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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get annoyed by being told how I feel?

41 replies

SkinnyMuffin · 22/11/2011 21:57

It happens to be my MIL who does this to me, which is relevant because I find it hard to respond as I would if it were anyone else. Some examples:

Oh, back from your holiday, I bet you're gutted aren't you?

It's Sunday night, you must be dreading work tomorrow?

Your baby's crying, I bet you hate that sound don't you?

Not long now until the wedding, you must be so stressed!

etc etc etc etc etc etc etc

She is generally a lovely person, but she does have this annoying tendency to prattle and put words in my mouth. With anyone else I might give a sarcastic retort to shut them up but I don't want to say anything that might damage family relations, we have to see them all the time.

I would like to hear any ideas on handling this as I have another 30ish years of this to look forward to

OP posts:

BroomForMyChin · 22/11/2011 21:58

I don't think it's really a situation that needs 'handling', it's just how some people talk.

Kayano · 22/11/2011 21:58

I think I do that to people.

(I bet you hate that)

sorry - strange night

Original poster

SkinnyMuffin · 22/11/2011 22:01

Broom I'm worried I might snap though! It really gets on my wick!! I could pour myself a big I guess. Or be a grown up about it and just ignore . You're right though, I know she's not the only one who does it...

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Rhinestone · 22/11/2011 22:02

My mother does this. It's called 'projecting' - your MIL would feel X in those situations so she's checking that you do too. I just say, "No, I'm not stressed / worried / lonely / whatever emotion you think I am this week".

Kayano · 22/11/2011 22:03

But then she would say 'oh another drink op? I bet that helps you wind down '

PlumpDogPillionaire · 22/11/2011 22:03

It sounds as if she's genuinely interested in you and is trying to be empathetic.
Maybe she's not 'telling' you, but asking, except for that she isn't inflecting her 'statements' as if they're questions, IYSWIM. (You know, like Australian soap actors? And young people?) And for her lack of twee '?' at the end of each sentence you should be grateful. (You see, I will tell you how you should feel...)

Perhaps listen carefully to her and reply earnestly and literally to her every statement:
e.g. 'Not gutted exactly... No... (pensive chin stroke)... more, er, mildly discombobulated.'
Maybe then she'll get bored and change the subject.

Original poster

SkinnyMuffin · 22/11/2011 22:10

Yes Plump I think she is just genuinely interested, she is a nice person but aarghh!!! It bugs me.

Rhinestone that is so interesting! That is it exactly. She has suffered from depression in the past and she's always putting these anxious/ sad emotions on to me, I don't like it, it makes me defensive somehow.

She has never once said 'oh I bet your delighted' for example. It's always negative stuff.

Kayano shame on you!!! :o And yes, if I had a drink that is just what she'd say. And if you try and diet, all you ever hear is ' I bet you'd love some cream on that wouldn't you?'

Help!!!!

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purplepidjin · 22/11/2011 22:10

Sounds like she's trying to empathise with you and be caring and friendly

MenopausalHaze · 22/11/2011 22:12

You sound a bit strung out OP - it really won't do you any good at all to get all aggravated at the way other people choose to use the language! It's just her way of talking. Learn to let it go over you - I'm sure you'll feel a whole lot better if you do!

Original poster

SkinnyMuffin · 22/11/2011 22:13

Oh pidj she is, I feel so bad! But she misses the mark every single time and I just never know how to respond without looking arsey :(

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Rhinestone · 22/11/2011 22:15

But it's not caring and friendly - it's a form of control. She wants to make sure you feel how she would feel in the same situation in order to validate her own feelings.

Plus if you confide in her that yes, you are gutted / upset / stressed etc, she then gets to be the one who is your confidante, thus giving her even more control. It's very insidious.

purplepidjin · 22/11/2011 22:18

Sounds more like she's projecting her own insecurities on your interpretation, Rhinestone.

And I didn't say she was succeeding in being caring and friendly

Original poster

SkinnyMuffin · 22/11/2011 22:20

Rhinestone you are spot on I think. She feeds off people confiding in her. Unfortunately she can't help herself when it comes to gossip so I have learnt over the years to try and close down these conversations quickly otherwise you get Great Aunt Mabel asking how you're doing after the miscarriage in the middle of a family birthday party

She gets very upset if you get dh to ask her to keep anything to herself...

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Rhinestone · 22/11/2011 22:20

I'm sorry but your first sentence doesn't make sense to me.

Rhinestone · 22/11/2011 22:26

Skinny - if it wasn't for the fact that my brother isn't married, I'd think you were talking about my mother. People confiding in her is like a drug and then she's an asset holder of gossip that she can use to show other people what a wonderful person she is because other people have told her the following deep secrets.

But of course she doesn't KEEP the secrets - if she KEPT the secrets then no-one wold know that she knows them and that all these people have confided in her.

