with now2 kids and no wedding he now says that he doesn't want to get married till he's 30 (4 years ) I say screw it im not Intrested anymore well just live together I'll get no monetry advantage from being married and I hate the feeling he's in charge of when/if we get married.

And it hurts me that we've been together this long with 2 kids and he doesn't seem to actully want to get married and to watch numerous couples get married after a year or so together and having the special day/ being husband and wife . I don't wear my ring cause I feel silly about wearing it yet not being properly engaged

Aibu to answer people who ask when were getting married with never?

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 30/11/2011 22:14

Notnapping: yes if a man didn't want to marry so he could keep all his assets he probably would be flamed. Your situation is different though as your DP doesn't seem to want to marry you even though he would gain more from it than you would.

AKissIsNotAContract · 30/11/2011 22:16

Sorry pressed send too soon. I was going to say at least this way you know he loves you for you and not what you have.

Original poster

Notnapping · 30/11/2011 22:28

Yes I know Oreo I'd hate a big fuss and standing in front of people but there's still a small part of me that wants to be the special person for the day in a nice dress :( also people (Inc my family) pity me cause they assume he doesn't want to marry me rather than any other reason for lack of marrige

OP posts:

iggi999 · 30/11/2011 22:41

I'm really surprised anyone still thinks changing your name is an automatic consequence of getting married.

Original poster

Notnapping · 30/11/2011 22:45

I don't personally but isn't it kind of implied you get married become mr and mrs x joined together by marriage

OP posts:

iggi999 · 30/11/2011 22:47

I'm married and I'm not a mrs nor have I a new name!

exoticfruits · 01/12/2011 09:03

It isn't implied at all-it is personal choice.

People are muddling a wedding with marriage. You can get married with the minimum of fuss, go along and pull 2 witnesses from the street.

No one needs the big do. It is the legal part that is crucial and if you have DCs and are not married you need to check it out and not assume things.

pinkdelight · 01/12/2011 09:30

Another married mum who didn't change her name here.

But I honestly don't think this is the usual not-wanting-to-be-married thread. You sound to me like you do want to be married. This fool has just let you down too many times. You'd have married him before now if he'd got his shit together. And maybe one day, if he keeps letting you down, you'll marry someone else. You can get all the 'marriage means nothing' replies you like, and if I got that vibe from you I'd say all power to you, but really, I don't get that feeling at all. It feels like if it never happened, you wouldn't feel empowered, you'd feel like you'd missed out. Am I wrong?

fedupofnamechanging · 01/12/2011 09:52

I think there's big difference between a couple both deciding that they are fully committed and don't feel the need to get married and a couple where one person does want to get married, feels it is important and the other person is reluctant.

OP, I wouldn't want to marry someone who actively didn't want to marry me. Your dp should be made aware though, that lack of commitment from him, may result in lack of commitment from you. If someone else comes along, who wants the same things in life that you want, then he runs the risk of you leaving. After all, it's not like you are married to him...

Original poster

Notnapping · 01/12/2011 09:54

The names not an issue for me really ...

And yes pink delight I guess how ever self indulgent it is I feel that if he really loved me he'd want to make it formal just like all the other couples who manage it after only being together a short time instead of always putting it as a future event and talking about this flipping fabulous wedding he's going to have to everyone yet making excuses not to plan it to me iyswim

OP posts:

Original poster

Notnapping · 01/12/2011 09:56

And the thing is if I said that karma he'd say but I do want to marry you I've bought you a ring haven't I? Funnily enough the only time he asked me to wear the ring (which I don't wear at all anymore really) is when I'm going out with freinds in the evening

OP posts:

samandi · 01/12/2011 10:04

Personally I'd give the ring back if you have little confidence of what it means to you, but that's your decision. I certainly wouldn't be wearing it when he requested it. And is 30 some kind of magical age? The whole thing sounds just bizarre.

Having said that most of my friends didn't get married until into their 30's so I wouldn't worry about age. And getting married after knowing each other only a year is daft IMO.

goingtoofast · 01/12/2011 10:05

I was with my husband for 11 years before we got married. I think he couldn't bear the thought of spending a huge amount of money on a day we wouldn't enjoy, also worried that if we eloped we would upset people. After 11 years he finally stopped caring about what other people thought and we eloped, it was the best wedding for us and it does feel really good to be married!

