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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get annoyed by being told how I feel?

41 replies

SkinnyMuffin · 22/11/2011 21:57

It happens to be my MIL who does this to me, which is relevant because I find it hard to respond as I would if it were anyone else. Some examples:

Oh, back from your holiday, I bet you're gutted aren't you?

It's Sunday night, you must be dreading work tomorrow?

Your baby's crying, I bet you hate that sound don't you?

Not long now until the wedding, you must be so stressed!

etc etc etc etc etc etc etc

She is generally a lovely person, but she does have this annoying tendency to prattle and put words in my mouth. With anyone else I might give a sarcastic retort to shut them up but I don't want to say anything that might damage family relations, we have to see them all the time.

I would like to hear any ideas on handling this as I have another 30ish years of this to look forward to

OP posts:

lambethlil · 23/11/2011 07:37

Its strange how this type of probing goes with total indiscretion.

So 'You must be dreading Christmas'

'skinny muffin was saying how she's really dreading christmas'

I think they know that they shouldn't talk too much about themselves, but their brains empathy can't quite stretch to a genuine open question or listening.

lambethlil · 23/11/2011 07:39

Sorry-

So 'You must be dreading Christmas'
turns into
'skinny muffin was saying how she's really dreading christmas'

Original poster

SkinnyMuffin · 23/11/2011 07:49

Yes! Precisely. It is a killer combination. Since I don't want to look like a stroppy cow by contradicting her all the time, instead I end up being portrayed to the rest of the family and anyone else who'll listen as the most maudlin soul to ever walk the Earth.

I don't like being fake, Hecate, it puts me on edge, but I can't see another way tbh as even if I did try and tackle it I doubt she'd be able to stop if she tried, it's too ingrained in her. Thank you for the advice!

OP posts:

pigletmania · 23/11/2011 08:02

Remember you might be a MIL one day! A lot of people do that, she is not actually telling you how you should feel, but trying to empathise with you.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 23/11/2011 08:04

Oh no, it probably won't change her, but if she's anything like my mum, it'll drive her nuts

You can't always change people - I wish that you could! all you can do is find a way to not let them control you or get to you.

This message was brought to you by Things That Are Bloody Easy To Say And Damned Hard To Do Incorporated.

lambethlil · 23/11/2011 08:10

The flip side of recognising it is that I now disregard 90% of what she tells me other people are saying. 'X was saying she won't breast feed for as long as you did' would not have been volunteered but a non committal response to 'are you going to be like Lambeth and feed for ever?'

I do sometimes say, 'why are you telling me this?'

Doesn't go down well!

lambethlil · 23/11/2011 08:12

piglet I think you're right about the trying to empathise bit, but its not very effective if it gets the OP's back up and combined with indiscretion!

valiumredhead · 23/11/2011 08:17

Isn't she just making polite conversation?

post · 23/11/2011 08:33

Well, although you're hearing it as being told how you feel, at least some of the time she's actually explicitly saying 'I bet you feel....' and even when she isn't, eg 'you must feel...' it's still her opinion. She's telling you how she feels, disguised as an assumption about how you feel, IYSWIM.
How about deciding to always hear it as that, and if you respond, do it with, 'really, why do you think that?'
I don't mean in a passive aggressive, angry way, but actually with love and curiosity. If she's assuming that everyone would feel that way in that situation, because she would, it might be really amazing for her to hear that not everyone would, that you can not be gutted about coming back from hols, that you don't dread work, feel stressed etc. It might even help her to see another way of responding to stuff in her own life.
And for you, it makes a really clear line, that what she's sharing/ talking about are her own feelings, which isn't something that you need to feel defensive about or annoyed about?

Original poster

SkinnyMuffin · 23/11/2011 08:35

As I've said Valium, she is nice, I like her. She is always polite. I'm sure she would be mortified if she knew how annoying this habit it, but she's blissfully unaware and I'm happy for her to stay that way.

I'm looking for a way to handle it because the family is important to me and I don't want to ruffle feathers.

You could say I'm being over-sensitive (it has been known) but I would tend to agree more with the explanation that she is projecting her own negative feelings onto me, is a terrible gossip and a more than a bit tactless.

Bless her :)

OP posts:

Original poster

SkinnyMuffin · 23/11/2011 08:36

Hecate :o

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 23/11/2011 08:57

Oh, back from your holiday, I bet you're gutted aren't you? - Well, we had a great time but it's always nice to be home

It's Sunday night, you must be dreading work tomorrow? -I'm lucky to have a job/Oh it's not so bad/yeah,I hate Mondays

Your baby's crying, I bet you hate that sound don't you? - rotten isn't it?

Not long now until the wedding, you must be so stressed - *We've done everything now/Yes, very stressed/You know what it's like, always something to be done etc etc

Keep throwing it back to her in a chatty, non confrontational way but it does just seem like it's the way she communicates so I think you'll probably just have to laugh it off and accept the fact you are being WAY too over sensitive

valiumredhead · 23/11/2011 08:58

Oh ffs - my bold didn't work!

Original poster

SkinnyMuffin · 23/11/2011 09:09

Thanks Valium :) All good ideas for possible responses.

I AM over- sensitive . Particularly in this instance though because they are so involved in our lives, I see her all the time and so I'm suffering from over-exposure...

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 23/11/2011 09:14

Think you need to find a way of shrugging it off and developing a bit of a thicker skin. Smile and nod, smile and nod

Familydilemma · 23/11/2011 11:06

I also have an indiscreet mother. I had the lightbulb moment about it a couple of years ago-if I knew that about someone else then what did other people know about me. I tell her nothing now. My dad would like me to have a normal mother daughter relationship with her. Unfortunately, whatever that means, it involves being able to trust her with confidential information and not have it come back to you via her friend. Sad, because she has had huge mh issues and great tragedy in her life which has messed her up. I can just about forgive her and understand, but normality and trust are not an option.

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