It's actually quite serious as I know she knows something that she has absolutely no right to know, that she should NEVER have been told (person who told her should be sacked) and she had no right to tell me as I know the party involved.

and X-post - "I'm sorry but your first sentence doesn't make sense to me." was to purplepidjin

PlumpDogPillionaire · 22/11/2011 22:34

Just change the subject ASAP, Skinny. (Easier said than done, I know.)
FWIW, I think it's quite a skill to be able to 'manage' conversations in this way. Can't do it myself, but I know people who can (sure you do too...). They're never (quite) rude, but really good at brushing off subjects they don't want to talk about really quickly. Actually, I think the secret is to have a few 'stock topics' up your sleeve, or a quick, pre-prepped shtick on what you know you'll get asked about, then just go on really quickly to neutral ground current affairs or something. So never rude, never asking too much about them apart from open ended questions which they can run with or drop and also setting your own boundaries very clearly.
Probably a huge effort to learn - I'm kind of working on it, because I reckon this is a real skill with family.

wicketkeeper · 22/11/2011 22:39

My mother does this - but she'll tell me how I'm feeling without even explaining why. I'll ring her and she'll say 'I bet you're tired' or 'Try not to worry too much' or whatever - and I genuinely don't know why I should be tired or worried or whatever. So I say something like 'Why on earth should I be tired/worried/whatever' and it'll be quite convoluted - something like well, you came off holiday yesterday so you must have had a lot of washing to do so you must be tired. The trouble is, I avoid telling her about the things that really do make me tired/worried/whatever, because if she thinks doing a couple of loads of washing in an automatic is going to tire me out, she'd never cope with half of what I actually do!!!

Ooo, never realised how much this annoyed me until I read your post OP! I'm sure she's just trying to empathise, but it's just irritating.

Original poster

SkinnyMuffin · 22/11/2011 22:45

I'm so glad I'm not alone!

It's the themes of stress and sorrow that I really struggle with. She can't help but tell you who has pnd, who has mc, who is headed for divorce and so on. And you just know you aren't excluded from it either. Oh dear. If it were balanced by good news it wouldn't be so bad, but it rarely is.

Plump I think you give good advice, I have started pre-planning some diversionary topics recently.

It's a shame though, as I say, she's nice, she loves ds and we see them at least twice a week. But I just dislike being alone with her now, because I feel so awkward, but if I say what I'm really feeling then I fear she will be badly upset.

I know it isn't the worst problem in the world but it's very draining...

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Original poster

SkinnyMuffin · 22/11/2011 22:47

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 22/11/2011 22:50

My Mum was the total opposite.

She did that Irish thing of asking you a question and answering it herself

"You want a cup of tea, you do?"

"You'll be up early in the morning, you will?"

"You're staying for dinner, you are?"

It just made me laugh though

Familydilemma · 22/11/2011 22:52

I hated that when we were having fertility treatment and one friend would say "that must be so hard". Trivial on the surface, but I was presenting a "we can handle this" image to the world and her persistence with her "yes, but it must be..." really didn't help. I do find it slipping out sometimes, although "how are you?" or "how do you feel about that?" is much more open and doesn't assume you know how someone feels when you haven't been or aren't in that situation. In fairness, it was a lovely friend and her motivation was to empathise. Like most people who do it I guess?

Rhinestone · 22/11/2011 22:59

Never been clutched to someone's bosom before! and

It IS draining and you are completely normal to think that. And yes, she IS telling everyone else your secrets too. And stress and sorrow are way more fun for someone like her. Remember, misery loves company. I recommend this website, even though she's your MIL. Read about 'narcissistic supply'. That's what she's doing.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Original poster

SkinnyMuffin · 22/11/2011 23:01

Yes, I think it's totally unintentional, although the frequency of it shows a staggering lack of self awareness on her part, it could be argued. It isn't hard to ask an open-ended question is it??

Worra if it was my mum I would laugh but its my MIL.

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Original poster

SkinnyMuffin · 22/11/2011 23:17

Thanks for the link! Can't believe my little niggle has a whole website! I feel nicely vindicated in my annoyance now :)

I think it's just snowballed as things do in families, a small issue grows to be the elephant in the room over a few years.

I am still adjusting to being a close member of what is, essentially, someone else's family. As I said, if it were my mum, I could tell her to get to fuck say what I'm thinking but somehow you just cant be so curt with the inlaws can you?

I know her daughter struggles with her complete lack of discretion, I have no idea if she gets words put in her mouth as well though, but I would imagine she does. In fact, it was the highly personal things she told me about SIL that first alerted me to the fact that she just might be doing the same to me. I should e-mail Rhinestone's link to SIL...

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HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 23/11/2011 07:08

My mum does this. Only it's not you must be...

It is you are

Example - I was cooking dinner for them when they came to visit. Just busy pottering in the kitchen, getting stuff ready. Mum comes in.

mum You're getting really stressed.

me eh? no, I'm fine.

She just decides how I'm feeling based on how she would feel. And she HATES cooking and entertaining. Therefore I was stressed.

from many years of experience, I can tell you that the best thing to do is to laugh and say "god no, what makes you think that? I am "

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