I have also kept my name....

fedupofnamechanging · 01/12/2011 10:09

Yes, he wants the 'advantages' of commitment, without actually making one. Did you refuse to wear the ring? I'd have told him to put up or shut up and wouldn't have worn it. It sounds like he is taking your commitment to him for granted and so feels he can be lazy about it and not make an effort with you. If you go out with friends without a ring on, he must realise that other men will assume you are single. If he doesn't like it, he knows what he can do.

Actually, my dh would never ask me to wear my wedding ring to go out with mates. I wear it anyway, but if I didn't, it wouldn't occur to him to want some sort of 'marker' to warn off other men. The idea of it makes me feel uneasy.

Scholes34 · 01/12/2011 10:09

Is the issue of "marriage" clouding the issue here? Do you really want to be with this chap? Is being married more important than being with him? Would you prefer to be married to someone else instead? Not judging, just trying to see what the priorities are.

If marriage is important to you, can you not be pro-active and organise something small and romantic? It doesn't have to be a big wedding, and it would be a shame if the idea of spending lots of money on a big occasion is the main reason for stopping him doing something he would readily do. Again, what are the priorities here.

Original poster

Notnapping · 01/12/2011 10:41

No I think the 30 thing is just a retaliation to me saying I don't want to get married I,e : well I don't want to get married till I'm 30 anyway

And scholes no it's not the big money that's stopping him in reality, it's more I think he wouldn't consider anything but a big wedding as a barrier to getting married, and he wants a bigger and better wedding than anybody else.

Yes I do want to be with him and really I should just get over it I suppose. I do get fed with him eg, I do everything in the house, garden etc... Sort out all paperwork , all Childcare but that's life I suppose.... Nothings perfect

OP posts:

pinkdelight · 01/12/2011 10:45

No, nothing's perfect. But that doesn't sound like a great set-up when you've got your whole life ahead of you. Can't you knock things into shape a bit before dealing with the marriage issue? Sounds like he's getting a pretty cushy deal. Can see why he doesn't feel the need to change a thing.

fedupofnamechanging · 01/12/2011 10:52

So what exactly are you getting from this relationship? He doesn't want to marry you, despite asking you and having 2 children with you and he's lazy.

Original poster

Notnapping · 01/12/2011 11:00

Another human to talk to i guess I don't really have any family and my friends have dwindled to nothing since I had kids :(

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 01/12/2011 11:05

Lovey, these are not reasons to tie yourself to him for the rest of your life. I honestly think that you should not focus on the getting married and start thinking how to improve your life and general levels of happiness. You might find that marriage becomes less important to you, if you improve the other things in your life which aren't quite right. Sorry, I know all this sounds flippant and I really do know that it is much easier said than done.

for you

pinkdelight · 01/12/2011 11:06

Heart goes out to you. Seems to be one of those situations where fixating on the marriage issue is a symptom rather than the real problem. And as you can't change him, the only thing you can do to turn this around is to commit to yourself. I know how hard it is with kids, but you're still so young, you've got to make some time for yourself and make yourself happier, reconnect with friends or find new human beings to talk to, get yourself more confident without the need for that ring on your finger and then you might get the balls to make him pull his weight more. Or he might start to fear you'll leave him and do it anyway. Or, if he's a decent bloke deep down, he might just start to respect you more, realise what a catch he's got, and marry you... But it doesn't sound like there's much impetus to do anything at the moment, till you take action.

lottiegb · 01/12/2011 12:09

Practically, if assets are yours he's the one potentially losing out. If you're both earning, you might both want to consider life insurance, with DCs in mind. Also wills, as otherwise you will not inherit from each other (what would happen if you died - would you want him to stay and look after DCs in your home? You'd probably need to say so).

The bigger issue is surely commitment. Is he commited to you or not? His ideas about weddings sound very shallow, what does he think about the lifetime commitment aspect? A male friend once made the point that, in his view, women who live with BFs / DPs quickly start to think and behave as if they are married, whereas men think 'wahey, I have all the advantages of marriage but none of the disadvantages i.e. obligation, commitment, stigma and hassle when I change my mind and go off with someone else.' In fact he thought such men were generally biding their time, as men usually know when they've met 'the one' and, according to his pro-marriage view, quickly marry them to show they mean it and to prevent them from getting away.

He is married, I am not but I am confident that DP is not biding his time and is fully committed to me, just neither of us is fussed about being married. If one of us really was, I expect we'd do it.

GnomeDePlume · 01/12/2011 12:19

Notnapping

TBH, get him to a solicitor, tie up all the legal loose ends then start planning a new patio!

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