to present you with the "Daily Mail Dictionary"?

[Portofino]

My there are some corkers in here

Qué

Where'd you hide it Porto?

Duh!

i like that a lot!

Cunnilingus: 1, Fiction invented by communists. Sounds unhygenic, if you ask me. 2, New Irish Budget Airline. Fare to Isle of Lesbos £20. See also Deviant.

i posted this last week but no-one laughed

If you enjoyed that (as I did) you might also enjoy:

uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Daily_Mail

"Jones, Liz: Bridget Jones with money and less men. Not at all inane or irritating she is actually a eloquent defender of women's liberation. She owns a 42-acre estate in the country, drives a BMW, and yet can't get laid. She bemoans her single status every week, all while letting the reader know how rich and "upper-clerse" she is. Liz Jones' singledom is suspected to be due to the fact she has a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. She is considered a bitch." Quite a kind description I thought

Although I notice they have missed off "worryingly thin" ... used to describe anyone who is not "showing off their curves"... not to be confused with "piling on the pounds"..

All the above are usually attributed to the same celebrity within the space of a month, and then they will blame any other media for encouraging eating disorders in young women!

Wot, no 'bikini body'?! Also 'pins', synonym for legs never seen anywhere other than the DM.

tooearlymustdache- I have posted a link to that about six times over the past two years and nobody EVER laughs.

It's hilarious.

i bloody love it tethers

it's not our fault all other MNers don't have a sense of humour they don't laugh at the same things

Is 'burgeoning bump' included? The ultimate description for any pregnant sleb "Beyonce takes her burgeoning bump to Spar" etc.

dont forget the

"impossibly short skirt"

"impossibly long legs"

and

"impossibly high heels"

I love that link though... and the obsession with Suri Cruise verges on stalking... I am sure not even the american media spend their days obsessing over whether the child has shoes on, or is being carried or not...

This has made my evening by the way, thank you OP.

Currently snorting at 'impossibly'.

Not that I ever read the DM, obviously.

I happily admit to reading the DM. It doesnt mean I agree with everything they report. But the readers comments always make me laugh.

Reading it online is far better than reading it in print. If I catch sight of the headlines when someone else is reading it, I have to log on to the site to see what the comments are.

Ex-pat: A fine upstanding citizen who lives in a Brits-only ghetto, drinks in the Red Lion pub, reads British newspapers, won't eat "that foreign muck" and shouts in English as there's no need to learn the local language. Can often be found on websites bemoaning immigrants' failure to integrate into British society without a hint of irony or self-awareness.

I have met a few of these!

I always think the photographers are on a bet too.

You can guarantee if there is a kid that has been kept away from school due to a dodgy haircut, the photographer will be setting up the photo..

"yup, just roll yer shirt up a bit more mate, lets get that tattoo"..

"head to the left love, we need that nose stud to show"

"if you could just move a little bit we can make sure the plasma is in the background"

And the witless buggers dont even realise they are being set up for a fall